Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

You're missing your bra and your keks Marydoll ? What on earth were you up to in the cellar last night? By 'eck, you're a rum 'un, you are!

That's between me, my therapist and the eight tenors.I think I was seeing double

I bet you were after that lot!

I'll put them under your usual table so you can get them next time you are down there, if they are still there in the morning I will definitely be doing the brass though, I do have standards after all.

Thank goodness one of has standards and it's certainly not me!?

Another late night counting my millions! I sit on a throne of notes. All drinks on me tonight and one bag of pork scratchings, no crisps or nuts. Scratchings are the ones with hair still attached, I'm not that generous! ?

Oh dear, I'm female - at least I think so, till the menopause mid-life crisis kicked in. Now I'm not sure ... does it matter? I can be flexible, but I may need some support afterwards. Where does one park one's zimmer? I manage most days with help, especially from a couple of tenas Tenors.

Don't worry about any 'extra' bits in the brownies. I have all my own teeth -bit chipped due to previous brownie activity, but all my own. Anyway I quite fancy one of those gold ones at the front. 'm thinking that after a couple of brownies, I won't flippin' care anyway. Who gets the scrapings from the mixing bowl by the way? Saves on washing up if I do that and I'd like to make myself useful.

No mention of Giovanni the Gopher! Doesn't anyone care? He's not a happy gopher at the moment. Having an identity crisis and feeling victimised by "bloody old women" can't be much fun for the poor thing. Where's your caring nature, you lot? At least acknowledge him, give him a brownie or two, then he may be content for a while.

PS This is very crazy.

Geronimo the Goffer is always sloping off in a huff. Pay no attention he'll be back when he's hungry. He's very attached to Chew - looks on her as a mother due mainly to the amazing resemblance between the two of them (especially the teeth and hairy chins).

How very dare you Anya . I will have you know that Gaston is a very rare pedigree pole cat ferret who is a direct descendant of a very distinguished family of feral musk rats. His lineage, as is mine, is traceable for at least a decade.

Presumably you share the same gene pool then?

Can ferrets swim? What fun, was it a paddling pool Chewbacca?

Oh Chewy that wasn't very kind of Anya. You know it is only me who is allowed to insult you without any repercussions. I know you have tried everything to get rid of that hairy chin, just resign yourself to having to live with it. You have made a fortune as the bearded lady in the circus, so why are you complaining?
Anyway, it means that when we are together, everyone is so fixated with your chin, they don't notice my enormous backside. Well, nearly everyone. That miserable ferret/polecat/goffer, Grant, never misses an opportunity to nip it.

I think you'll find that the rules say I can insult who I want Marydoll - if you are ever sober enough to read them. And your kidding yourself if you think we could miss that titanic backside. Did no one ever smash a bottle of Cava across it to launch it (champagne would be a waste)?

I see Grayson has returned home as I foretold. He's currently asleep in the ginger wig Menopaws fished out of the urinals and dried (pity she didn't think to rinse it through first though) ??☠️

You're kidding.....

Right Anya let's settle this outside. You've insulted me; Graham and now Marydoll although to be fair, you were pretty spot on about her always being wasted. And I loved the bit about her bum . This cannot go on. So outside. Now.

Anya ?
Chewy, my best friend, are you going to stand by and allow Anya to insult my posterior? Furthermore, my rear end is precious and only Moet will suffice. ???????So there!

I'll hold yer coat Chewy ( though it's a nice one and I may forget to give it back)
But.....are you sure about going a few rounds with Anya she was a welter weight champ you know! ?

What?

Crisis! Forget the fight peeps, I have just discovered that the beer barrel is empty, as is the spare one, and Granville the ferret ( the culprit) is lying drunk as a skunk on the bar.

All the nuts are gone too! ( thank goodness.)

Roses , that's no way to describe the café grans. Where has everyone gone? Are they outside watching the fight.Oh how I love a good fight.

Call that a fight Chew? ??You'd better bring a bigger handbag next time and one with a good strong strap!

Oh dear ...ladies, ladies - sorry, I realise that's probably taking the personal insults a little too far. Now behave yourselves You're missing valuable drinking time fighting over a flippin' guinea pig. Geraldine just isn't worth it. Since 'she' transitioned into a gopher, she has become very ratty for no particular reason. Best to ignore it. I last saw her consorting with some otters down the outlet pipe which runs into that smelly stream on the edge of the rec, so she's ok.

Has anyone got any plans for any extreme mayhem over the next few days? It's the weekend, so we should up the anti a bit, or we'll lose all credibility.

Some sort of music festival, maybe ... we could take our clothes off, have a bit of a bop, drink ourselves stupid and no-one would notice.

Actually scrub that, I think that's already been done. So passe, dahlings. I'm up for any suggestions ... as long as I can bring my tablets, comfy shoes and cardy.

Champagne is on ice.
Very posh!!

I need the glasses back though, so no Greek-style parties please.

It's Glastonbury this weekend-think we should have our own Argyfest. Can I have the falafel stall please? Can get away with anything in those.