HOW YOU LIFE CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

It's so hard reading all of this as we all expect our lives to be happy and an innocent remark can cause so much offence. I have two daughter in laws big very different but I'm very wary of saying anything that might cause offence as I want contact not conflict in my life. Thin lines all the time I hope it gets sorted for you keep away for a little while showing your hurt. Let them ring you give it time .x

I've learnt over the years to only give my opinion when asked for it and to say to family members when asked for it " are you sure you want it?" That way I can be open and honest. Sometimes my opinion is to tell them that it's none of my business what they do other times I give it to them straight but never judge them over their decisions.We all have lessons to learn in life and we can't learn them from other people's mistakes because it's only the pain from our own mistakes that gives us that lesson. I hope you find the right solution for you and your family

Give it time....I am sure things will calm down. Nobody likes being told how they should be spending their money. It is their debt...they will deal with it. Give them a few days and maybe apologise for expressing your opinion. It is the only way to sort this out I think. Hugs

When I was expecting our second baby I told my mother that we were going to buy a new house because we needed another bedroom. Mother told me in no uncertain terms that I was putting a millstone around DH's neck and I should be grateful that we already had a little cottage. DH and I had worked out our finances and knew that we could afford the house but she thought she knew better. Interference like that does not go down well and I never really forgave mother.
I think you are going to have to do some grovelling, my mother never apologised she still thought she was right and it soured the relationship.

Anya is so right. Add a sorry too. It will never get better if you do nothing , sadly. Eating humble pie is the only way . I have had to do it too. Since that time my lips are sealed .

I am sorry that you are dealing with this, however, I don't agree with other posters that you were wrong to say what you did. Just because we become grandparents doesn't mean we have to force some sort of subserviance upon ourselves and cloak any wisdom we might have rather than upset people.

If they are strapped for cash and spalshing out on a holiday, that is of course their business and frankly, I think they have reacted as gulity people do, by blaming you for holding up a mirror to their profligacy.

I also think they are spiteful to say you cannot have your GC at half term, who are they hurting, their own child and your son's mother. It won't do them any harm to have a think about their behaviour and I would be reluctant to advise that you start making overtures, you are still your boy's mother and entitled to concerns about him and your own opinions.

There is far to little respect for elders in our culture as it is.

You are deserving of respect.

I do sympathise. It's like a punch in the stomach, isn't it. After a brief quiet period of retreat then maybe you should contact them. Not to apologise, but to mend fences before it becomes fixed in stone. A bit of grovelling is better than losing them permanently out of your life.
If you have previously had a good relationship with your dil then she will surely want to mend fences also.
I've had things like this happen and have tried to learn from it. Not that you said anything particularly bad, but it obviously touched a nerve. Sometimes in life we need to learn to keep our lips zipped. I've learnt that the hard way.
Good luck.

At the time of my episode with my DD, she said to me 'what we do is none of your business'. My DH said to me 'she's right. Leave them alone'. So now I do. We might not like some of the things they do, but we keep well out of it.

You are obviously distressed, and i am sorry that you are. However we don't have any more to go on than what you have said, and we cannot judge where the right lies here. Perhaps you spoke gently and lovingly, and perhaps your DIL can be difficult. Or perhaps you poked your nose in where it doesn't belong one time too many and she just couldn't keep quiet any longer. You see, we just don't know. I can only work off of my initial reaction, which is this: if my MIL (or even if my own mum had done so when she was alive) started questioning how we were going to afford a holiday and whether we were going into debt to do it, I wouldn't be any too happy, and if it wasn't the first time she had 'expressed her concern' I would be telling her, quite firmly, to wind her neck in. Just how did you 'express your opinion', and why did you think that you had the right to comment to two adult people who, I presume, run their own lives perfectly successfully? And is your son merely standing with his wife, as is only right, or is he too offended by your comments? I sound very harsh, and if i am being unfair I am really sorry, but i wouldn't take interference without biting back, and i'm sure many others wouldn't either.

There is absolutely no fathoming people. My brother has not spoken to me since August (the latest in a long line of perceived insults mostly thought of by his wife). This would appear to have been triggered by the death of Our dear friend who was a distant relative of my SIL. In itself wasn’t an issue but was made worse by the fact that our mother was very ill. She lived with me, my DH and and I were giving her 24 hour care, brother hardly visited her, he didn’t buy her birthday or Christmas presents yet did for his in-laws and she had always adored him, She passed away at home 3 weeks ago. Brother refused to act as co-Executor on her will (texted ‘you can do it). So I was caring for her, arranging her funeral, sorting her estate. He came (with wife) to the funeral didn’t speak and left without saying goodbye. So after years of him thinking he can say, do & treat people exactly as he wants with no consequences and the upset he caused a 92 year old he is now out of my life. Because he’s a spineless individual I’m still no wiser as to the basis for this attitude and I do hope that I don’t lose contact with my nephew and niece (my only close relatives). As I said - no fathoming people - you most definitely can’t puck your family!

I am so sorry to hear that this has happened. There is a way back though as I experienced something similar. Some years ago I interfered and expressed a strong opinion to my son-in-law about some dangerous activities he was encouraging my 4 and 6 year old grandchildren to undertake. My daughter had just moved in with him and he is the children's stepdad. My daughter agreed with me but DS in law took no notice. I spoke to him on the phone and he was not pleased and we had a big row. He said that he would never speak to me again and was going to throw my daughter and grandchildren out. An obnoxious man maybe but I had to swallow my pride and concerns and apologize which I did by text initially. Fortunately he accepted the apology and I asked him not to tell me about worrying activities. We have got on OK since then, I think he reacted so strongly to make sure that I got the message he won't tolerate mother in law interference. Sometimes you have to eat humble pie to preserve family life for the sake of the grandchildren, even though the decisions their parents are taking are obviously crazy. Hoping it all works out, big hugs.

I agree with Anya, too. It's not grovelling to admit that you said something better unsaid and that you feel regret. In fact it shows tremendous character.
I do hope your situation is soon resolved. I know from personal experience how very painful these things can be!

Hello travelsafar. Do you think maybe you hit a raw nerve with one or both of them.... maybe they are getting into debt over holidays!! I think this could be the case. We owe our younger generation cautionary observations sometimes! They won't keep you out in the cold long.... just until they need childcare! Cynical maybe..... but oh so true.Take heart ..... they'll be back.

Anya’s Message works perfectly.

But I suspect the OP won’t do this.

I like Anya's answer - I know you meant well but money (and what to do with it) is always a minefield. Unless you were asked to contribute or would be asked to help out if they did overspend then really it isn't your business what they spend their money on is it? I wouldn't like my daughter commenting on what I choose to do with my money I'm sure. Don't let it drag on - you have known your DIL a long time, be a shame to let it fester.

I agree with Anya I almost had a falling out with my DD a couple of years ago over something I said. It was a BIG mistake. Fortunately things are OK now but it was touch and go for a while. I will never, ever do that again. Now I let them get on with their lives and they include us when they want to. Good luck travelsafar

Nip this in the bud. This is where texts come into their own. Send them a joint text, simply say ‘I don’t know what on earth came over me. Your finances are none of my business and I think I was having a senior moment. Love you all xx’

I do not think it is a case of "grovelling" - it is simply a case of the OP realising that she was in the wrong and saying so. Of course this comment just slipped out - how many of us have done this and wished we had bitten our tongues!? - and unfortunately it hit a raw nerve.

It takes courage to admit you were wrong and say so - it is not grovelling; it is what we taught our children and teach our DGC - if you have done wrong, then say sorry.

It is the way to go if you want to get things back on an even keel. No place here for righteous indignation and pride.

I feel for you travelsafar. These things blow up and the pain is horrendous. This has happened to me frequently with DS's ex, for example, when I dropped off DGDs at her house one day, DS had brought DGS from football at the same time. She threatened police and took photos on her phone complaining that DS was not allowed on her street and screaming I was not to go there ever again!!

After a sleepless night, distraught and crying (me) she rang the next day asking me to pick up DGD from school as if nothing had happened! I have learned to stay calm, keep quiet and ignore her reactions to anything.

I have also since found out she has fallen out with friends and family and then made up on numerous occasions. People are very different in how they live their lives and how they cope with things. I sincerely hope that things work out for you too with your DS and DiL so that you can retain your relationship with your DGD.

Travelsafer I completely understand how you are feeling, our DIL stopped speaking to us for reasons unknown to us and even our DS. This went on for over 6months, we have known her since she was 17 even gave her a home and treated her like an extra daughter (we already have one).
Tried asking she walked out of her house wouldn't answer our phone calls. In the end we gave her space still seeing DS and DGC when she wasn't around.
Then last week I phoned expecting our son to answer but she did and it was as though nothing had been wrong, she was chatty and friendly, we have decided to just carry on as if the last 6 months had not happened.
I hope Travelsafer that everything was just a blip in your life and DIL and DS come back with DG to see you when they have thought about the things said. I cannot give you any advice as I am still trying to understand what went wrong with our family.
It is easy for people to say don't worry or for you to apologize (only you can decide on that point).
Big hugs as I'm sure you need them xx

I can really sympathise with this because what you said is what I often think about my son and dil. However I made a rule to myself that I'd never ever voice opinions to them, as I did once many years ago and it backfired but could have been an lot worse. So now I just sound off to a close friend and get it out of my system that way.
I do hope it settles down, even if you have to apologise and I'm sure they will need you and won't deprive you of your grandchild.

Hopefully this will blow over. Sometimes things flare up without anyone expecting that they would. It sounds like tempers raised, and threats were made. I hope you can sort it all out, and put it behind you.

I think you are entitled to your opinion , but maybe they reacted without thinking and time will calm things

I'm a bit gobsmacked by the number of posters advising you to grovel and make an abject apology. There seems to be a lot of living in fear of offending DC regardless of whether they are being totally unreasonable or not. You obviously hit a nerve - maybe DS and DIL had had words on the subject before and you are now reaping the consequences. I would take a very deep breath and stand back. I guess having DGC for half term was doing them a favour as well as being good for you so they will probably think again in the cold light of day.

Before you contact make sure you think things through. People and families are different and it can be difficult dealing Witt people who think things appropriate when you do not. It can lead to a lot of lip biting. You say you gave your opinion, but the definition of giving your opinion unasked when it is different to what someone is doing is “criticism”. If you are in the habit of giving your opinion this way, your son and DIL may have been feeling your (well meant) criticism for a long time, and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Of course this may be very far from the case, but if it isn’t and you approach them like this is a one off your lack of self-awareness may annoy them even more.