What do you think actually does make a marriage?

An equal partnership with love, respect and give and take. Having a shared interest helps but also time apart.

Loyalty - I don't think anyone has mentioned that, so important in my humble..

I absolutely agree with paddyann, you shouldn't marry anybody imagining you can change them.

I've seen quite a few people marry because they thought that their partners were sexy and attractive and that they could change the other things about them that they didn't like - this just doesn't happen and they are now divorced. If there are any things about somebody that you really don't like, then getting married is a big mistake. I suppose that this is where people go wrong when they marry for money? However rich you are you still have to live with your spouse, and like them.

I've also been married for 42 years and had many ups and downs but the main thing that we have in common is that we are each other's best friend (though we still differ in many ways and by no means always agree).

Now we're both retired and still happy in each other's company.

Still having the initial spark that drew us to each other many years ago. Not taking each other for granted ....doing things spontaneously and being supportive in each others ideas. Never going to bed on an argument.....all sulking etc. to be sorted out before it becomes a problem. Talking to each other and having a good sense of humour.

For me it's about space! It may just be me, but I need alone time. I appreciate him more if he does his thing and I do mine regularly.

One of the best things is companionship and humour. We do lots together and have shared interests and we laugh together lots. Being together is very nice, ironically, but then I need some time alone.

Trust is crucial. I have to trust him completely. I had to end my marriage many years ago because my husband couldn't be trusted and wasn't loyal to his family.

I cannot cope with people who are unpredictable in terms of moods and temper. I need someone consistently good humoured and well, for want of a better word, decent, even if we disagree. People who flare up and have violent tempers frighten me.

Acts of love matter too. The little things that show your partner cares help keep a relationship ticking over nicely. Touch matters to me, hugs and kisses and little displays of affection matter. Lust vanishes but affection and genuine caring for each other should replace that. It doesn't matter (imo) if you stop fancying your partner as long as you really like him, want him in your life and can't imagine being with anyone else.

Oh, and spare rooms. Lots of space

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This extract from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin by Louis de Bernieres is a popular reading choice for wedding ceremonies and DD2 read it at DD1s wedding.:

Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your root was so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. that is just being in love, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Those that truly love have roots that grow towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms have fallen from their branches, they find that they are one tree and not two.

Mojo not just men!

Penstemmon, thank you. My DD1 had that reading at her wedding.

Give and take, be there for each other, I love my husband as much now as I did when we married and I know he feels the same and that will be 50 years in November.

Give and take and a sense of humour.

That's it exactly penstemmon.

I loved my husband beyond measure and did all the things others have written. We had a really good marriage for nearly 34 years, then out of the blue I came home from work one lunchtime to be told 'you've been a good and loyal wife to me, but it's not enough'. He then left with a woman he knew in his late teens. That was nearly 11 years ago now. What a shock.so my message is enjoy each other's company and appreciate each day. I have many happy memories.

Aepgirl my hear goes out to you. some of the posts here have made me ache - non-one's fault, but it is hard on those who have been divorced through no choice of their own. I know I was a devoted and loving wife and I did all those things for H1 too - I am also conscious that some here have said they worked through their difficulties, including adultery and I am truly glad for them. Sadly ours were insurmountable because of his sexuality (the Gay Britannia series is proving very painful for me at the moment).

We have to remind ourselves that we have nothing to feel guilty / bad about when we do our best and it just isn't good enough because of their 'needs' / selfishness ...

Even though I am now very happily married to DH2, who incidentally was another walking wounded, it still stings that others are celebrating their 30ths / 35ths around me. Unlikely we will ever have that much time, but still, I am truly grateful for a marriage where the balance is now 'right' and I am loved to my toes. I know I have been very fortunate to find this after many, many years.

My DH and I were happily married for 36 years. We had ups and downs like anyone else, but basically we really loved each other and both worked hard to raise our four children.

We had our own restaurant so DH worked relentless hours and we didn't see much of each other as I was home raising the family until the youngest was 7. I then worked with DH in the restaurant for ten years. It is not always easy working with your spouse, but we survived it and hoped for a happy retirement together.

We were very lucky to have time to travel, become grandparents and make more happy memories before he died aged 69 two years ago.

Life goes on, but it is not and never will be the same without him. He was such a huge part of my life and I miss him every day. I don't want pity or sympathy though because I count myself so fortunate to have been loved by such a special man.

Aepgirl I'm sorry that happened to you - a shock indeed after all those years.

....enjoy heady moments of teen silliness amongst the more mundane days of companionship, routine and daily bustle

Penst that's what I would have hoped for in my 25-year marriage, and to be enjoying that now in older age, particularly as the children have grown and flown. We did have such times but they were far outweighed by the negative aspects.

Last month would have been our 40th wedding anniversary - I wasn't sad on the day but did reflect on what might have been.

A very interesting thread.

river & aepgirl I ralise that it is not always possible for relationships to mend or to be worth mending. I wish you both contentment for the future I am watching my own DD go through a very tough disintegration of her 17 yr relationship. I don't think her relationship is repairable but no outsider can ever really know.

An awful lot of this ???????????????????.

Azie09 I soooooo identify with your post. I definitely did not marry this man 47 years ago! Constant niggling, backbiting and passive aggressive in the extreme. On top of that hardly any physical relationship. Hubby has several ongoing health problems and I think I'm partly to blame for his current attitudes in that I pandered to his every whim so he didn't get stressed etc. The outcome has just made him selfish in the extreme and to some extent a bit of a bully, everything has to be done his way or he sulks for days. I've told him I think he's suffering from depression but (tactfully and more bluntly) but he won't even consider that so no hope at all.

I apologise if my last post was flippant, a bit too hasty!.
I have been very lucky to be married to an extremely kind and generous man for 47 years. Ups and downs, of course. Is there such a thing as a "perfect marriage"?. I don't think so.
We are opposites and something's this can cause friction but on the whole life is very good. I take each day as it comes and just hope for the best and that one of us doesn't get something nasty?. A good friend has just had some horrible things done to her in hospital so I just keep my fingers crossed!.
A lot of give and take and biting your lip at times when he's spent nearly all day watching the cricket/golf.

Reading all these lovely posts, I think I'm just too selfish to sustain a long marriage (1st lasted 5y, second 7y) - just can't 'grin and bear it' when OH drives me mad

We've been married 48 years this year. I don't know what the 'secret' is. We just sort of get on with it. There have been many of times over the years (mostly when we were younger and maybe thought there was greener grass out there) when both of have thought we'd had enough but somehow we are still here

Imperfect27 I was the same, married 9 years, two lovely children. Blissfully happy (so I thought) Then out of the blue he left to be with another man - devastated! He is still with the same person now all these years later.

Many years later I am with someone who is kind, laid back, thoughtful and 'young at hear' The best way to live with someone is follow the old saying..."treat someone as you would like others to treat you"! Not always easy.

How they can leave their children is what hurt most at the time NannyJan - but he has been with someone he met a year later for 16 years and they had a civil partnership and then married recently. I have been with my DH for 8 years all told. And how could we regret the beautiful children we have? But people who have remained happily married can often assume we gave up on something. I guess in a different time and different social climate - today for instance - he would never have felt he needed to hide anything and we would never have married.

It was the children I was most upset for Imperfect27 - even now my daughter (38) is estranged from him, not because he left or the reason why, but because he virtually ignored them for years until they were grown up! My son is more ambivalent about that. As you say, in these more enlightened times he would have never felt the need to marry and hide his sexuality. BUT, I never regret my two wonderful children and four lovely granddaughters.