Gransnet forums

Chat

What would you do

(101 Posts)
ruthiek Tue 20-Mar-18 20:51:47

Please bear with me if I ramble but I would love to know what you all would do in my situation.
I am in my 60’s and until two years ago I had a very close friend of 10 years . We worked together and even went on holiday . She was like a sister . To cut a long story short I was bullied at work by a colleague over a number of years snd then 3 years ago I discovered my “friend” had been giving all my private stuff to the bully , I ended up having a heart attack and decided to leave work snd my friend behind.
A few months later I let her back into my life and tlshe betrayed my trust again . I cut her off completely and have taken the time to rebuild my life, including overcoming cancer ,albeit I don’t allow anyone to get close to me anymore.
On Saturday I received a text from this friend saying she missed me and was sorry , I ignored her ,she then sent her partner round asking if I would see her.
Part of me wants to ignore her, part of me wants to tell her how hirt I feel and yet I miss her as well although I could never trust her again . DH thinks I am mad to even consider it

Horton1828 Wed 21-Mar-18 13:19:59

Don’t put yourself through it again. When trust is gone, so is respect. She clearly had no respect for you and abused the trust you had put in her. It really is difficult, especially when you have feelings for the person, but sometimes you have to just walk away, maintain self respect.

Supernan Wed 21-Mar-18 14:08:03

She's bad news. Take all the advice here and tell her to go away. You don't even have to be that polite!!

Bridgeit Wed 21-Mar-18 14:40:23

Instead of telling her how you feel , tell yourself how you feel, which is , she hurt you, she used ,you she let’s you down & you don’t trust her, keeping telling yourself , because it’s you that needs to remember this & stay well away from her, she won’t even give a dam. people like her use people you because they are utterly self centred, you on the other hand sound like a lovely caring lady , the only person you need as a best friend is YourSelf, big hug good luck stay determined

Tessa101 Wed 21-Mar-18 15:51:15

Sounds like an awful friend to me,does she just want to know more personal info about you to pass on.Dont fall foul to this woman again, she obviously thinks she can twist you round her finger again.You are worth more than her friendship has to offer.

kwest Wed 21-Mar-18 16:16:14

What a beautiful and meaningful expression

Rosina Wed 21-Mar-18 16:46:07

You sounds like a person with a kind and forgiving nature; this vile person has played on that - twice. There is an old Chines proverb which goes something like ' Once - happy chance; twice - coincidence; three times - war.'
Don't let her see kindness as weakness as that is a really big mistake. She will exploit you again eventually as it seems inevitable.

Telly Wed 21-Mar-18 18:06:46

For her own reasons she is desperate to get back into your life. Her actions are not those of a friend. As they say with friends like her, who needs enemies?
I would think that she has done enough damage in the past. Ignore her, it will drive her bonkers.

Direne3 Wed 21-Mar-18 19:11:39

Ruthiek, you said 'and yet I miss her' but surely in reality who you miss is the person you thought she was.

sharon103 Wed 21-Mar-18 19:14:23

I wouldn't even text or write to her with an explanation. She already knows why the friendship has ended. Ignore her completely. Close the book and move on.

Hollycat Wed 21-Mar-18 19:28:46

I think you're mad to even consider it. Why put yourself through all that again? Don't be daft.

LuckyFour Wed 21-Mar-18 19:52:54

Contrary to all the other posts I think I would be inclined to see her, perhaps on neutral ground eg a cafe in town. It would be interesting to hear what she has to say about what she did and why she did these things. The impact on you has been huge and it may be a chance for you to tell her how her betrayal has felt. Don't humble yourself though. She should do any humbling/crawling. Just meeting her doesn't mean you can be friends again, that probably could never be possible.

newnanny Wed 21-Mar-18 19:59:46

It sounds ad if she just wants to be mean to you to make herself feel good. She is pure poison. Move on and make new nicer friends. You gave her a second chance and she stabbed you again don't give her a third shot at you.

rafichagran Wed 21-Mar-18 20:21:17

No, how many times does someone have to slap you in the face before you realise it hurts.
You were so kind, you gave her another chance, when the coward stood and watched another person bully you, and to make matters worse fed her little tit bits.
The bully was a shit, but so was your rotton friend. You sound a lovely person. Please don't see her again.

Joan Wed 21-Mar-18 21:02:19

No No No. She thinks she needs you, you certainly don't need her. She will probably continue to bother you, so be strong. People like her have no empathy, and really don't care who they hurt.

Chris4159 Wed 21-Mar-18 21:32:53

I would stay well away. You don't need friends like her .

Rosina Wed 21-Mar-18 22:26:04

Lightbulb moment - I just had to add another comment having read what Joan has said; how right that is - she thinks you need her and is so egotistical she can't see what she has done or think it is wrong, and imagines you are willing to be emotionally abused again.

DeeWBW Wed 21-Mar-18 22:31:10

Ruthiek,

You're probably safer letting go of the thought of another reunion, as you just seem to be attracting more hurt. Let it go, make friends of strangers and try to trust again. As a qualified cousellor, I have often heard clients say that they will forgive but that they will never forget. I think you're past that stage. Be good to yourself, please.

ajanela Thu 22-Mar-18 09:03:25

Having re read your post you say the text said "she missed me and she was sorry I ignored her."

So she isn't even admitting she did anything wrong and you are in the wrong for ignoring her. So she isn't contacting you to apologise but to let you know she has forgiven you for ignoring her and wants to be friends again as she missed you.

Then she sends her partner round! Very strange.

starlily106 Thu 22-Mar-18 09:46:21

No, no, no. She betrayed you twice, that is once too often, dont let her be in a position to do it again. Some very good advice from all the people who have answered your query.

goldengirl Thu 22-Mar-18 11:05:13

Good grief! Give this person a wide berth. Perhaps it's me and my personality but whilst enjoying friendships I never get too close and to date it's worked out well. It hasn't stopped friends sharing their 'secrets' with me though but they know they won't go any further.
There's a lot about friendships on GN and whilst I have several friends I'm amazed at this reliance on such relationships and the surprise and hurt when these relationships break down.
Perhaps I'm just weird confused

EmilyHarburn Thu 22-Mar-18 11:38:40

Have this ex friend back a third time and her next betrayal is likely to kill you.

She clearly has some type of personality disorder, she will have no conscience at all about the damage she has done you in the past, she will repeat it and you will suffer.

Do not let her into your life.

DS64till Thu 22-Mar-18 16:44:56

Wow This is similar to a friend I had who I rarely speak with now. My rule of thumb is that if your friend generally gossips/ runs people down when she is with u then she’s doing it to u too. Please don’t give in ; broaden your circle of friends, there are good people out there x

Jools1953 Fri 23-Mar-18 00:24:13

I wouldn’t give her another second of your life, she doesn’t deserve it. You need someone you can trust, and she’s clearly not that person.

JanT8 Mon 26-Mar-18 17:04:40

Don’t even waste a second of your time wondering what to do, she was never a friend in the first place!

Life is short, surround yourself with people who make you happy without having to consider if they’re genuine or not.

There are still a lot of lovely people in the world, stick with those!

lottagelady Fri 06-Apr-18 00:50:33

Good for you!!!