Pressure on the very elderly to move house

Some very good posts here. We are 75 and have lived in this house for over 40 years, brought up our children and been very happy. Neither of us want to move - I have health problems but DH is fit as a fiddle and does most things, though we have a cleaner who washes and irons too. I'm scared of moving - DH is a hoarder and the loft and cellar are full. I've told our sons to get someone to clear it all out when we've gone. We also have a gardener and good r/ships with the sons and dils and enchanted with our grandchildren, but the very last thing is to ask grown children to help. One is in another country and 2 around 100 miles away. As far as home help is concerned, there is a problem because social services have had their budgets slashed by the tory party, along with all other public services, which means they can only afford to "buy" care from the private agencies, as they have to keep within budgets. It's not their fault, nor the agencies fault, nor social services fault, but the tory government cutting budgets and pursuing their agenda of privatisation is at fault.

My neighbour who lived opposite us for many years (she was a lot older than us) and she often came over for a cup of tea as she was very lonely. She had a son and daughter who visited but she missed her husband who died quite suddenly. Her son and daughter thought the house was far too big for her (it was a very big Victorian house) and they bought her a small modern house about a mile away. I used to see her standing outside her old house, walk up the road and return to stare at her house, sometimes she walked up the garden path. I use to bring her in for a chat and tea and many tears. She hated the little house and was so unhappy. The people in the house had noticed her standing outside andher house, so I explained to them and they were very understanding. My old neighbour died 2 years after the move.

When we were newly wed we looked at a furnished flat which had several high-backed chairs ranged around the sitting room. We escaped as soon as we could, looked at each other and said 'that looks like an old people's home'
The thought still fills me with horror but I suppose if I there is no alternative one day, then I must, rather than struggling and living in a house we can't cope with surrounded by a garden full of weeds because we can't find a gardener.

I was trying to say don't assume that when things start to wobble, a couple of phone calls will result in lovely care staff turning up. Anyhow, I am repeating myself. It has been a very hard lesson to learn.

*professionally

oldbatty
Yes indeed, I see both sides. Plan B, just in case though not for me.
I let my family home and the income more than covers the rental on my privately rented much smaller home about 35 miles away.
When I was looking for a property to rent, I found one, made an appointment to view. No photos because it had only recently been vacated and was being professiinally cleaned. Ticked a lot of boxes, garden, gas hob, dining room, parking blah blah.
I was shocked to be shown a retirement appt with high backed chairs in the communal sitting room, communal laundry facilities, electric heaters on the walls, red-triangle pull cords in bathroom and hand aids at side of the toilet.
The place, although well kept, smelled of older people. Most of the ladies sitting around were (or looked) in their 70s/80s. I was 62. The agent hadn't said anything about it being for over 55s.
No, as long as I can draw breath I'll live independently and leave the family home to the AC, equally.
To me, going into assisted/sheltered-living spaces, means the end is in sight, not something I want to think about however, I would say that it's a shortsighted view that not many would agree with.

" the best inheritance you can leave your children is not to be a burden to them ".
This is the most sensible and selfless advice that can ever be given and because of my own home circumstances I sincerely hope that I can avoid such a situation . My move and being happy where I am must have lifted a weight off my D that she can continue her life and work in the knowledge that I won't be her responsibility 24/7. I'm fortunate in that I'm still independent though have a pendant should it be necessary.
I wouldn't dream of being a nuisance to the family.

Like Kupari45, this year DH & I have moved to a smaller, easier, dwelling, with excellent facilities for the "elderly" should we need them. (Both in our 60s & we realised that we needed to make the move while we were young enough to do it!) We love our new life and the sense of freedom we have now. I agree with Alvin Hall (American finance expert) who says that: "the best inheritance you can leave your children, is not to be a burden to them."

Violette - so am I -let me know if you find one!

I am 79 and fit still live in the family home, which is up for sale. I am hoping to get a Shared Ownership Bungalow. You have to have a firm sale of your house though. I have missed two. Another one is coming up soon and the daughter of the owner is willing to hang on, as long as she can, so I have a chance.

They need to build more of these types of homes, but they do not make it easy, as you have to have the purchase price upfront.

The whole point Gabriella is that when the situation worsens, there are very few options available. Perhaps it would be sensible to plan ahead.

My late father sold the family home when my mother died and moved into a specialist rented retirement flat ..he loved it ...company if he wanted, someone on call for any emergency, repairs, etc etc. He was lonely in the old house. Me, I can't wait to buy a retirement flat (but given the prices and the charges may well decide to rent ...if I live for another ten years the rent would amount to a lot less than the purchase price, taking into account the leasehold and management charges !) but it would be for comfort..no garden, no maintenance, company if I want and my own front door if I don't ........looking for an affordable one !

I agree with every word you wrote in the OP Witzend
Leave well alone until absolutely necessary.

ps so I can understand the stories that others have written about elderly parents reluctant to move.

Looking back, the most difficult part was the paperwork.
Everything has to be closed in the place you're leaving - bank accounts, insurances, utility contracts, council taxes etc. Then new ones set up in the new place. As well as the legalities of selling and buying houses. I was the one who did all that.
Only last month we had a council tax bill from France, in euros, and our french bank account is closed. That took some sorting out.
It would be nearly the same for moves within the UK, and needs an active brain to cope.

My in-laws are 89 and 88. Fil was in hospital for over a month earlier in the year. Mil made everything about herself including a visit from the first response team and a day in A&E. There was nothing wrong with her, nursing staff were very off with my husband who was sent for. She kept saying she couldn’t cope with anything , this is because her husband waits on her hand and foot. She asked for the car keys to be removed from the house so that he couldn’t drive anymore and asked for my husband and his two brothers to organise more practical and personal care for them. My husband, with his brothers backing started the process which took many hours with various agencies. As soon as her husband came out of hospital he said none of this was going to happen, he wasn’t having people coming into his home getting them up and so on. He also demanded the car keys back, his sons have tried to persuade him not to drive as he has had more than one scare.
Even though they have a cleaner, gardener, laundry done for them and shop online, they are constantly complaining that they can’t cope .......but refuse all mention of more help. Everyone has now backed away and realised that there’s little we can do. They have a large two/ three bedroom bungalow, a big garden. What will happen next is now left up to them but is a worry. The latest thing is that we are looking to move back to the south of England, mother in law has told us we can’t go until after they have both died but that is just us, the other brothers can live where they like!! I’m told by her that I have to “grin and bear it”.......

We moved from Large Detached House to a small bungalow in February this year. Very happy to be here!
It took almost a year to dispose of furniture, books, and various belongings which we never used!- plus dealing with all the various legal stuff/paperwork.
We are both 74 and still reasonably healthy, however we were exhausted when we finally moved into our new home. I'm so relieved we had the sense to downsize while we were still capable.
Our daughter who is our only relative would have struggled to pack up the house when we both died as she lives on her own. So I suppose you could say it would have been selfish of us to have stayed put in our old home. As it is we moved from North Yorkshire to a coastal village on the North East Coast. W are very happy here and have made lots of friends in the eight months we have been here.
So I am definitely in favour of downsizing while your both mentally and physically able.

I'm 73 almost now and my son and daughter in law have suggested that I sell my house and have a Granny annex built in their garden. I am recovering from a stroke and have other ailments too and already feel that I couldn't make the move, have the unit built and get my house sold. The thought of it, makes me feel quite ill. What do others think about such a decision?

My parents moved in their late 80's to a bungalow on a warden controlled site at the end of our road. They said it was the best move they had made. It meant that if there was an issue I could walk up there rather than driving 200 miles up the motorway. They were there 10 years before they went into a care home. If they had stayed where they were they would have been in care a lot sooner. I think the daughter is right and they are lucky she is prepared to look after them as they fall more often, frequently in the middle of the night etc.
I helped with the sorting out of stuff at their end when they moved.
Of course if they really don't want to move that is another issue but I think they should look at the advantages on both sides.

As the daughter of a mother who is not coping in her huge fading mausoleum, I can tell you that this is a major concern. My mother is in complete denial about her ability to cope and it is usually me who has to pick up the pieces. Her aging partner is also struggling and desperate to move. I have tried to encourage my Mum to move before she needs to so she has the capacity to make her own decisions and get used to it. As it is, I see her waiting until she has a major catastrophe and then becoming a burden on the NHS until they can find her a suitable home to go to which she would hate.
If her children live quite a way away, I thoroughly sympathise with them.

I don't think it's always helpful to talk of this change using such emotive language.

Nobody wants to uproot people, make them unhappy or precipitate an early death.

Along with " your're not putting me in a home",its not useful.

We moved back to the UK from France in Feb. We both knew we would have to for various reasons. I was 81 at the time, my husband a fairly fit 75.
Prior to the move we had nearly a year of clearing out, selling stuff, dealing with utilities about ending contracts , making decisions about the dog cat and chickens etc.
If DH hadn't been younger than me I couldn't have done it all myself. Even so in the end he had big problems with his dodgy knee.
As (I think) Grandma Moira said on page 1, you need a younger person to do all the work.
Having said all that, we're very glad to be back home, in spite of all the govt. problems. And grateful for our retirement years in lovely french countryside.

They want to stay in their own home but also their children are concerned about tgem especially if there have been falls.
One of those emergency call things that hang around their neck or wrist might help. It acts like a 2 way calling system so when pressed the operator can talk to them to see what's happened & call emergency services if needed. Also a lock box on the house would allow entry if needed.
As things progress shopping & cleaning etc can be sorted.
You may be one of the emergency contacts and have the code to the lock box as would the emergency call company but the first contact would be their daughter.
Age UK is a good source of advice too

I can understand the daughter's worry if she lives far away and her parents have had falls and stays in hospital. Very difficult. Ultimately no one can make them move but I think moving might be most sensible option.

MOnica You are so right. Ten years ago my friend insisted on uprooting her elderly mother from a town she had lived in for nigh on fifty years where all
amenities were on her doorstep and she had many friends, to a rented bungalow near daughter in a Cornish fishing village. Needless to say mother after two years had enough of what she called 'institution life' made her own arrangements and with the help of her old friends she went back to her old town .

Please don't pressure them to move as moving very late in life often causes people to die within a few months. Think it may be stress related or triggered. Leave them where they are if they are happy.