Should I stay

Was there something about you Dad that you loved, perhaps that's why you married someone like him?
Personally I can't stand sports yet my sisters love it so we when we go out of town they rule the TV which is irritating. So I know how you feel but I don't live with my sisters.

Leaving is hard I know I left my husband back in 1995 and never remarried. My single life rocks compared to my former married life. If you are feeling trapped in the relationship like you have no where to go and you don't think you can support yourself on your own it makes things super difficult.

I had to leave my husband he was a drinker and was hitting rock bottom and we had 2 young children. So my choices were almost made for me.

While I sympathize with you and your aggravations with tv I think if thats all he does wrong you might have yourself a winner! I think it would be good if you worked on your marriage and in the mean time try to plan out an alternative arrangement if you just can't deal with it anymore.

did you discuss what you visualised retirement would be like before he retired? Is his sports' viewing every day and all day the way he spent his weekends before? If so, what did you do then?

If this set-up is getting you down to the point that you are considering leaving, which the title of the thread suggests, then you need to answer some pretty serious questions.

Do you really want to leave? Can you afford to do so? Where will you live?

Whether you decide to leave or to stay, I think you will need to turn the TV off and discuss things with your DH.

Tell him frankly that you just cannot continue the way things are now, but try to make some really good suggestions as to what you would like your and his life to be, if you decide you want to stay.

I don't know where you live, town or country, so I don't know how many of all the good suggestions others have made are applicable. You do, so look into outside interests for yourself and try to suggest some for him too, if you are carrying on that is.

If you decide to leave, you are going to have to discuss that with him too. Presumably he thinks everything between you is just fine, so he's in for a nasty shock when you tell him it isn't fine at all.

I'm still struggling to understand whether LTB means 'looking to buy' or 'leave the b**** .( I've led a very sheltered life!).

Sorry there should have been 2 more stars in there!

tiffaney
Leave the bastard. Hope that doesn't offend but you did ask

Before you opt for the 'nuclear option' by putting an end to your marriage, I would at least give your husband a 'heads up' as to how unhappy you are and why. On the bright side, he doesn't spend all that time at the local pub or chasing other women, so there is that.

Spending entire days living life precariously through a TV screen, smacks of depression. Retirement for some (especially workaholics) can be daunting. Many people don't know what to do with so much unstructured time on their hands, so they choose the paths of least resistance.

Nonetheless, it's not fair to be this resentful towards your spouse and then acting upon it, without ever letting him know how you really feel. An important part of this conversation should be that you both agree to seek counseling (as others pointed out) and that in the meantime you both start exploring activities that you can enjoy together.

He knows how I feel about the cricket twice I've left had the house to live in and everything and he says he will change but no it's ok for a while then it starts again it's not just the sport thing it's everything

bettyboo22
On a score of 1-10 how happy would you say your marriage has been over the past 19 years. I know you mentioned the Greek debacle but how bad has the rest of it been.
By the way, from all the information that you've given here, I'm on your side.
From my perspective your still a young woman. When I was 57 we were about to move to another country, done that, bought a motohome and visited every country in Europe and a few outside.
What I'm trying to say is: there's a big world out there. Don't be scared, I've always found in life that there are a lot of nice people ready to help.

There is much to consider: He obviously hasn't accepted that he is no longer a useful working member of where ever he was before and is losing himself in whatever interests him most so as not to think about it or cope with what he should be doing with himself! This is a typical male situation - I saw it with my father and it drove my mother mad! It is much harder for men to accept retirement, plus they aren't as outgoing as we ladies. Nor do they say how they are feeling! So, get another TV, but don't isolate yourself from your sitting room - let him move to the other one sometimes if he must. Sit down and talk about what you might take up as a new challenge together - something neither of you has done before maybe; or produce a bucket list of things to do and places to visit. Go out for walks and pub lunches. Join in local community activities and most certainly volunteer onto local committees or charities. We are in our 70's and are constantly "on the go" with so many things that the only way I catch up with TV is on playback, usually in bed!

What worries me, however, is your question "Should I leave him?" Is anything else wrong? Have you been drifting apart for a long time maybe, or have not much in common any more? That is an entirely different situation and only you can decide whether you want to start again. I did, after 24 years of marriage. I was lucky to meet someone else after only a few months and we've been together 20 years now. However, my marriage was really dead in the water and I did not want to stay in it. Do you have children? You don't mention family and that does make a difference when you have visits and maybe grandchildren to enjoy together. There's been lots of good advice from everyone so take your pick and try a few things out. Remember, he's in uncharted waters with his retirement and is probably scared stiff about what he's going to do for the rest of his life. Men are from Mars - so Venus woman, get him sorted!

What do you mean by everything? Obviously there's more going on here than TV.
MDH has no interest in anything apart from tinkering with his Meccano.
I felt guilty at first as I have a social circle and also go to choir, he gets a bit miffed if he has to cook tea on choir night, do I feel guilty? Noo!
As advised you need to sit down and be honest with your spouse and hammer out some rules on your free time, TV, my poor husband doesn't even know how to turn it on? ?
Sort it before you get too resentful and do something you can't undo.

I know without a doubt he don't not want to start up a new interest or join clubs that's not him he is not depressed at all he's happy and he's even happier I think when I'm not there . We have no children

Seems to me that you are young enough and working so able to leave if you want to. You can't expect us to give your OH a makeover, he is as entitled to be himself as you are to be you. Either you have to take on board some of the excellent suggestions here or you just get on with it....maybe you are having a mid life crisis ...plenty of peope do.

Only you can make yourself happy, I wonder what you reason is for not doing so ?

What a great advertisement for marriage bettyboo's OP is and we complain that young people today don't take their relationships seriously. It can't surely be the first time cricket in the TV has been named in a divorce court?
I'm sorry, but I can't take this seriously, you are 57, working, no children or grandchildren to complicate your life. There are members with terminally ill husbands, husbands with dementia, widows and couples with tragic scenarios. And you moan about his choice of TV prog? If there is nothing more to your own life than TV perhaps you need to look closer to home.
Beehenny yours is a very different and potentially dangerous situation. If your OH has taken to physical abuse when drunk or angry, that should be a matter for the police. See a solicitor (without letting on to your OH) to find out what our rights are. I believe you are entitled to a proportion of his pension, but your physical safety is the important thing right now. Could your grown up children help with temporary accommodation? Good luck

"YOUR rights" of course.

beehenny Sat 01-Jul-17 14:25:25 Oh my dear... I am so heartbroken for you. I hope your sheltered flat comes up soon, and agree with Lyndie. Divorce will get you a settlement and security. If he assaults you again like that, I would call the police!

Betty Hope things get better for you.

Bettyboo you tale seems to be about so much more than the tv programmes it sounds, correct me if I m wrong, as if in one way or another your marriage has always been like this ( quoting the Greek holiday etc) so did you think it would change when he retired
57 is very young and you could be tied to this solitary confinement for another 30 + years is that what you want?
Do you even love this man? can you name half a dozen things which mean you couldn't bear to be without him if not I d be GONE There's a big world out there and life's too short to be in a situation you're not happy with

beehenny your post certainly puts most of our day-to-day grumbles in proportion.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do. You don't say if this man is the father of your children, but I hope that they will give you support in the future whatever you decide to do.

I am fortunate enough to have an iPad and when the cricket is on which is a lot, I put my earphones in and watch BBC iPlayer or itv hub on it, so we are in the same room but I can watch what I like without feeling unsociable. Is this something you could do.?

Bettyboo I just wanted to chip in with my 10p's worth. I dread getting to 60 and finding I'm in a loveless marriage - like so many others these days. The longer you've been together, the harder it is to leave, especially if you like them. You've left him once and it doesn't sound like the reconciliation worked. Don't waste the rest of your life, take the first step to a new start. Good luck, what ever you decide.

beehenny crossing everything for you to get into the sheltered accommodation.

bettyboo22, you say it's more than TV, decide how long you want to live as now or LTB.

Think if it is only tv that is the main bugbear a lot of people would consider your lucky,me included. Is there not a club you could join or join together? If he is that interested in the tv then sort out the viewing so you both get to see and do what you like but don't give up on your marriage because of it.
Mine turned bad on my wedding day,that was when I got my first thump,accident of course and wasn't meant but then again none of the others were either,people say you should walk out,not easy when you have children,no where to go and no money.
Children now mostly grown up and the time you think maybe you can start your own life only to find out he has dementia that is rapidly getting worse,can walk out on him like that even though I keep being muddled up for an ex girlfriend.
Please consider that maybe buying a new tv isn't a bad answer considering things that a lot of people go through,not saying yours is any less worse just that there may be an easy solution to it. Good luck

Developing your own interests advice excellent. Also recommend going away on holiday with a woman friend. You get companionship and a change of scene - he gets to learn not to take your presence for granted 24/7.

Although the advice to develop new hobbies , go away on holiday with others, buy a second tv. etc etc are all good advice I can't help feeling they are sticking plasters You have actually blocked every suggestion so far offered ....he's not depressed, you know he won't join any groups or clubs, you know he'd get the hump if you joined a group, you've left before but come back .....
What are you asking of readers apart from confirmation to leave ?

Only you know if the good bits outweigh the bad and you haven't mentioned ANY good bits ..... you haven't once mentioned the word love
You want to leave don't you? And you want us to tell you to do it but there's a scariness about making that big move and my guess is in ten years you ll still be thinking about it and still be in exactly the same position
Only you can change this situation by weighing up if you want a different, albeit scary new life or stay as you are and keep having a good old moan about it
I know you will think I m been unfair and hard but I think from the little bit you have told us that the only conclusion is you want confirmation that this man who is basically enjoying himself without you is bad enough to leave

Good post Bluebelle

Bluebele you Sa exactly what I was going to say! Good advice. bettyboo do you love him? Does he love you? Is anything you have worth staying for? If it is, decide how you can improve things for yourself within what you have. If not, get advice (legal) so that you can make informed decisions and help you to deal with the understandable fear