HOW YOU LIFE CAN CHANGE IN A MATTER OF HOURS

Expressing opinions can be a dangerous thing and you obviously hit a nerve there. I would be prepared to say sorry for any hurt feelings that had unintentionally been caused. Will they really carry out their half term threat? If they work it might cause them problems let alone the disappointment to a grandchild who expected to spend time with you.

I really feel for you. The same thing happened to me last October. My daughter-in-law has stopped me from seeing my grandchildren, because she took offence at something
I 'd said to her, which I can't go into here. This is her way of punishing me. My son is obviously siding with her, although he has brought the children over (only twice), since then. There seems no resolution to the situation and it is truly heartbreaking. I wish you luck.

Travelsofar....... just eat loads of apple pie. It might work -it might not. Good grief, people are so precious today. Surely it's not a crime to voice an opinion without OP getting all huffy and nasty.
Whatever you do do not send her flowers as someone has suggested.

Sorry to hear you are so troubled. I think the advice to wait a while before doing anything may be very sound, as long as you don't wait too long.

By this I mean wait till you can talk about it without crying,

I have an unruly tongue and have often found that it helps, not to grovel or make an insincere apology, but to apologise for unintentionally having stepped over the line or said something hurtful. After all, you were expressing concern, weren't you, but it unfortunately was taken as criticism or as you poking your nose in, which I am sure you did not mean to do.

I would not myself wait more than a few days before sending such an apology, because in my family the situation is very likely to harden if I leave things longer than that, but your family may be different, so you are the best judge of when the approach should be made.

Not knowing your family, I don't know whether you would be better to approach your DIL or your DS or whether anyone else in the family can help out or not. It is probably wisest not to involve other members of the family, as if you do, your DIL and DS can say you are going behind their backs and that will just make things worse.

I hope you can sort this out and that you all can agree that you perhaps did speak out of turn, but the reaction was a little misplaced as well.

maggiemay
Quote. dil has decided I have always disliked her. continually disliked ?or never liked ? your point being?

So sorry, thinking of you x

Perhaps send a little note or telephone to say you didn't mean it to come across the way that it did, but that you can now see it's none of your business & you won't be passing anymore comments about how they live their lives. But PLEASE don't Grovel,if they can't accept a civil apology then it speaks volumes about their attitude, they will probably need you sooner than you need them. Good luck

I am very sympathetic but if you've known her for eighteen years I'm sure it will blow over. Unfortunately the rules for our generation as MILs are open your pocket but close your mouth. Not really easy as we are are all thinking intelligent women with both experience and opinions but I am slowly learning . I think that just like being a mother is a learning curve, so is being both a grandmother and a mother in law. Sit back a bit and I'm sure it will settle down.

travelsofar

On the face of it, it seems rather extreme of your daughter in law and son to react so badly to your comments, even if it was perhaps a little unwise of you to voice them. I can understand, though, that you were concerned about their financial situation, which I think is quite natural.

If you can put your hand on your heart and say that you very rarely interfere in their lives, I would give it a little time and hope things sort themselves out.

However, if on reflection you find you are in the habit of giving unasked for opinions on matters that are not your business, perhaps you should consider apologising.

Anniel you may be correct but I think you are very lucky not to understand what the OP is going through. You clearly have not come across controlling DiLs as many of us on here have. What is DS supposed to do in this situation, he can't really choose his mum over his wife. Please try to understand how hard it is.

blossom14 - It is good to know I am not the only one. Now the GC are at school I feel as though I have been discarded , surplus to requirements. Last weeks incident was the straw that broke the camel's back so I too am backing away. I have to confess to being ashamed that the DDs are so selfish. It's not how they were brought up but I do feel they are typical of the 'Snowflake Generation'.

I feel out with my daughters awful partner in June, the whole summer was awful, l miss my two grandchildren very much, as the 8 year l have seen almost everyday of her life. I have tolerated him for 10 years l should have made my feeling clear 10 years ago. However l do not want to speak to him ever again l detest him , l am glad he is out of my life. BUT the 8 year and l have paid the price. I do see her but she is under his infulance and wants to keep the peace so will not engage with me to much. I have told my daughter this is abuse but she is another one who placades him. Awful man. I will sit my time out but for travelsofar maybe you feel you cant.

I think your DiL is making a mountain out of a molehill. This business of having to tread on eggshells with adult children seems overdone recently. We all have opinions and as family members we should be able to express them. I think your son should be having a word with his wife about this punishment meted out. fancy stopping your GD from spending time with you. Have they not considered her in this matter? I am known as the mouse which roared among my three children and we all express opinions and do not fall out. I certainly would not be apologising for such a remark. They should be apologising to you! i am so sorry for you.

Dear travelsafar, I think after a few days when you feel slightly better, you can send a little note of apology, that will help I am sure.
Sending hugs xx

Oh I am so sorry for you. Over 30 years ago my own mother accused us of hsrming our daughter ..our daughter represented the county at Judo and had many training sessions a week etc etc, so bruises were part of life(not loads of them though) ....I insisted we left the house(we were on holiday there) and drove straight home... not to talk for 6 weeks until my dad rang up and asked me to talk to my mum... we picked up from there ... so give yourself space and then make contact, perhaps pop round with flowers...hope this soon resolves itself. Hugs

Emelle How I agree with you My two daughters behave like that. In fact I would go as far as to say one of them tries to bully me if I do not fall in with her wishes. So I have backed away and feel we have a very superficial relationship now.

I also agree with Anya. Maybe a short text now and then contact them after a little time has passed.
You call it 'just an opinion'. They will call it a criticism which frankly it was. How forgiving they are will probably decide on how often you just give an opinion/criticise and whether that comment was a final straw.
Don't a lot of people borrow money for a holiday? Obviously we don't know the details and no one wants to see the people they care about over extend themselves but if they are only borrowing for a holiday, so what really.

I am guessing what was expressing a concern about them getting into debt for holidays has hit a very raw nerve with your DiL and this is why she reacted like this. Their finances might be more secure than you believe and see this as interference and being judged. It is quite natural to worry over adult children but you have to allow them to stand on their own two feet. The old saying " least said- soonest mended" used to be quite true, not sure it is in today's way of living. I also think your DiL has over-reacted in all of this and is being quite mean to get back at you. If you have generally had a good relationship with her give it a couple of days until the heat has gone out of the situation and then phone them and offer the olive branch.

Oh dear! So sorry for all the grief you're experiencing right now.

Obviously you hit a dissonant chord by mentioning their holiday debt (i.e. touching on their finances). You must now be the bigger person and apologize to them for that intrusion. Do allow for flared tempers to calm down however, keeping in mind that family squabbles have a way of festering unless they are nipped in a timely manner.

I also think the bigger problem here is that your DIL thinks you dislike her. There may be much more going on there than you realize.

I too have had issues with family members who I have inadvertently annoyed. The problem is they don't say anything and instead keep it inside.....but it's not fair for someone to stay mad at you and you can't even tell. (I hate when that happens)....but I digress. You know your DIL better than anyone here, and you may have to work harder on improving your relationship with her.

Pride is something we all hold dear, but putting it aside now and then, is a small price to pay in exchange for keeping our families together.

Hope everything works out, Travelsafar

As an estranged parent and grandparent. The longer it goes on the harder it is. I was shown how little they cared when my estrangement began, knew I was not going to apoligise for something I hadn't done. However, a year later I know I did the wrong thing. I need them, they don't need me, I am so unhappy not seeing my family, I should have made contact straight away, regardless of not doing anything. . Send that text, if you can smooth it now it will for the good. my son says now there's no going back, they are happy as they are.

It is so interesting reading all these comments. I find that my two DDs can do and say whatever they want to me and I have to accept it. If I respond in any way, I am always wrong. One passed a comment that really upset me only last week and was clearly affronted when I challenged her It does seem that in general we are expected to 'put up and shut up'.

It could just be a storm in a teacup and all settled by next week.

Good grief Quizqueen what a harsh way to deal with a situation you/we know so little about off to the solicitors cut them out the will,..... what are you thinking of ?
In your opinion it’s ‘off with their heads’ full stop

I also agree with Anya do it soon before it all grows into a much bigger 'thing'. Once it has become a 'thing' between you all it will be harder to deal with. You don't want to become one of the many Gns who are cut off from their GC permanently. DiLs have the power to take away your DS, your GC and your happiness.

Yes, def send a text or email to both, it does seem a total over reaction over one isolated incident. They should also be thinking about the grandchild losing contact with you. I know of so many people who always say they have no money, but will smoke, drink, have huge TV’s, expensive phones, and in this case, a holiday. This does seem to be the norm these days, instead of paying bills and getting straight financially. I personally would remind them just how much I care for them all and just explain that your comment was said purely out of concern not criticism. I am fortunate with my 2 DIL’s we can be very open and have very similar outlooks on life. I so hope your relationship with your son is strong enough to help this to all blow over ?