Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

It is actually surprisingly comfortable. I seem to sitting on something furry which is quite comfy. Did I read something about a resident rat? Ferret? Hamster? I think it may have broken my fall.

It's a bit difficult to tell now what it used to be is.

I thought the squeaking was coming from my outfit...

Ha! Oh that's got me laughing. Only problem is when I laugh, I need to pee. And I can't get off the floor...

What on earth is going on here! I go away for a bit of R and R with the Admiral ( hands off) and the cadets and the Caff is full of very strange " laydees".
Do they have a membership? If not how did they get past Big Jim and Fat Willy? Who signed them in?
Chewy and Meno did you entice the boys down to the cellar and leave the door unmanned again?

I have enough on my plate sorting the raisins and nuts on the bar. I don't know what has been left by Germoline and what is actually real food. They all look the same?

As for the scratchings, the ointment hasn't worked. I will have to ask my doctor friend to look a look?. You didn't know about him, did you?

Much as I would love to help you up, I don't think my outfit would allow it. But here's my handbag - it's made of vulcanised rubber so a quick wipe over with a bar towel and it's as good as new.

Sorry Mary the back door was ajar and I thought I'd slip in. A couple of burly plumbers literally had Chewy and Meno over a barrel so they didn't spot me.

I also owe you for some pork scratchings.

Thank goodness that's sorted. I'm a stickler for protocol and following procedures.
I shall have to "reprimand" ? Big Jim and Fat Willy, for deserting their post.

OH, and as for that pair of HUSSIES, I shall be having a very STRONG word in their ear.
I hope they have not contaminated the barrells. That is all we need.

PS, you don't know what is in those scratchings!

Ahem! When I was bending over that barrel, it was only to check if for the bung was in properly and it definitely was.
That latex suit looks a bit on the snug side DameJudy . Is it meant to make you walk like John Wayne?

Thank heaven's your back Anya, we've had the bailiffs knocking on the door this week. They said that if we didn't pay up, they'd take goods to the value of the debt. But they couldn't find anything to the value of £8.93. I was going to offer our services but they said that wouldn't cover it either.

Oh I wondered who the woman dressed in a rubber suit was Dame Judy I thought those whips you were carrying looked heavy, you must be way stronger than me.

I can bench press 4 cans of spaghetti hoops now lemon

Come to think of it Mary those scratchings did have a slightly fishy aftertaste...

Such a lot going on last night while I was down at the mud wrestling. MARYDOLL you should keep an eye on Big Jim and Fat Willy. They entered the 'ladies section' and won the trophy while you were out with the fleet and were last seen heading off with the winners of the FatLadies League. MENOPAWS will never get her back passage sorted out now.

Actually I tripped and fell over the barrel and the plumber was helping me up but he was a bit faint after inhaling my Channel no 4.5(primarks finest perfume) and passed out on top of me, and if you must know my back passage is fine.

Meno, so glad you are OK. I was worried for a while. By any chance to you have the plumber's phone number? The ADMIRAL has been seduced by Dame Judy. (Again!!!) That hussy has no shame.
I'm going to ask Anya to ban her.

As I always need something to worry about, I was wondering where Roses is. I miss her about the caff..

Chewy , BIG Jim is asking where you put his thermals after your SECRET assignation and worn out Fat Willy sends his best regards. He cannot send them himself, as he is lying down in a darkened room.

Don't blame me Mary the Admiral bought me one of your Rohipnol milkshakes again. The last thing I remember seeing was his expanding eel tattoo. After that it's all a bit of a blur to be honest.

Thermals Marydoll ? Erm.... well.... little Eglantine; Eustace; Ernesto and Dorothy hadn't got any cleaning bedding (don't think those pork pies of Menopaws agreed with them) so I borrowed the Admiral's thermal keks . Only temporary, of course, I'll give them a quick rinse and he'll never know the difference.
I noticed that that new barrel of Trouble Shooter Stout was leaking all over the cellar floor earlier. It seems rather sticky down there. Poor Ermintrude was stuck to the floor all night last night and was as drunk as a skunk by this morning. Is there a bung about that we could shove in it (the keg, not Ermintrude)? Seems a shame to waste good ale.

I'll have you know those pies were fresh out of the oven ...five days ago... and the plumber had one and oh actually I haven't seen him since

You could always use a pie as a bung

Is the plumber now bunged up??

Seems that I missed the mud wrestling night!

Actually I think his pipes are thoroughly cleaned through!

Oh well shit happens

Meno, I think that was what the problems was
Everyone seems to have gone AWOL.
We are going to have to think of some way to get the customers back, we need the dosh, after paying that huge fine.
It was so unfortunate that Chewy gave the hash brownies to the local CID, who accidentally came into the Caff looking for bacon butties and a cup of builder's.

I've had heartbreaking, terribly sad news folks. I'm sorry to have to tell you that Geronimo is dead. sound of harps playing. Yes, it was a tragedy and it happened like this......
The plumber who came to sort out the blockage in the outside lav asked if Gerald could run up the pipe and clear out the "solid matter". Graham, being the brave little soldier that he was, went up without hesitation. But there was a bigger blockage than his little furry head could cope with and, whatever that "blockage" was, it came loose and hit him on the head like a brick. The plumber said he'd never seen anything like it before. It was round and heavy; almost like a meat pie in appearance. Poor little Gideon. He is no more. But he died a hero, doing his duty to the Argy Bargy Bar. wish I could find the bugger who put a pie down the lav A state funeral will be held for Gordon tomorrow, all invited. A wake will be held for him, here in the bar, it seems only fitting.
Will anyone volunteer to do the food? Preferably no meat pies, please.

What a brainwave, Chewy. A wake is a great way to get the customers into the Caff. How much of an entrance fee will we charge?

PS. Sorry about Gwendoline

sob

We can't charge an entrance fee for poor little Giscard's funeral Marydoll! Can we? sob