The things they say - DHs that is!

5 years ago, when visiting my husband in ICU, one of his nurses was laughing her head off, saying to him that he`d be getting her into bother. Apparently he asked her what something was, then told us that it was a bo--ock, and the nurse said, "No, I told you it was a POLYP!"

Thank you for these hilarious posts that have made me laugh at a very stressful time. Now I have one of my own. Today I visited my DH in Intensive Care after a major operation. He's a bit confused and getting words muddled. He told me he felt a lump moving in his throat so a doctor looked at it and said his uvula was swollen from the breathing tube he'd had in. DH subsequently told two nurses that he was having difficulty swallowing because "my uterus keeps moving around"!

In my house it's only me that talks in my sleep. I used to wake up my late DH. When I was in hospital, aged 13, I was teased by the nurses and other patients as I was saying stop it to my brother in my sleep and they were saying it was a boyfriend.

When we lived in Spain one of the apartments we lived in was above a bar reached by a spiral staircase just inside the backdoor. One night we were in bed when my OH jumped up, said someone is breaking in downstairs and took off running before I could stop him. A few minutes later he was back somewhat shame faced. He had gone charging down and into the bar, then woke up to realise the bar was still open and he was stark naked!

Oh, I’m loving theses posts! I’ve nothing to report regarding my DH, but some of these posts have really made me chuckle. Thank you. ?

Not while he was sleeping but when he was high on drugs after a heart attack.As we walked into his room he was laughing loudly and called out to us to look at the fantastic colour saturation on that picture..well we were a bit taken aback as there wasn't a picture to be seen...he spent the whole visit telling us about the picture..amazing blacks,great depth of colour,picture sharpness etc etc and eventually asked me to take note of the make and model of the TV in the corner ..sadly it was all in his head.There was no TV in the corner or the room at all.
7 years later and he still remembers it and laughingly says he tried to match that viewing experience when we were shopping for a new TV .Did he succeed ..I'll never know .

Oh and Coolgran's brother's comment - that is hilarious too!!

OMG this thread is so funny but the one that has made me laugh the most is MamaCaz and her husband "The Sliced Walnut".
I shall be chuckling for the rest of the day.
Thank you all, again, for cheering me up!!

Oh my, what interesting nights some of you have, I have nothing of interest to report, luckily my husband goes to sleep and doesn't talk or shout in his sleep but I have had a good laugh at some of your amusing stories.

A few years ago my brother and family were all abroad as one of his children was being married abroad.

Now, bear in mind that whilst my brother is full of fun .... He is also very clean living. No swearing or inappropriate talk.

It was high summer and very hot. We were all meeting up in the hotel foyer. Dear brother was well laid back in a chair mopping his brow and enjoying a large glass of iced water. He says ....Oh.. The heat... Look at the state of me, my foreskin is soaking !!!

He immediately realized what he'd said and was mortified. We all laughed so hard, he had to laugh at himself.... But was affronted at having said this in particular as his daughter was present (40) and several other of us ladies. We've never let him forget it.

Just before his faux pas his daughter had actually taken a pic of him sprawled in the chair mopping his 'forehead ' and every so often she still teases him by putting this pic on FB with the comment..... So hot Dad!! He takes it in good spirits

My husband once starting cuddling me in his sleep. When I told him to let me sleep he replied "Oh sorry, I thought you were someone else". I got the giggles, which woke him up and then HE was grumpy :-)

pollyperkins I can relate to your dream of being late. I sometimes have a dream where I am trying to get to work - it's about 4 pm and it's been a catalogue of disasters and delays, the tube has broken down, I've transferred to a bus - it goes the wrong way, etc. etc. I've been retired for 8 years now. It's such a relief to wake up.

My hubby is ex RAF and when our relationship was fairly new, we were babysitting for my daughters new baby. She was a few months old. She was sleeping in her cot at the side of bed, when she woke us with a wierd shrieking kind of sound ( daughter had forgotten to mention that she did this occasionally). Well, my hubby jumped out of bed and stood to attention at the side for a minute before he realised where he was. He said she had sounded like a siren that was sometimes used to wake the guys up.

Baby was fine and carried on sleeping!

Oh dear, I haven't laughed so much for ages. I was sulking over an alleged misdemeanour of one of my DIL's- soon forgot that!
My OH doesn't talk in his sleep, in fact he hardly seems to move, But apparantley I speak in other languages, talk in Elizabethan on occasion, wave to things , sit bolt upright, wag my finger and worst of all snore loudly or hold my breath for long periods. Bless my OH, he is a light sleeper, and to his credit just finds my nocturnal ramblings amusing! Legs55 and annsixty hilarious!As for Phoenix, I nearly wet myself.

My DH also kicks out in the night. There was one time, about 10 years ago when we were on holiday and sleeping in twin beds. Suddenly there was a huge bang, followed by DH leaping out of bed in agony. Apparently, he had dreamt that a dog had started to pee on his leg, and he had kicked out at it. Unfortunately for him, his bed was against the wall, and that is what he had kicked!

Another time, I heard him say "It is me - I am zee sliced walnut!". Moments later he woke up laughing hysterically - it turns out that he had been dreaming that he was a Scarlet Pimpernel- type character. Ever since, we regularly joke about his alter ego, the Sliced Walnut

Gosh, you all make my DH's nocturnal going-ons and conversations quite normal!

BTW, vivid dreams can be a side effect of statins, www.druginformer.com/search/side_effect_details/zocor/vivid%20dreams.html
although my husband came off them, so his night-time sporting activities must be due to something else!

My DH dreams he is playing hockey or football, and I get a whack across the face or a hard kick. When I try to wake him up to protest, he is not at all apologetic and accuses me of obstruction! But I would almost rather that than his insistence on telling me the intricate details of each dream in the morning, at great length....!

Oh this thread is so great I was sneakily reading it this afternoon when at work, and had to actually stop reading before I exploded with laughter. The guy next to me was giving me odd looks, as he saw my facial contortions trying to hold in the laughter.

Silly things really amuse me, and once I start laughing I can't stop, I end up literally crying. It would be rather embarrassing at work, especially if I then had to explain what had set me off.

Thank you all. Laughter is the best medicine …. that sure is true.

We can’t always blame them. While still working I got up for breakfast, switched on the computer and sent an email to someone who had been irritating me. I then went into kitchen to put kettle on, saw clock was wrong and thought we had had a power cut. Slowly it dawned on me it was 2am and I went back to bed only to wake up in a sweat at the proper time wondering what I had said in the email. Luckily it was ok. Phew! I then did the exact same thing about a week later. Was it sleep walking that just slowly moved into waking?

Thank you all for cheering me up immensely - haven't laughed so much for ages

Ah but as a retired teacher I still dream sometimes that Im late for a lesson, haven't prepared anything, can't find the classroom and usually there's an Ofsted inspection too. Sometimes I'm improperly dressed eg naked from the waist down and keep trying to pull my jumper down. And I retired over 20 years ago!

My DH has suddenly started having vivid dreams and even begun acting them out. The worst one is where he has overslept and is worried he is going to be late for work. His arms shoot out throwing off the bedclothes as he shouts "oh, no!" which would be bad enough if has arm didn't land right across my solar plexus winding me. DD wondered what on earth was going on as she heard the shout from her dad followed by the grunt and "not again" from me. He left that job in 1994!

Empty nester, my OH does the same, he startshuffing and puffing and then starts kicking. Says he’s dreaming he is playing football. The other thing he did was lean over me and grabbed a huge chunk of flab on my hip/stock and started pulling! When I yelled and pushed him it woke him up and he said he was dreaming that he was pulling a boat in! Now when he starts moving in h is sleep I just get up and movetothespare bed. He’s a lovely gently really.

Can't think of anything, but I just wanted to say 'thank you' for the best laugh out loud moments I have had for ages!