A phone app has changed her husband.

Well, we met today, and I am glad to say I didn't need the tissues!!

She seemed to have some fire in her belly, which I thought was a good sign. She is determined to retain all she has, and in fairness, she has fully contributed to their lovely home and at times earned more than her husband. They've been together over 40 years. She has a decent pension I gather, so her first concern isn't money.

She says why should her lovely life, with friends, family, good social outlets etc be snatched from her because of his obsession with his online pictures. She said she was seeing him as pathetic, and had lost her respect for him. However, she said she is going to confront him . (She has sought advice from her sister and other friends who've suggested she does.)

She doesn't however want her children to know what a 'silly arse' (her words) their father has been , is being. They don't need to know, she says.

What she is going to do is hold her ground, and I am cheering her on. She says he is her best friend, always has been and even though they don't have a sex life any more ( I got the feeling he might have the problem, one of a medical nature) she thinks leaving him would be cutting off her nose to spite her face.

She is going to lay down the law and tell him his obsession ends. Mind you, she said who knows what any man gets up to now we have the internet. I agree. It may be true that most men have a need for visual simulation and they aren't going to do it openly, in front of their partners - well, not unless they have a very open relationship and share a love for online titillation together.

They are not joined at the hip. She has lots of friends and activities she enjoys alone so she said she thinks she can carry on. I must admit, I don't blame her. I am outraged for her that he has been such a fool, and so disrespectful, but she did defend him today saying her cooks, does housework, DIY, the garden etc, and is generally good company and kind. He is also a good father and grandfather, and she doesn't want the family to scorn him. I thought that was good of her. (She is a lovely lady, very thoughtful and kind and always has been.) I've known him a long time and he does seem a nice chap.

I am glad she is not throwing it all away, and it was good to see her feeling so much stronger. The air was blue at one point, and I had to laugh. It's a side of her I don't often see. Her anger was good, not misplaced, but she'd had time to think and refused to be a victim. I think she'll be calling the tune and the rest is up to him. She said she definitely was not packing her bags!

I agree she needs wisdom in this esp about financial matters. "Prepare for the worst and hope for the best" I think.

It's understandable she doesn't want her life as she believed it was, to end
It has

You say they haven't had sex for years, which indicates it was in trouble long before the phone habit took over 2 years ago, perhaps he has got used to using his phone for a form of intimacy which he isn't getting from his wife, in which case you could say at least he hasn't gone and done it for real

This looking at pics is a smokescreen for a troubled relationship and if she really wants to hang on to her husband 'for the comfy life they have built up' (not for love, you note) she needs to look at their life together much closer and see why there has been no intimacy for years that to me would be the key

Even if she is not ready for confrontation or any other action, just yet, it would be a good idea to check out her financial situation, just in case, and to safeguard any money that is hers.

It's understandable she doesn't want her life, as she believed it was, to end. She needs to think about whether she can really be happy continuing, now that this is happening.

It sounds like she still needs time to come to terms with the whole thing.

Well said Esspee, I was just going to say the same. These viewings cost money, that's how the girls make a living from it, so yes, your friend does need to check that she's not going to be left broke because of it.

Leave, some have suggested. But why should she? I'm with Esspee on this one, pack his bags and let him be the one to have to go. Then he might wake up and smell what he'll be missing.

Act first, talk about it later.

She needs to see about her financial situation before confronting him. He may have been spending money on his obsession and it may be out of control. Firstly check this then in case confrontation might lead to the end of the marriage she should ensure that she has money. She should open a bank account and transfer half their capital into her name. If there are accounts she cannot withdraw from then just total everything and take what she is entitled to from any account. It can be sorted out legally later. She needs to ensure she is not left penniless. She should not leave the family home but pack his bags, put them outside and change the locks. She is going to have to be strong and will need a good friend to lean on. Best wishes.

I feel as most of you do - that what he is doing is disrespectful, humiliating and a form of betrayal. The lies about his phone conduct and his doing it beside her, while shielding his screen is the pits!

I spoke to her this morning and she suggested lunch out on Wednesday so I'll chat to her about it then. Today she said she is becoming more and more distant. She takes off her wedding ring when she is cleaning or working in the garden. She says she has deliberately stopped putting it back on again as the bond between them is broken.

I feel so sad for her. I asked her if she was going to confront him and she said that years ago he used to collect Hollywood stills of film stars of the '30s '40s and'50s, females, in their glamourous attire, and that seemed like a 'respectable' hobby, a collector's obsession. He has hundreds of them and claimed it was a golden age. She supported him even though he spent a fortune collecting these photos.

Now she says online gratification seems to have taken over but in every spare minute he is on his phone, guarding its screen, holding it close when she enters the room. She says he does the same on his desk top computer too and immediately closes down the screen if she enters the study. I said I'd probably confront him, not being able to bear the deceit. She says if she did that it would be over. She said "once a cheat, always a cheat" and feels that although it's not physical, if he is doing it in his head, imagination, and has to lie and hide his actions, it's as good as being unfaithful.

I'd not looked at it like that. She says if she calls him out over this she loses the bond they had (even though it's gone) but also their home life together, their family times, their friends groups, much of their social life, their shared activities. She loses the life she has and she is sad and scared as well as belittled.

I told her she is living a lie then, if she carries on with it and she said it's that, learning to live with it, or making a clean break. She says they are both in their sixties and wonders how she'd start again, giving up all they'd built together - a very comfortable home/existence.

I feel really sorry for her. She is so upset and unhappy, but my feeling is she can be happy again if she confronts him. Why would you live a lie with a man you've lost all respect for? I am not sure if she'll regain any respect for him though. I am bringing the tissues with me on Wednesday.

In my experience there's a reasonable likelihood that he'll seek more and more graphic porn to get his kicks, just like my husband. I totally empathise with your friend and her reaction; it's virtually destroyed our 40 year marriage.

It would be very sad to end this long marriage with all that entails for the family without sitting down, as OP said, at a good moment eg early on in the day saying "we need to talk" and just tell him what she's told you. That she knows what he's doing and it-and the secrecy-are upsetting her.
I would also explain that this is not victimless-these women are victims albeit perhaps through choice for whatever reason.
Depending on his reaction, give him time to think. Then, if it continues, to stand in front of him when he's doing it and ask if that's his choice?
Also, I understand addicts need something to fill the void when the addiction is stopped so keep life busy for a while with joint outings, projects etc.
I would not give up easily on such a long marriage.

My first reaction was to do the same and get an App with fit men, but is that really going to solve anything? His behaviour now is making her question so many emotions and vulnerabilities. She feels inadequate now and that's not fair after so many happy years. I would try to talk to him about how it's making you feel and say it's demeaning. I don't envy you the discussion but thus can't go on.

Yes, definitely let him know, you know...make light of it....ridicule it...embarrass him out of it ... all in a good way! He may go "underground" however but at least he will be fully aware that what he is doing is disrespectful to you. I did this with my husband, when he constantly came home from the pub after a lunchtime drink with his friends...I didn't mind him having a drink, but could always tell when he went one over the top. I started to video him on my phone to show him how stupid he looked and the stupid things he would do! Took a while but it worked. He still goes for a drink...no problem...he comes back sober! My friend has done the same with her other half and it works for her as well.

There will be many different views on this situation and it's difficult to advise your friend as you might not know the full extent of this situation, unless this is actually you, op.

I don't think it has to be an all or nothing choice - he has to stop immediately or she leaves. That seems a bit drastic.

Might she be able to choose a time to discuss the situation further with him and explain the impact it is having on their relationship? Is he lying about other things? Is this the only thing that is 'wrong' in the relationship?

All you can do is to support your friend whilst she works through he feelings about this.

The women in the pictures are not nothing. They are real live women, and believe me they are not doing it because they want to be nice to this man. They do it for money, and as has been said it probably links to sites where they can be contacted for prostitution, or at least for online pay-per-minute porn {which he's probably doing while behind a locked door). The idea of hundreds of ADULT men rating these pictures on some sniggering criteria as a way of communicating among themselves, is beyond sad. And the idea of lying in bed alongside man doing this, feeling lonely and having to pretend to read a book, is unspeakable. It's not harmless, either to the women on the phone, or to the real live woman that he is deliberately humiliating. He knows exactly what he's doing.

If he's in fact ill., treat this as an early warning and get some tests done so they can plan for the next stage.

petra
but also

They are a different species.

I dont feel its constant spying to be kept awake by the light of his phone. And as for men getting sexual stimulation from looking at such things, I think that is what the posters friend has taken exception to, as its constant and inappropriate.

I'm never shocked or surprised ( well sometimes) where men and their willies are concerned.

There must be something lacking in the marrage, however what he is doing is not illegal. Constant spying on him does not seem a good idea. Men get sexual stimulation from looking at such things.

I agree with Moxeyns. Relate will have the experience to help and will know possible methods of responding to this situation.

Like Ethelwulf I reckon the main priority is to for your friend to seek advice on this change in behaviour. It sounds so obsessional and apparently uncharacteristic. There could well be an underlying medical problem, whether depression or dementia or something else. The fact your friend can't talk or joke about it or raise the issue at all makes me wonder whether she might be frightened of discovering something serious, rather simply upset, confused and embarrassed.

I had something similar in my marriage. It is absolutely devastating because I felt that I was living with someone I didn't know, after 33 years. He lied, he stole lots of money for it, etc., etc. When I confronted him with it he denied it but when I showed him the evidence and asked him to get help for his addiction he refused and chose to carry on. We separated after 33 years of marriage 19 years ago. I must admit I have not regretted it one bit but just thought I would tell you that for your friend.

I discussed this with my husband. His reaction is the same as mine. She felt like packing her bags and leaving? Fine. Do it.

The way this man is behaving is a damned insult. First to his wife of all those years, next to the whole of the female population. We have struggled these many years not to be sex objects, to be regarded just as sexy bodies and nothing more, no personality, no brains.

This would have to come out into the open. I could not live as this lady is living.

Does your friend know how much this is costing him? It's not 'Freeview'

I feel for your DF, very much. This sort of thing is becoming more common. You only have to look on some of the online forums available, to see how destructive the internet can be to relationships. I think your DF's DH has been unfaithful to her. He's unbelievably arrogant and insensitive. I hope that she finds the strength to resolve things. Certainly having you as her supportive friend will help her through these very tough times.

Sorry it upsets you .....if you ignore him he may give it up as it is not having the desired effect of making you ask him why ? ...sometimes people do things deliberately to provoke a reaction ...especially as he does it in front of you ...if it were any other motive (gratification, seeking women elsewhere etc) then he would try to keep it away from you, but he is doing his viewing openly (albeit behind the phone cover !) which seems deliberate. You can ignore it, comment on it, laugh about it or look at fit young men .......preferably in large screen on your laptop in bed ..or glossy mags (I suppose they have then now with men in them !) .....and see what his reaction is !

Time to get upset or worried is when he takes these activities outside the home and in secret with ensuing lies and odd behaviour (after shave excessively, staying out late, the old one ...lipstick on the collar .....odd telephone numbers appearing in places (his phone if you can get hold of it ! ....and then you can delete the women sites as well ....try putting a different App in their place ....cats for instance ! that'll throw him !)

Good luck !

As mentioned my OH doesn't seem to be able to stop himself clocking other women. I tried making comments about other men and he says there are thousands of people better looking than him and that he trusts me!