When we get mad at our OH

Sorry Shesanana

I was amused by the parking comments. My DH to a ‘T’. He will drive around the car park, often twice, then choose an awkward space that he parks in quite badly. To be honest it is usually I who drive now but he still insists on telling me where to park. Of course, on principle, I don’t.

grannyactivist, it was the same in our house when I was young and nobody was really given a voice. When arguments were finished, nobody spoke of it again until the next argument so nothing ever really got resolved. My DH is from the same background as your DH so he was quite astonished at the way our family handled things. However, it didn't take me long to realise that his family had proper relationships rather than battlegrounds so I started to take the same approach as him. We rarely fall out but when we do, we try to remember we are a team, not a tug of war.

Sending hugs Shesananna

paddyann I could almost have written your response! Throughout our 40 years of marriage we have very rarely argued and have a very happy and harmonious relationship. That is not to say that we always agree, but we listen to each other and either reach an agreement or agree to differ. Yes, DH has habits that irritate me eg. not unbuttoning his shirts when he takes them off so that I have to do it before they get washed. But I'm sure I do things to irritate him too but he never complains.

Everyone's remarks re driving amused me. DH was a driving instructor for over 30 years (he taught me to drive) and his driving is still smooth, considerate and safe. But the one thing that bugs me is when someone cuts him up and he just reacts appropriately, calmly and quietly. - no abuse, swearing or hand signals. Whereas I am seathing! I'm far more likely to curse, yell at the driver, use the horn and hand signals! I know it doesn't change anything but it makes me feel better. How can he be so calm about it!!

I think the reason we get on so well is humour. We laugh a lot together and at each other, and if ever I get cross about something DH only has to make me laugh and the mood is broken, normal service resumed. It's worked for us for forty years and I hope it always will. I have had several friends who have had tempestuous marriages, frequently arguing and fighting and I know I could not bear to live like that.

Arguments on a regular basis and DH is a sulker, lasts for days and then he apologises and thinks I should be OK and forget about it all - I try for a quiet life but find it difficult not to build up resentments. 47 yrs and still together, not always sure why. It's a case of when it's good ...

DanniRae
.........when people say that they never row it is because one person is calling all the shots and the other is saying "Yes dear, No dear!"
............it is impossible to be in perfect harmony 24 hours a day.........7 days a week. (A bit boring too I think hmm)

No, that is definitely not the case in our house, and no we are not boring (or bored) either. Our life together has always been full of fun, surprises, warmth, love, and respect and consideration for each other. Isn't that what marriage is all about?

Thank you so much for your kind words and good wishes DanniRae, Cherrytree59 and 123kitty. It's much appreciated.

I don't think there is anybody who never has a difference of opinion and doen't get even a tincey wincey bit miffed, argues, stands up for themselves or conversely is totally submissive.
MIL used to irritate the heck out of us hoth with her saying "birds in their nest agree - if they don't want to fall out". That made everything worse unless we then caught the other's eye when we ended up laughing. We often got very cross with the other and then it would degenerate into a pillow fight and the almost inevitable making up! It used to happen so suspiciously frequently that I wondered if it was deliberate provocation!
We now argue about very different things. Today we have had a trailer load of wood delivered and he has been moving it in several steps, blocking pathways with heaps of logs and has consequently made it very difficult to help him. I am worried because his leg is not yet completely recovered enough to be doing such things. The gardener has said he would come and move it into the woodshed but himself wants to do it which part of me does underdstand but you really do have to apply commonsense. I have considered threatening him with a serious head injury but it was the only bit of him not damaged in the crash last year so perhaps not - although it would be done most lovingly you understand! Grr! Aaargh! He is now in for a cup of tea and singing "you are my hearts delight" so that isn't bad for over 50 years! Ain't love grand!?

Another side of the coin re arguments - DH was always fairly laid back, and never sulked. I actually wondered on occasion how he could be so thick skinned, not to react. However, this began to change about four years ago, six years after a Parkinson's diagnosis. On a couple of occasions, he fell out with fellow bowlers, behaving in a very petty way, which was so unlike him. Episodes of him being more 'sensitive' than before became more frequent. Now, having been diagnosed with Parkinson's disease dementia, his personality is very different. He has lost his sense of humour, and bears grudges - unheard of before. He is also spiteful and verbally aggressive (and physically sometimes). He doesn't see that this is unacceptable. The reason that I have posted this is to encourage people to be aware of changes in partners' reactions to situations that previously wouldn't have caused friction. There might be a medical reason.

We have a fair few disagreements but many more laughs - in nearly 30 years we have rarely argued and would always apologise and move on shortly afterwards. Luckily we have a similar sense of humour and something will make us laugh together, and neither of us like hanging on to grudges - life's too short and all that.

I remember my grandfather telling us never to let the sun go down on an argument. It's worked so far, even though there have been some very hard times. I guess we've been together so long now that we simply accommodate each other. If either of us is really mad we just walk away for a time. Doesn't take long to realise it's all pretty inconsequential and we're laughing again.

Shesanana I well remember crying in the doctor's surgery, more than once. Whatever it is you are facing the first step is the hardest. For me, I am now in a very good place but it wasn't always so. My life was very dark for quite some time but I pulled through. I really hope things improve for you in whatever way you want them to.

DH very argumentative. Me very placid but I'm getting better at hiding my own I'm a row as I get older!
We have a shouting match then go off & calm down& get on with life. He rarely apologises but is getting better at it.
It's just life isn't it. I had a very argumentative mother so it doesn't faze me.

Synonymous
You sound a delightful couple. May you hear many more renditions of 'You are my heart's delight' in the years to come.

I'm with DanniRae !I can't believe that you can be together with never a disagreement.
Our life together has also been full of fun, surprises, warmth, love, respect and consideration for each other. But we are not clones! We differ over many things, which reflect our personalities and varied life experiences.Our solution is not allowing those differences to fester but agree to disagree, until he sees sense and agrees with me

.grannybuy living with all those personality changes must be very hard to bear. I think I’d cope with physical changes better than personality changes. How do you cope (You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to) it just seems very cruel if you lived and loved a man for most of your adult life and then had to witness and bear the brunt of loosing the very core of the man you love.

We squabble?

Oh, thank you Gabriella and my favourite flowers too!

If we start to argue I always say 'I really can't be bothered to argue with you'. (Which I know annoys him :D ) and then refuse to answer him until he changes the subject!

Hi Shesanana, as others have said on here, the first step is the hardest, and you have taken your courage in both hands. I've had to do the same in the past, sometimes it can be quite a small thing that finally pushes you to act, and my heart goes out to you. You are being very brave. I hope the doctor was helpful, and whatever your troubles are, I hope you're on the road to sorting them. Love and to you. xx

Shesanana, you are not alone in crying at the Drs.. I have done it twice, once when my mum was very ill and was being her usual difficult self. I walked into the health centre went up to reception and just burst into tears, pure stress. The other was a few weeks ago the Dr asked when I went in how I was and I just burst into floods of tears and told him how bad the pain was. Sometimes you just need to let it all out and good luck for the future.

DannieRae and Jangran
Looks like we too will have to agree to disagree. That's what is so wonderful about the human race, we are all so different and interact together in different ways. I would hate to be a clone!

DH and I definitely have differing opinions and disagreements about lots of things - religion, politics, the kids, food (usually who is going to cook it) and countless other everyday issues, but very rarely is it worth arguing about, life is too short. One of our son's friends once told him he was so lucky to have parents who were happy and got along well and he loved spending time in our home. It was such a nice thing for a young man to say, and until that moment I had never really thought we were any different to any other family. Apparently his parents were always arguing about something or other and he couldn't wait to leave home. Sad.

Two of our sons also have easy going relationships with their partners and happy home lives. Our third son is a quiet, placid guy who likes a peaceful life but his partner is a bit moody, very volatile and occasionally violent. There's no doubt that they have strong feelings for each other so we hope they'll be able find some way to weather the storms.

Everybody is different, it would be a very strange world if we all thought and lived the same way.

Happysexagenarian, when do disagreements become arguments? I'm really interested because your definition of not arguing may be different to somebody else.

Me and my hubby have disagreements every day, nothing serious, just silly things that soon blow over. I think living with someone who never disagreed with you or had a different opinion from you now and again would be a nightmare. As others have said, it does sound like one or other of you must be constantly agreeing with the other for a peaceful life.