Statements never likely to be said.

I'm not gonna eat that chocolate! ( to myself )

They delivered when they said they would ( though some are getting better )

Contractor: "I'm on time, can do the job quickly, easily and cheaply".

My husband saying "I've run the hoover round to save you the trouble my love" "Oo and Ive washed the dishes at the same time"!

Can I do the cleaning?
I would love to sort the washing and iron it for you!
You have the TV remote tonight, dear
Shall we watch something that isn't violent/sport related?

Monsieur Bernier (EU chief Brexit negotiator) telling PM Theresa May that as the UK has paid in billions of £s already, we can leave the EU with no divorce bill, and trade within the single market without having to accept mass immigration.

I've won the lottery.

Does anyone know when the next DFS sale is likely to be on?

This cake is full of protein and healthy nutrients, has hardly any sugar and isn't fattening.

These have made me laugh! Mine would be 'I'll cook/wash up tonight darling' or Let's go out for a meal tonight and I'll drive home so you can drink!'

Why don't you come for tea on Sunday mum?
(pathetic eh!)

Can't wait for Friday when I get my mammogram said no woman ever.

Grandma, here is the £1100 I borrowed from you over a year ago.

Notnecessarilywiser,
That's the best one so far. Lol

Don't start that ironing - I'll do it.

I have finished sorting out all the crap treasures in the loft

"The garage is tidy and I've got rid of all the things that might come in useful one day" and "Before I start this job I'll check to see if I already have the wood, screws, shelf brackets, tools, filler, sandpaper etc before buying more."

Brexit has been cancelled. The UK pension will rise by 20% for all from the age of 60 immediately.

This Blue Badge has been dealt with and will be issued immediately.
(After half an hour on the phone trying to track my mother's BB. She's 95 and filling the form in took ages- has there been any improvement in her condition? will it improve in the future? WTF do they think!)

Me to myself: 'There is no need to worry'

Put your feet up dear I will cook tonight. Would you like a glass of wine while your waiting.
Let's go out for dinner today somewhere in the country, nice pub meal and a walk afterwards.

I've been beaten to 'Congratulations, you've won £3,000,000 on the lotto, we understand you don't want publicity and we won't try to persuade you otherwise.

The sun will never shine again.

Darling, the tablets have worked and my headache has gone-interested?

'It has been announced that every single country and person in the world is at peace with each other. '