I'm feeling guilty

You said she was passive/aggressive minimo!

For your own conscience, and for your DH, it might be good to continue visiting her and being nice.

Perhaps she's feeling a bit guilty too now mortality approaches.
You can't change the past. Guilt is a useless emotion unless it is a step to changing the present.
Perhaps you can both make a bit more effort and finish on a positive relationship

Try not to feel terrible minimo, she was like that ,so you had every right to feel how you did. Perhaps now in her vulnerable situation she has had time to reflect & wants to be at peace with those she may have to rely on ,I suspect it is she who is having regrets & wishing she had behaved better. Best wishes

She is a very sad, lonely woman. This was the first time I didn't walk away mulling over some mean comment she'd made. And she's never said anything remotely like that to me. I was trying very hard not to be cynical and blame it on the drugs! I will visit her again of course - she doesn't have many friends left and is lonely.

Gosh this rings a bell. My MiL was exactly the same but just before she died at 103 she always valued my opinion and relied on me. I realised that she had never realised how much I disliked her and for that I am proud. Maybe your Mil is the same.

Oh, if it's pethedine (spelling?) she'll love everyone!

My father in law is the same as your MIL. I'm still waiting for one nice comment though!

My ex mil was extremely difficult to get on with and was often very mean towards me. My ex was an only child and his dad died when he was 9 so mil was like an extra person in our marriage. Where we went she came too.
When I had my 2 daughters she did not speak to me when I was pregnant as she did not want me to have children but she loved the girls and was very good to them.
I had 14 years of struggle with her, but when early signs of dementia set in she thought I was the best things since sliced bread and told everyone what a wonderful dill I was.
Towards the end though she didn’t know any of us.
A couple of weeks after her death my husband left me for my friend so my poor daughters lost their nana and their dad in one go.
So I put up with her nastiness for years and that was my reward.

Be nice to her she's an old lady

I wouldn't worry about any past behavior - it's over and you can't change it, neither of you can. Just try to treat her as you'd like her to treat you. I'm sure you haven't been anywhere near as ghastly as you fear - but I know I have.

I have seen this sort of thing when I worked in elderly care, some folk could seem quite hard and difficult and then something happens and you see a different side to them, as you say she is frail, probably frightened and feeling vulnerable, so maybe this could be the start of a better relationship. You could gently tell her you had the impression that she never quite approved of you so you appreciate knowing she thinks you are good for her son.

Gosh, another of my illusions shattered! I was visiting in hospital when MiL was unusually complimentary to me. I always thought she had 'seen the light' but now I realise it may have all been down to Pethidine. Think I'll try clinging to the former.....

minimo If it's any comfort, I used to know someone similar to your MIL, but then she had a mini stroke, which completely changed her character for the better and it was a permanent change. I'm wondering if your MIL had the fall due to a (mini)-stroke and it's had a similar effect?

Be dutiful. You will never regret it.
My own DM was exactly how you describe your MiL, tho she never told me how nice i was.. . but i never regretted looking after her as best i could. It also gives a good example to your DCs

It is possible she never got close to your kids cos you were avoiding spending time with her. Unless your DH visited a lot, with the kids, in which case I don't know.

Maybe she is worrying about living alone when she comes out of hospital and wants to move in with you. I know. I am a nasty-minded person.

How much is Pethedine and can I bulk buy it?

I am sure my kids would prefer me on it.

People often see how sweet life was as they are leaving, pity about the wasted years.

Minimo Cynically, I would be very dubious about this sudden show of affection, thinking that your MIL had suddenly realised that she would need your support and care from now on.

My MIL hated me before we had even met and found fault with everything I did or didn't do. Nonetheless, having accepted that we would never be close, I did my duty and was unfailing kind and concerned to her face. I must admit I took a perverse pleasure in annoying her by lavishing praise upon her in public, taking her small gifts (straight in the bin) while sharing my real thoughts behind her back.

When she broke her hip and we rushed to hospital, she kept asking 'where is my son' (He was away filling in the admission forms) and the nurse said 'never mind your son you have your daughter here'. She went ballistic, dropped my hand saying that I was no relative of hers. The nurse made it worse by remarking that she had made the assumption because I looked so like her. Ironically, she collapsed at her DH's funeral and later died in MY arms.

My lasting feeling is great sorrow for her. A clever woman who was miserable for most of her life and lost all her friends/relatives even the love of her DGDs by her actions and cutting comments. I have no guilt about how I treated her. I did my 'duty' by her while trying to protect my DH, DDs and her DH from the worst of her excesses. I never had a word of thanks from her but did have recognition from the rest of the wider family for having 'the patience of a saint'.

minimo
Don't.
She is probably feeling quite vulnerable at the moment and appreciated you making the effort to visit.
Mums and sons usually, but not always, have a stronger tie than mums and their daughters and that may be why your mil displayed p/a behaviour. Who knows...just let it go if you can and let her know you love her. Love breaks down lots of barriers. ☺

I once sat next to my friend's MiL at a play, and she spent ages telling me what a wonderful daughter in law my friend was and how much she appreciated. My friend nearly fell over when I told her, as her conversations with her MiL were more along the lines of what a spendthrift she was etc!

My mil was very much the same. She didn't speak to me for years and I was ostracised by her from any family events.

When she became very ill, she contacted me and invited me to her house. I did so, because I felt sorry for her and wanted to help and be there for my husband during her very long and painful death.

I'm glad I did.

Don't feel guilty, it's in the past and see this as an opportunity for a new beginning, however short it may be.

I went no-contact with an elderly aunt of Dh's. In later years she had become monumentally self centred, but the last straw for me came when she complained bitterly to other family members of being 'abandoned'.

What had actually happened that Dh and I had left at very short notice for the US, where my sister's husband was gravely ill (he died soon afterwards) and there was a very young niece to look after while my sister was at the hospital.

In reality the aunt had been left with our two grown up dds running around after her. She just resented the fact that dh's attention was diverted elsewhere.

She didn't even care when I told her later that my BiL had died. She actually said, 'I don't want to know,'

I had previously done a good deal for her, but that was It. I told Dh I was having nothing more to do with her.

I only relented a few years later, when she was on the way out, and even then it was largely just to keep Dh company on the 2 hour drive each way.

My MIL wouldn't allow me in her house, I never knew why. She apparently referred to me as a slut (Not a fair description) . Then when I was pregnant she miraculously changed. My DH thought it was wonderful but although I made an effort for his sake, I never forgot how she had been, and never really felt at ease in her company as I was always expecting her to revert back.

Look some people especially if they had a bit of a tough time in life can seem abrasive or hard when they really aren’t it’s a tough outer shell built up to protect Give the lady the benefit of the doubt her son must love her as he seems to visit regularly so she can’t be that hideous and a lot of people who aren’t very organised need reminding of birthdays She may be lonely or in pain just be glad she thinks your a good person even if she hasn’t been able to showor say it before it before
All you pethadine posters are a cynical lot ?

Never fall out with the elderly they won't be here forever.
Forgive the grumpy and turn it into a family joke