Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Aaahhh! But the little furry ferrets just love the contents of your bag lemon! Quails eggs; smoked salmon; radicchio; cheese and oatcrackers - just the sort of food they enjoy and very kind of you to bring it in for them it was too. Horace, Hugo, Hesta and Dierdrie will love you forever! Tell you what, why don't you take one of them home with you, as a "forever friend"? They're almost house trained you might just want to check your bag to be sure

LEMONGROVE we all look like that. It's the exercise we get carrying crates around. If it's green hair it's probably MARYDOLL as she has been channelling her inner green lately (amongst other things) and we have had a bit of a problem with scratching lately (not of the pork variety) but the ointment seems to be working.

Marydoll was looking for her fur lined handcuffs lemon, are you sure they are not in your handbag? I've just found four of the buggers in the smokey bacon crisp box so you had better check again, this time with your glasses on

Hells Bells! You're right!?
I had a better go to Specsavers moment there.
I know that I promised to adopt two of our baby ferrets, but do you mind if I postpone that until they are fully house trained?New carpets, you see.....

Liase it wasn't our regular staff ( the green haired musclebound one behind the bar) which is why I asked.
Marydoll always has rollers in her hair, and Chewy wears faux fur outfits, and it wasn't yourself or Anya or Ana ? Perhaps it was you DameJudyClench ?

I won't be getting on the wrong side of you, that's for sure.

Be careful lemon, DameJudy is royalty, don't you know. She has henchmen and bodyguards and stuff to protect her. One of her bodyguards came in the other day, just to case the joint for security reasons. Marydoll took him down to the cellar to "show him the vaults " but we haven't seen him or her since. Maybe they're still doing a reccy of the place? or maybe he hasn't been able to extricate himself yet.

He may still be hand cuffed to the pipes down there, we should really check... later perhaps?
Right now it's time for my first snifter of the day, what to have? Errrr, a tankard of foaming Jack Daniels please.With a marachino cherry on it.

Ah! No maraschino cherries I'm afraid lemon. John, Jack, Joan and Simon ate the cherries on Thursday morning because I wouldn't let them have any more smoky bacon crisps (*Menopaws * was getting a bit nowty with them). But there's plenty of frozen lemon slices. I'll have a pint of dubonnet spritzer I think. feeling sophisticated tonight.

I don't think Anya's set foot in here since I unwittingly hijacked her new opening of the Argy Bargy...

Still, all the more mini-ferrets and pints of dubious beverages for us...!

And no, I have never had green hair, I don't think...

Not you behind the bar Ana or anybidy else, must have been a random stranger who wandered in ( it could well happen.)
Anya had things to do and bank loans to arrange for the bar, but she did leave us a large bucket of raspberry gin( and very nice it was too.)?

Hi folks. Sorry not to have been around but I've been sulking since Ana hijacked my new opening! However I'm pleased to see that the Olde Argy Bargy is as smelly, mucky and disreputable as ever.

Did I see a couple of new victims customers that have been lured in by the gin fumes, raucous laughter and new red light above the door. Very tasteful ?

Yes, I've been sorting out the finances and renewing the lease for another 99 years, so that should see you lot out ??

The woodworm company is due to send in two workmen tomorrow, so can I ask that you do not accost them. That includes you Chewbacca - you will NOT, I repeat NOT ask them to treat your wooden leg.

I've also managed to get a new plumber, he'll be here on Monday. He's come out of retirement especially and has a glass eye, no teeth and weighs about 6 stone fully dressed so he ought to be safe from you lot so treat him nicely laydees. I've sent a bunch of flowers and a Get Well Soon card to the original young man, and he's promised not to sue.

We were hoping for a well fit Polish plumber with lots of stamina, what a disappointment Anya
As for the other workmen, we promise to leave them alone, that woodworm stuff really honks! And it gets into their boilersuits ( unlike us.)

I have a plumber who is well fit but I'm keeping him to myself.
You can keep your 6 stone weakling.

Phew! Sounds like Bert will be OK. The two wormworners come as a couple so you'd be wasting your time ?

Why's Ana's hair that odd colour?

Is there a spare stool at the bar, regulars? I'm gagging for a vodka tonic.

I need a G&T too please.

The same for me, but hold the tonic.

me, me, me, me

Or is it me?

Sorry Lemongrove it wasn't me. I tend to opt for all things latex.

Speaking of which, can someone give me a leg up so I can get on the stool. This bloody gimp suit's a bit 'snug'

Also, apologies for the squeaking. It's new so I'm just breaking it in.

I could murder a pint of gin....

I'd help you up if I could DameJ, but I've already sunk one of these vodka tonics and I think the bartender forgot the tonic bit. Not sure I trust my legs and then we'd end up a heap on the floor. Hang on, yes, getting off the stool wasn't entirely successful. If you look down, that'll be me hanging on to the stool legs at your feet.

Nice stilletoes.

Thanks Lynda they're from Primark's Dominatrix range.

You look surprisingly comfortable on the floor. Anyone would think you make a habit of it.