Iis it unnatural to love your partner MORE than your children.

And rescuing a child or a partner first in a fire is equally stupid! Of course you rescue a child first - they need your help. If it is an adult child then quite possibly you need to rescue the partner first or more likely your adult child is the one to rescue you. I would hope that anyone would rescue a 2 yr old before their partner even if they didn't know the 2 yr old. Why do people come up with such silly questions?!!

I agree with SueDonim on the very first reply. I simply don't understand people who need to measure or compare love. Love for a husband or your child are completely different things - I don't see how you even think about it, let alone start. Maybe people feel very insecure and needy.

Mine too ?

I agree with you Bluebell, I love my children more than any man , but I love my grandchildren as much as my children but in a different way. I know it's an artificial situation but if there was Titanic type event who would you give up your place in the lifeboat for?

That's a great memory Anniebach and a real demonstration of the reality of loving our partners and children x

Not one of those Elegran, but when I was in Labour with our second baby , neighbours stayed with our 22 month old whilst my husband drove me to the hospital , left me and my case at the entrance and shot back home to be with our first born, I had to get myself and the case up to the first floor ? I 100% supported his decision .

How about a specific example instead of a generalised rule?

What if your DH is hospitalised with a sudden emergency as you are about to attend a school concert where your child will be performing? Do you let him be admitted alone or do you leave your child to perform without you there?

What if you are asked to look after grandchildren on a day when your DH is being presented with an award?

It is easy to say "Of course X must come first" - but it depends which of them needs you most, and it may not be the same answer under all circumstances.

What a ridiculous question ! Your children must always come first, you created them, it doesn’t even warrant a second thought.

Aniebach...please take care of yourself. Seek Cruse if you can.

Fantastic post Alygran.

Thank you deaneke, we don’t decide who we love or how much we love , it just happens .

So sorry, Annie.

paddyann I think I would agree with your Mum.
When I married my husband my only desire was to spend the rest of my life loving him, whether or not we had children. Forty years and three children later I still feel that way. I love all of my children individually, sometimes one more than another depending on their needs at the time. I could not comprehend life without any one of my children, and definitely not without my DH. Together we make two halves of a whole and I dread the day when that whole will be broken. But I have always put DH needs first, before myself or my children and will always continue to do that. Our children have grown into loving, kind, considerate and well-balanced adults, husbands and partners who have taken their cues from our loving relationship. So I think, for us, it has worked out OK. But every partnership and family is different and must do what is right for them.

paddyann, it can not be said that I am a widow who moved on quickly, been a widow for forty three years, when I chose my husbands grave stone I had inscribe “I Shall Not Look Upon His Like Again “. This has proved to be true . But the love for my elder daughter is even stronger , when she died I said here “she was my joy, my tears , my world “ this is true, I cannot explained the bond between us , just it was very deep and very strong and I thank God she was his gift to me, I was so blessed to have such a daughter .

My sister and I always said that when the time came our mum should go before dad. We knew that dad would manage quite on his own and he does (with my help) he has quite a good social life too. My mum had no social life, no friends and just hung on my (bossy) dads every word. In her eyes he could do no wrong. Silly as it might seem she couldn’t even admire a picture of a good looking film/pop star as said the only man in the world she wanted to admire was her husband. She cut off all her work colleagues as couldn’t bear to spend a minute more away from my dad than absolutely necessary. Sad.

the diffference is you had young children and they give you the reason to go on Annie like I said mine are 40 and 30 and have their own lives and families .We see them all the time ,we love them dearly but they, like we did,have to get on with their lives their way.I've been with my OH for 44 years .Some very tough times ,some fantastic ..always better for being together .I am independent ,good with finances etc ,happy to do DIY ,have my own friends and life BUT he is always at the core of every day .I am so sorry for your recent loss and I know your grief will last the rest of your life .It is a very different grief losing a child ,as someone said to me ,theres no NAME for a parent who loses a child ,you're just expected to go on with life .I know lots of folk who moved on from being widowed very quickly ..I know its not what I would do or even consider doing .I know not many will understand that .

Anniebach my heart goes out to you

Anniebach your story is heartbreaking. I know I would feel the same if I were in your position. I hope you have love and support from others in your life. Please try to find a reason to carry on. Bereavement counselling will help when you feel ready to take that step. Sending love to you x

Annie that is so sad, it must be a very difficult time for you.

Paddyann, yes always, you say you can live with the loss of your child but not sure if you could with the death of your husband . I haven’t forgotten the pain of my husband dying even though it was years ago. My darling daughter dying was only six months ago.

My husband died in a car accident , when I was told of his death I said then and still think - he lay alone on that road through the night, I wish someone had been with him, to hold his body.

When my daughter died she was not alone, two people tried to save her ,the rescue team were there quickly and took her from the river. My thoughts then and still are - I wish I had been with her to hold her , I held her after her birth , I wanted to hold her when she died.

I didn’t know how I would go on without my husband, I don’t want to go on without my daughter.

Very similar to my experience Cambia I loved my mum very much but she was a different person around my dad. He worked shifts in heavy industry and when he was on nights my mum was so needy. She would insist that my sister and I slept in her bed (we couldn’t even go in the room and sit on the end when my dad was home). She would allow us to stay up to watch the end of something on TV (because she liked it) whereas my dad was very spiteful and would make us go to bed 5 minutes before the end of something “just because he had the power to”.

When he came in from work he would stride across the living room and pick and imaginary piece of dirt up just so he could start as he meant to go on and we would hide away in our room. No noise while he ate his dinner, no friends over when he was in etc. To be honest (and maybe I should be ashamed to say this) I hated him and wished he would go to work and never come back. I loved to be at my grandma and grandads house and spent as much time there as possible and would have happily moved there all together if my parents would have allowed it (they wouldn’t) .

These days my dad has mellowed hugely. He dotes on my grandchildren (although he and my mum didn’t have time for their own as it would have infringed on “their” precious time). My dads on his own now and needs to have me around to keep him company, include him in family things and to see his “precious” great grandchildren. I am still a bit frightened of the man he once was and can’t help but feel a little bit bitter and very sad when I see him all lovely with my little ones.

Gillybob my mum was exactly the same as yours. My dad always came first and to be honest I don’t think he really wanted children. We always had to be in bed when he came home and out of the way and we only ever had one holiday with them both as my dad hated it. I wasn’t frightened of him but I think it forced me to be fiercely independent and I always clashed with him. He wasn’t an unkind man but really only wanted my mum. He has died now and I cannot say that I miss him which I find quite sad.
I love my husband and children equally and don’t think that I could choose between them but I am really thankful we don’t have the same relationship with our sons that I had with my father.

Agree with you BlueBelle. My children would always come first.

Husband first always. You met him first, loved him first, lived with him first, shared the joy of children with him first, the pleasure of becoming grandparents with him first. The children fit in with your lives, not the other way round, and when they leave home it will be just you two once again. My mother told me that on my wedding too, and here I am 53 years later to tell you all that she was right ?

*one’s partner or a sibling