Should I stay

karenD may have a point.
It is a not infrequent occurrence that somebody starts a thread at the level of "my recently retired husband sits around all day watching TV" which then escalates at about 1-60mph in as many seconds to counselling/Relate/LTB/financial advice etc
Perhaps the choice of TV prog is the final straw on the camel's back or perhaps somebody feels they need attention.
At any rate it brings out the best in GN re relationship counselling lots of advice.
Oh and of course OP usually disappears off the face of the earth leaving everybody wondering... ..

The OP's posted twice this morning Mawbroon - reiterating how her DH wouldn't take it at all well whatever she did!

Yes I saw, I was speaking generally, but as has happened before in other cases, OP's dissatisfaction with her husband appears to be developing another dimension from her original post.

Yes, none of our advice seems to have been useful!

Bettyboo22. For starters a 'best on the market' Tv and a singles holiday to cheer you up.Too drastic?
This may or may not give DH a kick start 'hello, remember me,? the woman you married x years ago?
This is not an uncommon situation between couples in retirement but on a personal note do you still have the same feelings for him as you did the day you married.?
Could you hear yourself saying 'I can't live with you but I can't live without you.'

Does your DH have any men friends or other family members you could ask to chivvy him into getting out more- maybe to watch live matches? I do worry that if you go out to do your own thing that he will vegetate more and may become depressed. You do seem to me to care about him and don't want to upset him- I don't see that as 'controlling' on his part.

Another tv, some hobbies, join a creative class, activities that don't require a partner, hopefully you drive? Go shopping for the day, visit museums etc etc join U3A or Townswomens Guild or Womens Institute, gardening club, flower club, go on a coach day trip....just get yourself out and leave hom to get his own food.

Is it really worth abandoning a marriage over? You need to take responsibility for your own happiness of course, and if this is the only way (and only you can make that decision) then do it, but if there is something worth saving then get out into the community as people have so wisely suggested and make your own life.

Just a thought but have you considered he may be depressed? The TV might just be a way to silence all the stuff going on in his head about not being needed/part of the team stuff that retirement triggers in some people.

If he joins clubs or activities and doesn't like it if you do, then that is a worrying sign of control. My father was like this with my mother. He worked shift work and never wanted to do anything with her so she was always on her own. She joined a local country club and he was very nasty about it. I was surprised she stood her ground and carried on going.
I think that puts a whole different complexion on things. Unless you can think of a reasonable number of positive things that you gain from this relationship, this seems a good time to end your life happily doing what you want to do, even if that just means watching your own choice of TV programmes.
I live on my own and am definitely happier than I would be if I had stayed with some of the men in my lives.

He is not depressed that's for sure no way I am because when he's watching sport I'm on Facebook all the time and yes I do go shopping and stuff . He has no interest in coming with me or joining any clubs at all

Hi Bettyboo22

Have you tried joining some groups?
Coffee mornings, Swimming?, The WI?
Sounds like you need to get out and meet people so that you don't rely so much on your husband.
There is usually loads going on if you start searching - courses, meet-ups act...
and it will do you the world of good!
When my hubby's watching sport I watch stuff on my Mac either on Amazon prime or catchup tv.
Open yourself up to other possibilities and start living again xx

The actual heading to this thread is:. Should I Stay With My Husband.....the heading often gives more insight than what has actually been said.

I am still muttering.

I agree with Marion, in that he may be depressed or at least reacting to retirement. I find with my OH that a small jaunt out somewhere helps. I tend to say I need help going to a Day store or we go to coffee at Waitrose. I tend to read or use my tablet, head phones is a great idea. Also I knit, only squares, but I find that soothing. A routine helps, so he gets used to you going out for a couple of hours on a specific day. Or could you both join a tennis club? Or a bowls club? Perhaps a visit to one might help. Does he have any friends?

Here's one...switch the TV off. But before doing that, plan a few days away. When you are not around waiting on him while he watches TV it will force him to see that you are not around as much. When you get back, sit down and have a chat. He may be getting into a bad rut. Unless you feel as if he is controlling you, please don't leave your marriage.

I can just imagine the fireworks if the OP dared to turn the TV off!

We have totally different interests as far as TV goes, but we record some and watch when we're on our own and there is a lot of compromise. I also watch on my iPad sometimes. I think it's time to make a stand and also suggest going out for lunch or the cinema. Don't wait for him to suggest anything. I agree with the others that you should start to do things on your own as well.

Honestly he is not depressed he couldn't be happier he always used to watch sport after work before My mum was the same she married my dad and he was cricket mad and used to leave her sitting alone or my dad would have telly on cricket and another match on the radio at same time . I can't believe I'm doing the same thing as my mum except I don't have children I can turn to or many friends either I'm not old I'm 57 and work full time which does not allow a lot of time for things except to watch tv we also have dogs so I would love to leave him but unlikely nowhere to go ??

When my husband retired he read books a lot and listened to classical music. These have been lifelong 'hobbies' for him. I am the opposite, but have made my own path in life.

We both respect each other's need for space, and I enjoy my own company at times.

I'm not sure leaving him is the answer. You need to think about whether you would regret such a move, and some 'what if' scenarios.

My sil left her husband of 40 years, and though she is with another man, she still has regrets. Be careful, is life really that bad?

I think in your position I would develop my own interests and disregard any opposition.

I wish you well. xx

This is developing into something else bettyboo isn't it?
Working full time doesn't leave much time for anything except TV - hello? What have we all done all our working lives -hobbies, travel, cinema, theatre , family, friends?
Were you perhaps hoping that now he is retired he would be busy round the house or garden and you would come home to a freshly decorated bathroom, newly planted Borders and dinner on the table? And instead he is watching the cricket!!
Well life ain't like that!!
I am sorry you are so discontented but frankly if you are basing the definition of a happy marriage on liking the same activities all of the time, you should have spotted a problem 19 years ago. Couples do not have to be joined at the hip if they have different interests, that's what mutual respect and toleration are about.
By all means write off 19 years if you feel that way, but stop and think whether you are being fair and also how you would feel if you were being given the order of the boot for the same reasons.
My honest opinion is not for publication here. But IMHO he deserves better.

Betty, I think some men just 'can't be bovvered' when it comes to take up new interests, either before or after retirement.

Married 25 years this October. He was a widower. We are now a bit busy with DGD, but not every day. I have gotten him interested in new things, but he would not do them without urging and that can be hard work. He spent his working life doing long hours, then all free time was with his sons as he raised them alone.

My DH does hog the telly, but I have my huge desktop setup, my work and my studies done from it and we are in the same room as the flat is not that big. I have tuned out the endless episodes of LOTSW... RIP Peter Sallis, but FFS, they are all dead now (well, except a few, Ivy?). WHY DO I KNOW THIS SH*T?!!!) Because he has the telly on like clockwork in later afternoon. We do share some shows, but I prefer winter watching vs in good long light evenings. I did get him to buy a laptop a few years ago, which he uses to play solitaire mostly because he cannot touch type.

Got him a nice camera after he borrowed my lesser kit and liked taking photos of DGD. He's slow catching on but getting there. I had to draft a friend of ours who is very good with cameras to bring his to a dinner at a mutual friends. I sneaked DH's new camera with me to hopefully get some help... he was annoyed at first, but within a half hour, they had their heads together he learned loads.

He does not drink or give me grief. Is very supportive of my studying and goals... we take interesting hols and on holiday he's all get up and go for the activities.

Some men are just 'house lazy'. If I were you... I'd start going out. If he gets annoyed, tell him there is nothing stopping him from joining you. Try some new non-threatening things at first... then work your way up and put your foot DOWN and dance!

HI Bettyboo 22, I have been a member of gransnet for ages now but have never posted before, but your thread has touched a nerve. I sympathise whole heartedly with your dilemma, I am in a very similar position. Mine OH is very controlling, he has just cashed in his very considerable pension pot, and it's all in his name, I don't even have enough contributions to get a full pension when I am 66 but he says it's not worth paying the shortfall because he will always take care of me.AAAAAGhh!!!! I recently said I could do with some new shoes and he replied, Oh yes dear let ME buy you some new shoes. I have followed him around the world for years to further his career, and let mine go, now MY kids won't come here because they hate him but have never had to courage to tell me before. I have spent the past 3 years struggling with my aging mother and now she is finally settled in a home, I thought I could have a bit better quality of life, but no. He has always hated her and even banned her from coming to our home, I have had no emotional support over all this and now he says that I can't visit her too often as she has gone into a home a several miles away to be nearer my brother as he doesn't drive and my OH says we can't afford the petrol for me to go. He has always had a bit of a problem with alcohol, not all the time but when he gets really sizzled he hits out, the last time this happened, last November at the home of some really old friends, he punched me in the head, tried to bite my face and told me I was pushing me RUDE WORD luck and what he would do to me if I didn't get out of his RUDE WORD life. Of course next day, as usual he, conveniently, can't remember any of this. I have no funds whatsoever, and have spent the last 7 months trying to put together another life. I have applied for a flat in a sheltered scheme, and have decided that as soon as a flat comes up I am going for it come what may. He retired last October, and since then I have not known any peace, he thinks I should live to his timetable and follow all his interests, he has taken over MY garden, he had no interest whatsoever before and even MY chickens. I have no life, so in my opinion, whatever my future holds it can't be any worse without him than it will be with him. As I said at the start of this I have never posted before because I find that all so called Social Media turns out the be anything but, but at least I have got it off my chest and I will watch with interest to see if you post again in the future with your decision.

Oh beehenny. How awful for you. You will be financially better off if you divorce him but being in the same house would not be easy. I hope you can sort it out.

Bettyboo. I think you have decided you want to leave. It's scary, isn't it. ?

Thank you so much you don't know me and I find your reply offensive I go out full time work I cook the dinner on return I expect nothing love . But what I'd like is a husband who considers me and not himself so in reply to you I Deserve Better

That last reply was for mawbroon