Emotionally abusive??

I cannot believe that anyone in their right mind would make such a comment about their mother on social media for all to see. I did not diagnose anyone with anything .I said
that it seems to me....Surely the other reason would be spite or vindictiveness .It is the open forum I find difficult.I agree that we often lash out at loved ones but surely not on social media.

Greenfinch just because someone says something untoward, you shouldn't immediately diagnose them with severe mental health problems.
I agree with Jinty to an extent, you are enabling the addiction to continue Ingrid time for a rethink. We always hurt those nearest and dearest to us when we are in difficulties, don't take this too much to heart.

Ingrid you say you read it inadvertently - did she post somewhere she didn't expect you to frequent, or did you see it on e.g. an iPad she left sitting around? I'm just wondering if maybe she meant you to see it?

She's depressed, and with good reason to be; with a unemployed gambler for a husband who being so much older than her she will have worked out she may well end up as a carer for him in her old age. I'd find that depressing .

I think LiltingLyrics is on the right track. You've said something, and rather than admit the truth of it to herself she's in denial and turns it around to being abusive. She is being emotionally abused, but by her partner. He's got her supporting him and his addiction to her detriment.

"DH and I have propped them up many times and I feel we have been very supportive."
Do you mean financially propped up? If so, I really think you should stop that. For as long as they can muddle through, his addiction will never be addressed. And in a way, it will be twisted round in her head to be part of your 'emotional abuse' - making her beholden to you, expected to be grateful blah blah blah.

Stop propping them up. Let them face a financial crisis, if that is what it will result in. Otherwise, what you're actually supporting is her continued entrapment in a relationship that is draining and depressing her.

I had CBT some years back as I was suffering with anxiety and OCD, I felt that the lady was always steering me to blame my parents for my personal problems!

If I said I felt a certain way, I was directed to bring up something from my childhood and aportion any blame on that experience and my parents.

At that time I had enough to deal with without adding being angry st my parents which I felt was unjustified.

Ingrid45. Going off topic a little. Many years ago now, my husband died young and I was struggling with bereavement. I didn’t want drugs. I wanted coping strategies and so I was sent for counselling. The first session was spent delving into my childhood, the therapist doggedly trying to unearth some non-existent historic trauma inflicted by my parents that would pinpoint why I wasn’t able to cope. I was upset at this approach, told her so and never went back.

However, if your daughter is in denial about how her partner’s gambling is impacting on her life then she will be searching for someone to else to blame. We all try to rationalise our behaviour. It can be hard to take personal responsibility for the difficulties in our own lives and all too easy to lay blame elsewhere.

Is this something you think you might be able to talk to her about? Are you a friend or a follower on whichever social media site she has posted this on? Can you mention it without risk of an accusation of trolling? The immediacy of social media has tripped up many people but comments can be deleted or at least redacted.

I wonder if it has even occurred to her that she is herself culpable of emotional abuse in this instance by saying what she has said about you in a public place and causing such distress.

Oh dear, this generation need a good dose of reality. It probably means you disagreed with her and said so Ingrid so that would have scarred her emotionally ?....and as for airing your (perceived) dirty linen in public, it’s out there fir all to see these days.

Bring back National Service I say...for both sexes, that’s equality.

So have you thought about how you are going to deal with this?

I love her so much and I am so proud of what she has achieved. I feel as if my whole world is falling apart. We have always tried to accept her husband as the person she has chosen to be with. I think you are right Lilting Lyrics, some therapies seem to use blaming the parents as their default setting.

As I understand it, emotional abuse is behaviour which is used to gain power and control in a relationship.

It can include: insulting, criticising, threatening, gaslighting, ridiculing, shaming, intimidating, swearing, name-calling, stonewalling, lying, belittling and ignoring.

Are there things that you say which could make her think this? Based on what you have said in your post it could be things like:

"Why doesn't he get a job?" "
"Why are you working so hard just to pay for his gambling?"
"We have had to help you out so many times."

She may interpret all of this as criticism of a man she loves, intimating that she has made a poor choice.

Is she having counselling for her depression? A counsellor will be trying to get to the root cause of her illness but often people will avoid naming the real problem and some therapies will often look to blame parents.

What a dreadful thing to write about you. It sounds as if she has severe mental health problems.

How hurt you must feel.
This is one of the reasons that social media can be a very destructive thing.
Sometimes people who have problems and can’t cope with life find it easier to blame others, especially those who they see as strong and are close to. She probably doesn’t mean what she has said and it’s a great pity that she chose to use social media to hurt you. Did she know you would see it?
She sounds as though she has quite a few issues to deal with.
Maybe she feels guilty and angry with herself for depending on you such a lot.
Can you pretend you haven’t seen it, keep giving her support and make sure you aren’t ‘emotionally abusive’.
However you wanted to know what that phrase meant, I can only think that you may have made some suggestions to her that were not welcome even though they may have been well intentioned?