Giving comfort

DS2 (deceased) was a very tactile, hugger type chap! If he saw me in town when he was on lunch break from college, he would come hurtling across the square to hug me!

His brother, DS1, is a cold fish.

DH knows someone who strokes his arm and he loathes it! Neither of us like being hugged (except by each other or children or grandchildren!) even then DH doesn't hug our son, only the daughter!

Am a serial hugger?But only with close family and friends who reciprocate.
Any neighbour or acquaintance wouldn't want to be hugged would they?
I think you did the right thing overthe hill
Listening quietly and responding with sympathy is all that's needed.

listening and understanding is a great help. Some people don't want to be cuddled, they just want to know that some one is there for them.

Thank You for that excellent poem RAF - something I must learn to take on board. I, (and I'm sure many other Gransnetters) have such a deep seated need to 'help' that my mind is so busy trying to come up with a solution, panacea, sticking plaster - anything to instantly ease the other person's pain, to make them feel better, (probably so that I can feel better) - that I don't really Listen.

I know that when someone does this to me i.e. proffers instant facile solutions to problems I have mentioned, I feel disrespected, as if I didn't have the gumption to think of, try, reject these suggestions myself. Yet I still find myself doing it to others.

#musttryharder

After reading all your thoughts it seems on the whole listening is the point which comes out top. I can do empathy its the physical bit I struggle with, but maybe that isn't always appreciated anyway, so I won't worry about that in future.
One point though in the poem that was quoted 'I don't want advice ' and yes I understand that, but as the person witnessing the outburst you cannot actually just sit there dumb and not come up with something. Being polite you feel duty bound to say something even if in their eyes it is the wrong thing. It proves difficult for both parties not only the affected one.

Ah well, comfort is as comfort does. In the week after my husband died one friend took me shopping and another brought the Mamma Mia dvd and we ate Greek food and sang along. Not everybody's cup of tea but it comforted me. It said I was not alone and there were still good things in life. Exactly the message I needed.
Guess it helps if you know the person well!

That's lovely RAF x

I agree listening is the most important gift you can give an upset person. I'm a toucher myself but not really a hugger except with close family and a couple of friends. But I would instinctively touch or pat someone who's upset on the forearm and ask "you're obviously upset....can I help in any way or would you just like to talk?" I do think touching someone makes a connection and shows your willingness to be open to how they're feeling.....

A neighbour saw me weeding my garden and came round to tell me that her daughter had committed suicide the previous day. I had known the daughter better than her mother and was totally shocked. I am not a hugger but felt like giving my neighbour a huge cuddle. After hesitating, I put my hand on her shoulder and stood very close to her while I told her how sorry I was.

I still don't know if I did the right thing.

Thank you for that poem, RAF. It reflects all that I learnt on a counselling course many years ago. That has stood me in good stead in working with mature students and as an adviser with CAB, as well as in my personal life.

Not good at flinging my arms around people as I don't really like it myself. More importantly I am a good listener and will help wherever I can. Flinging arms around people doesn't solve a problem, but listening and doing can.

Comfort? I had a horrible life experience and found the hugs of people who wanted to comfort me revolting. I didn't want their intrusion into my grief or my person.

It is not a one size fits all response and not everyone can be supported in the same ways.

I often find that irreverance and humor can do just as well if you know the person quite well, I have comforted friends with 'well Fck them then' and big slices of cake and a ruthless and hysterical deconstruction of the other party who had upset them.

You have to know what you are dealing with of course. I don't want other people's pseudo counselling applied to me thanks, or their hugs, I'll take the tissues, a cup of tea and just some company anytime.

Its difficult to do tge right thing. A friend told me the worst thing when her DH died was people avoiding speaking to her some even crossing the road to avoid her. Another stopped going to church after church friends made what she saw as platitudes such as the Lord will comfort you. Others have made it known that they dont want their bereavement mentioned as they wont hold it together.

I liked the poem RAF.
I'm another non hugger although I am a good listener. I tend to be a bit stiff upper lipish, get-a-grip, not the the end of the worldish which is probably a product of my upbringing. I was packed off to boarding school in the days when you didn't get much comfort, so had a good old cry in the loo or in bed at night and then got on with it. However since being widowed and given to sudden fits of the miseries myself, I find I am becoming more sympathetic to others and able to help so long as a hug isn't required. I loathe being hugged myself

I am not a natural hugger and I don't really like being hugged myself. But most of my friends find me someone they like to talk to about problems. What I do have is genuine interest and a reasonable memory so they know I am following their stories and remembering what they have told me.

Completely agree that if you're 'rubbish' at this, your neighbour wouldn't have been talking to you. A listener is really the only comforter. Talking takes weight off the heart and can give a new perspective - without someone who just lets you say whatever you need to say, that can't happen. It does frequently feel awkward but all that matters is that you're there for someone.
Imho fake (or at least obnoxious) sympathy is one of the many diseases of our time - the sort that's more for the giver (to feel all smug cozy inside) than for the receiver, when it should be just the opposite. Your family and friends are probably very grateful that they can turn to you without having to worry about being pawed at, mauled about, instructed, and ending up in need of a sick bag!
Job's friends ... sod them for a lark, eh?
Marvelous poem, RAF, thank you for posting. Will copy and share with friends.

Listening is the best thing we can do for people in distress - which you did. Just sticking with someone while they cry, rather than trying to shut them up, can be really helpful.

I've experienced people trying to stop me crying when I've been distressed a number of times, it really doesn't help. In fact it has the opposite effect.

Sounds like you did everything you could have done.

If it is a close personal friend, or family, I'm definitely a hugger. I also find that just listening to someone helps a lot. Be empathic, and be practical. Having been in the situation where I've needed comforting (I have severe depression/bipolar) I've always found someone who listens helps the most.

I cannot hug or have others hug me (outside my children), it's the way I was dragged brought up. However after my husband died my neighbours left food in my porch when i was out and cards with the most heartfelt words... this i found so thoughtful and I was really touched in an untouched way If you see what I mean. I do listen though and certainly can empathise even though I don't hug... it's not a requirement in my mind.

Well, I find myself being a listening ear fairly frequently. And sometimes I find it appropriate to offer a hug and just sometimes these have been taken up and other times one this past week was thrust upon me.
Older people ( last weeks wasn't) have lost so many family and people close to them that they are actually grateful for a hug......

I'm not a good hugger. A friend once rang me so upset I couldn't make any sense of her so I said stop there, I'm coming round.
When I got there she hung onto me like her life depended on it.I didn't,object but felt awkward.I don't do hugs generally,others have to hug me first.
I tend to just sit and listen and do a lot of nodding.
If ever I get upset around anyone,( which Like many who have posted we keep upset to ourselves) I dislike being hugged.
My friends know what I'm like,and others don't expect hugs I find....

I was not brought up in a huggy family and find physical contact difficult, even with close family except for grandchildren.
I m in an unhappy marriage and if I talk to friends they try to give me solutions without understanding the problem.
I don't need advice I need a friend.
Great poem.

We are a huggy family with friends I listen then ask if they would like a hug with most of them I usually know who does hugs and who doesn't anyway . If your neighbour felt she could cry in front of you then you must be a good neighbour .

I actively try to discreetly manoeuvre myself out of the way if I sense a hug may be likely. I was loved as a child, but I can't remember being cuddled much. I think it was maybe frowned on a bit to be too touchy feely by my parents.