How would you feel if the man in your life was totally fixated by looking at photos of women?
An old friend is at her wit's end. We spoke about her husband's behaviour over a year ago. She said she noticed he'd been using his phone much more. If she came into the room he'd flinch, close down his phone immediately and carry on as if nothing was wrong. However, my friend says she has caught him in the act. He has some sort of app on his phone that gives him pictures of women in saucy poses, in various states of undress, but mainly showing lots of cleavage. It's not porn but it's very suggestive. She says she has often looked over his shoulder from outside the room, when he was unaware she was there. She has also feigned sleep and lolls over to his side of the bed to glimpse his phone.
She says she knows his movements now as he does it so often. The screen is brightly lit, he is scrolling down, has a voting system for them, so checks boxes and zooms in and out of the pictures. He holds his phone close to his chest and uses the flap of the cover to keep it all out of view.
If she asks what he's checking, he says Facebook or Whatsapp messages and she knows he is lying to her. What breaks her heart is that she says he lies in bed next to her checking his phone while she is reading. He has a cover on his phone and uses the cover as a shield to hide the screen.
She says this has been going on for about two years, and he doesn't even look guilty any longer if she interrupts him in the middle of his fun. He is on his phone for hours when she leaves him alone. She checks in, discreetly and he isn't even aware she is peeking around the door, he is so engrossed.
Looking at women has become an obsession. She asked me if she should confront him about what has become a daily habit. Every time he sits down, if he is not watching TV he is on his phone. She knows from the bright glare and his hand movements that he is liking photos and enlarging them.
I said I'd have been very angry and would have read him the riot act. She was close to tears and says she feels he is disrespecting her. The longer it goes on, the less close to him she feels. She thinks if she does confront him she'll cry, because she feels so hurt and betrayed and she will pack her bags and leave him, or at least tell him their life together is over. She says they haven't had an intimate relationship for years, they are both in their 60s, but they've always had a loving, close one.
She says part of her should turn a blind eye to it because he isn't really unfaithful. She thinks she will lose so much if she calls it a day. They have a lovely home together, a nice family and joint friends.
My feeling is that I'd be outraged if my partner carried on in this way and I'd either end it or demand he ends his relationship with the app which allows him to access other women 24/7. She says he was using it all the time when they were on holiday and she felt so alone and found herself not being able to talk to him properly. She lost enthusiasm for all the usual sightseeing, evening drinks, socialising.
She is suffering. I said she shouldn't suffer in silence but she is very torn about where she stands and whether she wants to be with him any more. She is also worried about breaking up a happy home and losing everything they've had together.
Confronting him has to be the only solution I said, but for some reason she is reluctant to do so. Any thoughts?
