Should I stay

Good post Lucky girl

Maybe put a positive spin on all this?

People do not have to share their interests in order to get on. I sometimes look at friends who are out and about together and think "That must be nice." But it is not the norm in my experience. I have many friends who make their own social life independently from their partners, who just want a restful time.

It is a reasonable life choice - not mine, but not an indictable offence!

At least it does not tie you down - you can develop your interests without someone wanting you to do things with them all the time.

My retirement is not as I might have wished - OH has PD and he needs help and his life is curtailed in many ways. But we cannot always have the dream scenario and we get on with the hand we have been dealt. WE share an interest in music, but otherwise he has his won interests and I have mine. He sees retirement as a chance to rest; I see it as a chance to do all the things I want to do until my caring role becomes all-consuming.

You need to write down a cost-benefit analysis - advantages for staying on one side of the paper/disadvantages on the other.

Hi Thank you for all your replys they are helpful some replys a bit hard but most useful . He is set in his ways even his sister says it . Trouble is I know he will never change he is like his brother but difference is his brother takes more notice of his wife . In the end I'll go I think so that maybe he can find someone to share his interests . I love the coast he loves the countryside . I love dancing he likes staying in and so on and so on I don't want to be like my mum being lonely the difference is mum had a sister and me , and I have no one but heyho ill get by thanks once again xx

So many responses to this OP - just goes to show how many of us must identify with it to one degree or another. OP asks 'Should I stay?' I think if you are asking this of total strangers then you would be doing yourself a huge favour to seek some counselling (on your own) - to help you find yourself and to find your own answers - only you can answer this question but it has to be based on a true evaluation of your situation and what you want. Many men, in my experience, do not plan for retirement; it is a huge life change which impacts on you both and needs planning. The best advice my DH was given on retirement was to always have something to get up for on a Monday morning - for him it's golf (& some other days too, but that's fine). If you no longer love him then you need to take action - if you cannot face the thought of caring for him in his old age, then you need to act now to give you both a chance of a new life. Counselling will help you decide what you need to do. It is a safe space to explore what matters to you - I would recommend it to everyone in doubt of which way to turn - unfortunately it is not widely available on the NHS but there are plenty of private counsellors out there and websites to find one that suits you. Good luck.

Don't rely on someone else for your own happiness. Go out and find your own while you can or you could be in the same position in 10 years time.
To solve the problem of the TV just go and buy the biggest, brashest TV you can afford and get it installed on a wall in another room.

I have a group of'my friends' that I socialise with without DH.
My DH would fall into a pattern of TV watching if I "*allowed*" him too !! He loves Dad's Army repeats!!
He does still work p/t but other than football (attending as many home & away matches as poss), reading & doing an online quiz he has little else for himself. We do have a busy shared life and I also make sure our shared social diary has 3 or 4 things each week that we do together..even if it is just lunch out at the pub! Give putting things in the diary for you both to do a go for a month or two. Sometimes it is just habit that makes some people live the lives they do!

Meg - I think many women are in your situation. Luckily, not so many are in Bee's sad situation. I think Betty needs to decide whether her situation is nearer Meg's or Bee's. It sounds like Meg's but we are all different in what we feel we can live with, much as when someone has an affair, some people can live with it and others can't.

Good post Meg

As others have said in their posts...seems to be more to this than him hogging the television etc..My husband tends do the same thing but I have my own television when I need to watch something and my own life...I wouldn't consider leaving him because of it!

bml, there are far more of us out there than we imagine. How did this lively young woman (me), who carved out a career against all the odds, find herself spending the last years of her life with a terminal bore? I posted another thread on this, and was told I was being unreasonable. They said my (poor misunderstood) husband was depressed, or even worse, had dementia. He is not depressed, he is just a bore, and so far no real signs of dementia. I know what they are.

Keep going for yourself.

Meg

Madmeg you are telling my story, seems like the are a lot of us the same

Bettyboo, I have not read all the posts, but here is my take, for what it is worth. I know what you are experiencing, cos I am in the same boat. However, I have been married to my fella for 45 years. When I think back, we have never shared much at all, other than the upbringing of two children, which we did in surprising harmony. But they left the next 15 years ago, and it is very empty.

Like you, we share little. He likes Sci-Fi, I don't. He isn't very sociable, I love company. He is a couch potato, I like to be out and about. He likes an easy life, I like a challenge. We are poles apart, and I almost dread the rest of my life.

But what should we do about it? Our men aren't going to change now, much as we think they should - and indeed, if they were astute men, they would agree, cos if they don't they are in danger of losing their interesting partners. I too have thought about leaving. But I'm not sure I need to. I have developed interests of my own, am treasurer of our local U3A, I got involved with politics, I am a volunteer at a local charity shop. We have separate bedrooms cos I snore (and he doesn't?????) and that suits me, though not what I had planned for my later years. We have two tvs, but most evenings I am on the computer researching my family history as well as chatting with friends and family on Facebook.

It is not at all ideal, and I envy those who share retirement with their partners, but it ain't going to happen for me.

If I leave, I lose my lovely house and garden, I downsize to a bedsit or similar, I will have no=one to change a lightbulb or cut the trees. I don't have a raft of close friends, so I could be quite lonely, even though he is no company, he is at least there.

I would say stick with it, and do your own thing.

I know what it's like re holidays, it is all my doing, and it's like he just tags along. But what is the alternative? Go alone? Very lonely indeed.

I'm not telling you to stay with him, if that seems unbearable, but perhaps with some additions to your own life you can accept that the relationship will never be what you hoped for, and make you own way forward, for yourself.

Meg

Do you really know he's happier if you're not there? Sometimes we all have assumptions. Have you asked him this and might a conversation about this aspect be needed now?

I am so sorry you feel this way. I'm no expert, but I do know that I would be asking these questions of him and saying how I really feel.

I find it incredible that some one would want to leave their husband because he watches a lot of tv.

There's a whole world out there ...surely you could find something else while he watches tv......and also maybe include him in what you might like to do .

HeyHo HaHa . Bettyboo-Take note

Do you have friends abroad or even in U.K. Where you could visit? A different outlook away from the norm might open your eyes to what's out there. U deserve better good luck

DdBettyboo, you need to ask yourself how would my life change if I left, and not just to programmes. Can these changes happen while I am with him. You are young with no ties except a husband with no shared interests. If it was me, well I would go for, get out in the big wide world

Thank you

Hey Ho , mine used to hang on to the control box so no one else could change the channel he was watching - mine you he was a nasty man anyway and as he could not drive, there was one day when he asked to be taken to the nearest town ( 8 miles away) and collected later.

I did not collect him - no buses and by the time he had walked the 8 miles I had left him

After that I did not have a TV. Lots to do out there in the real world and good luck with it xx

Bluebele you Sa exactly what I was going to say! Good advice. bettyboo do you love him? Does he love you? Is anything you have worth staying for? If it is, decide how you can improve things for yourself within what you have. If not, get advice (legal) so that you can make informed decisions and help you to deal with the understandable fear

Good post Bluebelle

Although the advice to develop new hobbies , go away on holiday with others, buy a second tv. etc etc are all good advice I can't help feeling they are sticking plasters You have actually blocked every suggestion so far offered ....he's not depressed, you know he won't join any groups or clubs, you know he'd get the hump if you joined a group, you've left before but come back .....
What are you asking of readers apart from confirmation to leave ?

Only you know if the good bits outweigh the bad and you haven't mentioned ANY good bits ..... you haven't once mentioned the word love
You want to leave don't you? And you want us to tell you to do it but there's a scariness about making that big move and my guess is in ten years you ll still be thinking about it and still be in exactly the same position
Only you can change this situation by weighing up if you want a different, albeit scary new life or stay as you are and keep having a good old moan about it
I know you will think I m been unfair and hard but I think from the little bit you have told us that the only conclusion is you want confirmation that this man who is basically enjoying himself without you is bad enough to leave

Developing your own interests advice excellent. Also recommend going away on holiday with a woman friend. You get companionship and a change of scene - he gets to learn not to take your presence for granted 24/7.

Think if it is only tv that is the main bugbear a lot of people would consider your lucky,me included. Is there not a club you could join or join together? If he is that interested in the tv then sort out the viewing so you both get to see and do what you like but don't give up on your marriage because of it.
Mine turned bad on my wedding day,that was when I got my first thump,accident of course and wasn't meant but then again none of the others were either,people say you should walk out,not easy when you have children,no where to go and no money.
Children now mostly grown up and the time you think maybe you can start your own life only to find out he has dementia that is rapidly getting worse,can walk out on him like that even though I keep being muddled up for an ex girlfriend.
Please consider that maybe buying a new tv isn't a bad answer considering things that a lot of people go through,not saying yours is any less worse just that there may be an easy solution to it. Good luck

bettyboo22, you say it's more than TV, decide how long you want to live as now or LTB.