HOW YOU LIFE CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I think Anya has it spot on, and hopefully you will feel that you can do as she suggests. It may all resolve itself soon - I hope so. Best wishes to you and yours.

I'm with Anya. Your family means too much for you to risk losing them.Grovel & apologise.I've been there & done that with a DIL. I'm not prepared to lose my son or grandchildren,I'd do whatever it takes to keep this ship on an even keel. Good luck.X

travelsafar,I feel sorry for you being in this situation.You were only giving your opinion,there must be truth in it for them to overreact like this.I think you should try to speak to your son before half term.I don't know what age your GD is,but it's not nice for her.I hope you can sort this out.

Well, so many wise words there's not a lot else to say really except that....

If I were you travelsafar I would be on the phone, at the door or whatever grovelling like hell !

Sometimes silly little comments can cause a world war and it seems that your comments (however well meant) might have done just that.

We don't always agree with our children's lifestyle choices but we have to bite our tongues (I am very good at it indeed) sometimes and just let them get on with it.

When it boils down to it they might really need that holiday and despite getting into a bit of debt it may be just what the doctor ordered for them.

Again I would say, I think you should speak to you DS and DDiL, ASAP and apologise for "sticking your nose in".

You really can't let something like this ruin your relationship with your family.

Good luck. x

Travelsafar - Loads of sense on this thread, try to ignore the embittered naysayers!

Anya - what a great suggestion in your post. Short, to the point, and likely to calm the situation.

travelsafar - my DiL has always needed to be handled with care. DS often tells me I've made thoughtless remarks, sometimes he's right! Everything blew up badly, I thought DiL and I might never speak or meet again. It took time but gradually the situation eased and all's serene now. I'm far more careful what I say, bite my lip if necessary and keep my critical observations to myself. For me, it was not too late to learn a lesson!
I hope that by half term the situation has eased and GD is staying with you.

I agree with the comments relating to how much we 'older people' have to walk on eggshells with our offspring. It's unbelievable! My daughter no longer talks to me because I bought my grand-daughter a coat!!!!!!!!!! (Long story!!!) Contact with the grandchildren is therefore reduced and it's heartbreaking. Surely we are entitled to an opinion - and yes, I know we have to 'be careful' HOW we say things, but honestly I can't get over how easily people 'take offence'!!!!

You claim your dil has never liked you ? travelsafar hasn't said that.

travelsafar
You are not alone as your situation is no doubt happening everywhere.Myself included.It has been 7 long years, for me, wondering where is my eldest child. Why did a small disagreement over the phone have to result in her stopping all communication with me.You claim your dil has never liked you ?So was she looking for an excuse to shut you off from your son and granddaughter which is sad as your grand daughter will be confused as to why she will not be visiting you or have you crossed swords before? Do you personally know they are getting in debt by going on holiday? We mums have our families welfare at heart but at times we have to hold back and let them live their lives as they wish. How ever for dil to take it out on your grand daughter is way out of order. A short letter to your son expressing your concerns that his wife should react in this way, yes do say sorry it has come to this, and can you start again.? No matter what we would like to say or do, on many occasions, have to hold back.

Sounds to me like the DiL has never really liked you and is using this as an excuse to cut you out of their lives as she has been so spiteful and your son is just weak. Stop relying on your family so much for your meaning to life, don't apologise or they will just walk all over you in the future and get straight to a solicitor and cut them out of your will in favour of any grandchildren unless they are teenagers and behaving likewise. If you can't comment about their finances then they can't say anything about your financial decisions either. I am sick and tired of suggestions that us grans should bow down to our children's disrespectful manner.

Anya, I agree with you. It's not too full on, just quick and easy.

It seems to me that either you hit a nerve or, maybe, you offered your opinion/judgement once too often. Either way, a period of quiet reflection being totally honest with yourself about how you might come across and/or whether you think they might have more problems than they are letting you know before a heart felt apology that you have upset them. If you DIL thinks you have never liked her, there must be something that makes her think that, even if it is just miscommunication. I have managed to give that impression to one of my DIL's in the past so I wrote to her all the reasons I did like her and apologised for anything I might have done to give her the opposite impression. We agreed to talk about problems in future so they could be addressed without festering.

I think writing is a good idea & apologising but not grovelling. I would suggest you say you did not mean what you said to sound like a criticism & it just came out badly.
I agree that you are probably doing them a big favour ( OK- I know you love doing it too) by having the children over half term if they are working so get in quickly before they make alternative arrangements.
By now they have probably calmed down but you are left feeling raw- I really do feel for you, I would be very upset too. We all say things that are taken badly at times it's just human nature. Say a brief but sincere sorry & put in down to experience & remember never to give an unasked for opinion again- I never do although sometimes I would like to. It's their life after all & we all learn by our mistakes.
Good luck & do let us know what happens please.

Hello Travelsofar, I went through a similar situation with my son and his now ex-partner. It felt as though someone had died. I had no idea how to go about a reconciliation until I read a book by a psychotherapist which said to let little drops of love fall every so often, as in a text or whatever to express love, and to ask for absolutely nothing from them, no request for contact etc and let time take care of it in letting heated feelings subside. Then when things have calmed down you could apologise, if you think that is necessary, and then ask explanations for the whys and wherefores to find out the root of the problem. Good luck with it, I wish you all the best. Much love.

Things I have posted previously have not come through hence the cake trial. Hurrah tidyskatemum I believe all of us live in fear of DL s and they’re power over us with the grandchildren over any misdemeanours. It’s the new generation and it’s called the secret epidemic. There are very good helpful books out there. One thing I was tol off for was buying my grandaughter of 3 a pink bubble gun which played music and bubbles came out when the trigger was pulled. Apparently I was encouraging her to get into guns. After years of walking on egg shells I moved. We have had no contact for 14 years. I have know many grandmothers in the same position and can honestly say they were not to blame. Good luck. I gave up being a doormat.

My MIL expressed an opinion on every part of our lives. DH used to bark at her and tell her to keep out of our affairs so there was no need for me to do it, then everyone carried on as before, MIL took it in her stride and so did we, but her opinion was never actively sought. My own mother would pick up her teacup and go into the other room if matters she considered private were being discussed taking the GC with her. My father would only venture an opinion if he was asked for it, prefacing his comments with "well of course you know your own business best, but as you've asked me...". and then not questioning the decision we made. Which is how I've played it with my children. Anya has the right idea, in my opinion, although, of course, "you know your own business best"!

Anya I think that makes perfect sense. I've long been the peacemaker between my brother and my mother, and if only she could have swallowed her pride and said something like you suggested, all would have been so much easier. Even though both of them thought they were in the right, my mother should have played the grown-up card. It's not grovelling, it's being wise.

I agree that Anya's suggestion sounds like the right way forward.

Dear Travelsafar,
So much wise advise is heading your way therefore I will send you a ((hug)) and just add don`t beat yourself up over this, be kind to yourself, time can be a wonderful healer.
Take care.

I am so sorry you are feeling like this but I know exactly how you are feeling. A similar thing happened with my DiL and she stormed out. I texted my son the next day to see how they were and he said she was feeling bad about it. I then texted her and told her I was sorry, although I was not sure what I had to be sorry about and told her I loved her etc. I got a long reply back explaining how she had felt to which I replied. Since then we are getting on okay but I am very careful about what I say and do and make an extra effort to fit in with them. Nobody likes bad feeling and the sooner you can resolve it the better. I really hope you can sort this out. It rather sounds as if you have touched a nerve there.

You know what? I think I'd send DiL some flowers. Give it some time. It will get better and you'll very likely be on terms again. And you will have learnt a valuable lesson... Try not to over think things. Many of us have had this sort of (over) reaction to an apparently (to us, anyway) innocuous remark.

I have such total sympathy it has happened to me a number of times over the years- often even when I have said nothing! Assumptions and perceptions are made, we all have our own intent which is good but the impacts seem to be different- its a well known phenomenon. For no reason at all this year I wasn't allowed! to see my grandchildren all summer.....and NOTHING had been said .....so it has taken me 12 years to realise that I must stop beating myself up and just be there for my son and grandchildren....but no not grovel. They seem to want to live their lives without having to take a long distance grandparent into account...and silences and control pave the way forward; seems to be their way of assuring that!! i know how sad you feel and you can send an apology note if you wish ...I too have done that, it depends on my DILs frame of mind at the time whether it works or not! good luck.

Sorry to hear about your plight Travelsafar. It sounds like you touched a raw nerve.

I think whether to comment depends on the personalities involved. I make no comments unless asked for my opinion to my older DS or his girlfriend (GF) because they'd be resentful and I don't want to go through what you are now going through. Totally different with my younger son. I recently criticised him about something and he said he appreciated that I was concerned and why I was concerned.

I don't want to appear rude or upset you further Travelsafar but IMHO, it is up to your DS and DIL how they spend their money. As long as they don't expect you to contribute or pay any of their other bills, it could be argued that it's none of your business.

I have seen a close friend cut off from her DS and GCs by her DIL because she had made a disapproving remark. In her case it was probably one of many. She has strong opinions and because she works in an advisory role, she carries it into her private life.

I like Anya's message and it's worth a try, but if Travelsafar has made similar remarks in the past, the message won't be convincing. My friend has sent DIL grovelling texts apologising etc to no avail.

Perhaps it will all blow over when OP's DIL runs out of people to babysit during half term week. I hope so anyway.

I never interfere in my AC's lives.They make their own decisions and whether or not I think its a good decision I keep quiet.Presumably they work for their money so what they spend it on is their choice.I had a friend many years ago who constantly moaned about things I bought ...I told her that once she started financing me..paying my bills she could have an opinion.Until then it was none of her business.She didn't like it but she grudgingly accepted it.The wisest thing is to tell your family you had no right to tell them what to do ..and try not to say it again