Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

I am an actual bar manager in a retirement home, can I apply for a job?

Do you have any experience working with gentile laideeees (not) who are partial to a wee cup of tea any form of alcohol; are workshy (Chewy take note); like to lie in, in the morning, afternoon, after a night on the tiles, on the floor, under the table, behind the bins; tend to wander about in their liberty bodices, granny knickers and not much else, usually wearing one red stiletto. Are you also able to tolerate some risque songs and a very smelly ferret called Gideon, alias Gilbert? If so, you are our man, woman. We don't care, anyone will do. We are desperate as MDoll and Roses are reluctant to clean up the bar with all its suspect detrius. Oh and can you bring a bottle? We don't do cakes.

Familiar with all of the above, I will bring a bottle of Canadian club whisky and I hate baking so all good so far. Never mind clearing a bar that has seen a fun time, very satisfying putting it all back together again for the next bash. I don't wear stilettos though, will that go against me? I am not a man but prefer flats when working

We usually wear only one stiletto anyway, as we can never find it's partner. We will have wait and see what the others think of your credentials. However, they are nowhere to be seen. That's so unlike them, as they love drinking partying and always stay to the last gasp, especially Chewy . I hope Gerard the ferret is ok. The heat could be getting to them, as they are so much older than me. Even Ana and Roses have vanished and they have more stamina than anyone I know. I hope they haven't fallen asleep in the bins, which they have done previously.

Marydoll less of the bloody democracy (we will have to wait and see what the others say) ?? Menopaws is hired forthwith - unless you want to do the clean up yourself!

Terms and Conditions.

Free bicycle clips, work wellies and drinks. Name your own hours. No need to man the bar as Ana is more than capable.

PS Do you have a criminal record and/or a First Aid Certificate?

Hang on a minute. What the.....? A retirement home with a bar and a bar manager? How long's your waiting list,*Menopaws*, and where do I sign up?

PS Do you have a criminal record and/or a First Aid Certificate

Are these obligatory?

Well I think the First Aid certificate should be obligatory. Remember the last time we had a lock in and what happened to you Chewy. I am not up for these late night dashes to A&E anymore.

For heaven's sake Marydoll ! Let it go! Gerald didn't mean to sink his teeth into your derriere that night! You startled him, that's all. Poor little chap was fast asleep on Roses's chest she was comatose on the floor at the time. If you hadn't staggered about; tripped over Anya's whippet and fallen on to Gerald, he wouldn't have bitten your bum. Sheesh! Some people sure do bear a grudge!

roses, I've brought another half ton of George's sawdust for you to sift through. Must say, my kitchen is looking and smelling better these days now that I've cleared it all out. He's a mucky little beggar ain't he!

He certainly is! And has so many names, or are there several ferrets?
Gideon, Giilbert, George,Gerard and Gerald.....so far, how many names by next week?
Now, let me just strew this sawdust around ( it's still a bit lumpy and whiffy btw) but adds to the ambience I suppose.)

Is the kettle on? I do need something, coffee with a nip of something (not a ferret though) just to get me through the morning, thanks.

Chewy, I wasn't thinking about the night Gregory bit my rather large posterior. Don't you remember the pole dancing incident, when we had to call the firefighters to free you from a very compromising position?
Should Giovanni(the ferret) and I share this anecdote with the grans?

Trust you Marydoll ! You forget nothing do you? There was no way I could have known that that pole had just been greased with Swarfega. It could have happened to anyone.
And I don't know why you keep picking on Gordon - he's never done you any harm. not his fall you sat on him.

Where's Menopaws got to? I wanted to introduce her to Godfrey, my whippet (and of course Geoffrey)

Must've gone back to the retirement home job - don't blame her! Probably not used to lumpy sawust on the floors...

You just keep that mongrel away from my George Anya! He looks vicious to me! And why has he only got 3 legs?
ps, that Roses never did any of the cleaning this morning. She slurped all the dregs out of the empty glasses; had a crafty fag and then fell asleep in the "beer garden".
(I think Menopaws might have been put off by the regulation bicycle clips, dunno, but think so).

I don't think it's the bicycle clips to blame, it's more like to be the thought of looking after the incorrigible, unruly, unbelievable, unrelenting, under the table grans.

Looks a bit too young and attractive for one of our 'Clientele' MaryDoll - I'm sure none of 'em on a Friday night have even got their teeth in at passing-out time...

Speak for yourself Ana. That's a picture of me. I may be in my sixties, but I look about 20.
I'm trying to find a picture of Chewy, as she does look her age.

Chewy in her garden today, feeling the heat. No sign however, of Gavin the ferret.

Graham the ferret ready to pounce. Be on your guard, ladies. He likes a wee nip of someone something, just like some grans we know.

You know how to hurt don't you Marydoll ! What a low blow! Ana knows exactly how old you are, and what you really look like when you haven't got the red lipstick, green eyeshadow and pink route on. And how very dare you bring my Gabriel into this! He's a thoroughbred ferret/pole cat, I'll have you know. not that you have much experience with GENUINE anything.

BARMAN! A pint of Beered Lady bitter. PLEASE!

How did you know I have red hair and drooping bezooms? You have been spying on me---AGAIN!

Easy! Saw you on Police! Camera! Action!