New Mother in law

Talk to your family and agree how you want to approach this. Everyone is different about the amount of contact they want or need its not a reflection on you. I hate people dropping in unexpectedly. Things will settle into a comfortable pattern eventually. Let your son and daughter in law know they have your love and support and give them time to get used to their new life together.

I made a point of never "popping in". I knew they wouldn't like it. When they both work their leisure time is precious. They will soon start wanting you do things for them while they're at work e.g. Being there when tradesmen call, letting the dog out. It's very convenient when they live close.

We never had a conversation about it. Nor the other rule that they can pop in any time to us! And be treated as VIPs

I agree do check before popping in. I used to offer Sunday lunch occasionally or perhaps an evening meal, it depended who was working and where, this worked well when the grandchildren were small as well. You will soon find you are helping out, very early days at present. Make sure you take up any invitations from them as it will set the pattern for the years to come.

NEVER just pop in. Fatal. How about a casual 'fancy a coffee?' by text or a specific invitation to lunch/dinner at yours or commercial with diaries at the ready? Get this up and running soonish or life can soon drift into big gaps as being the norm. Invite them individually (son unnecessary?) or together but during conversations make it clear that either scenario is always completely welcome. Do make it clear in the nicest possible way that meeting up with them is something you really relish.

This is where I find texting invaluable. A quick "how are you " text let's them know you are thinking of them, they can reply in their own time. These can sometimes develop into "fancy a cuppa?" Etc .

If you live near a coffee shop, it makes life easier to meet up with her there. But the big deal is to build a relationship with her as an individual. If you can get to see her on her own, that's easier too. 'I've got a wedding/formal function /whatever coming up, could you find time just to go round the shops/go to London/Manc/wherever with me, just to give me an objective opinion on what's around. I'd really value your judgement'

My MIL (84) lives a couple of miles away and still drives, unlike me or DS. DH is housebound. MIL, DS and I meet up weekly at Tesco, where we all do our main weekly shop and have a coffee/breakfast. Then we meet again at week-ends. One week I go, one week DS goes to meet her in town, go to library, enjoy a couple of coffees, do a bit of a top-up shop then we go to our home where we spend the rest of the day watching TV/films etc. One week she cooks, the other we do. If she needs any help with technological matters or heavy lifting, we go to her house and sort it out. We are always available to help if a health issue arises and it is accepted that it will always remain roughly this way, and it suits us. She and DS have an occasional sleep-over and go to a Sunday antiques fair or similar.

A bit of 'give- and-take' I would say. If they both work full time then they will want the weekends to themselves. Invite them to Sunday lunch every now and then and see what happens. If you have a close relationship with your DS then you will want to retain that. DiLs can be very tricky

I have 4 DIL, 2 are like friends, we get on very well, I look after the DGS's lots, and have open access (within reason) to my new DGD, with the other. All these moments are treasured and never taken for granted. The other 2 think I am a dreadful MIL, my husband and I have had no access to DGD for nearly 2 years DIL openly trashes and runs me down to mutual friends, and has turned the other one against us also. No idea how this has happened she has accused me of saying things, which I have not and have pointed this out to her. I have come to the conclusion that you cannot expect to be liked by all, even if they are part of your family!!! It does hurt but I / we have come to live with it and take joy from the family that we see. We only have one life and must live it to the best of our ability.

I agree with the rest of the posts I always ring first just in case they have plans and do try not to criticise the new wife even if you don't like the way she roasts the potatoes. It's not easy specially when the grandchildren come along she will naturally migrate to to her mother but that's the way it goes ?

My son and family live a couple of hours away. They haven't got room for us to stay with them, so they come here for the odd weekend and my DiL sends me photos and texts about what they're up to. They're all busy, so I don't want to pester.

Chris 419 Worse things happening in the world than this.
Let them enjoy their new life but inform your son both he and wife are welcome anytime then leave it up to the newlyweds. If DIL spends more time with her mum don't assume she has a preference but after all it is not your child any more than your son is his MIl's child .

Be the MiL you always wanted .

Be supportive without being intrusive.

Wait to be invited but its ok to ask to be invited.

Remember your DiL should come first for your son and don't be hurt or offended. You'll always be his Mum.

Offer to help with the DGC when they have some but don't be offended if that help is declined.

Ask what your Son and DiL would like from you and be honest about what you would like in return.

Remember your DiL chose your son , she didn't choose his family too so there will be a time where you find your common ground. You're all one extended family now.

Apologise if you inadvertently offend, but expect the same in return. This is not a dictatorship its a democracy

Be a good communicator.

Best of luck . I hope you achieve that happy medium.

It can be hell just being a MIL new of old.

No danger of my 'popping in' since I live three train-rides away from both families. However, Dils both stayed with me before they got jobs close to where DSs had theirs and I got on very well with both. Of course once they become mums themselves the in-law relationship can change and it's important to keep advice to oneself unless asked for - something my Mum never learned!

I was a tad worried when DS and DDiL married as DS and I are very, very close, due to his dad's work shift patterns as he was growing up.
Although he'd been away at Uni, then worked away for a couple of years I still liked contact with him every day, even if only by a quick text!
He was the same, we used to 'touch base' with each other at some point every day.
I forced myself to contact him less, and gradually got used to it.
Now, however, I look after DGS three days a week, so DS and I actually see a lot more of each other than we did for the first two years of their marriage as he collects 'small person' from me in the evenings!
We occasionally ring or text at weekends, asking if anyone fancies coffee and cake, but we like to leave them their weekends to be 'a family', as they're both so busy during the week.
We're lucky of course, as they're buying a house in the next road to us, so dropping in at short notice isn't a problem for any of us.
They're always willing to accept home made cakes, or lasagne/cottage pie/beef casserole etc, home made and packed in foil for the freezer though!
They're having a raspberry trifle after their dinner this evening, or we'll be having double portions!

Everything that NanaandGrampy said plus this thought:

Our son just married and I said the same to his wife, as I did to our SIL many moons ago. "If I ever overstep the mark, please tell me. I would ever deliberately interfere or cause hurt."

Presumably you have known her for awhile and built a good relationship already? That hasn't changed just because she now has the wife label.

We live close to both our son and daughter. They know we have always run an open house and they can call in whenever, but they usually call first. We NEVER drop in on them unannounced; that was a basic ground rule agreed before we moved to be closer to D,SIL and GC. Son and then partner chose to move closer a year ago.

Maybe I'm just fortunate, but I have yet to find the MIL role to be difficult. I swore I would not repeat the mistakes I perceived my own MIL to have made! Good luck!

Never pop in! They might b having a intjmate moment or two! I was horrified when a friend just 'popped in' to her daughter's using a key! Not even knocking!

Both my SiL and DiL are super- I'm so lucky.

I don't pop in anywhere. Surely it's good manners to send a quick text or pick up the phone. My MiL was the best and I try to be that to my DiL. She once told me that the girls in work were all slagging off their MiLs but she couldn't join in!! However my exSiL (under the thumb of his own mother) blames me for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life, so I obviously don't always get it right!

Be the mil you have always wanted. Give them their privacy and time alone. As said in other posts meet for coffee, at a coffee shop if possible and don't give advice unless asked for. I see families with gc at our local coffee shop on a Sunday and think it's a lovely relaxed way to meet.

Don't criticise, if they have children don't say in my day

Remember - your son is under new management !

Never put him in a situation where he has to choose between his new wife and you - however much he looks after you, his primary allegiance must be to her.

Some women have an amazing sixth sense about when to ask if they may help their daughter-in-law - typically in the kitchen - and when to step away
.

Just take your lead from your DIL. If she wants you to pop in she will tell you. Invite them for meals occasionally, have coffee or a drink, but always remember they are a unit now. And think she loves your son (so she has good taste) and your son loves her (so she must have some good points). There used to be a recipe about "How to raise children". This is How to make a good MIL.
Take 1 young man and add girl, mix well together.
Take 1 mum and add a little. Mix well and set away somewhere warm.
Leave alone
Later add a little more mum. Mix again. Leave alone.
Continue adding mum occasionally until perfectly smooth and settled. If the mixture separates do not add any more mum, leave and wait.
A baby may be added to the mixture later.