Argy-Bargy Cafe - enter at your peril ?

Oh dear, I'm worried. The café seems awfully quiet. Have you all fled to avoid the singing....or has the ferret escaped again? While I' m here I may as well have a wee tipple. ?????????????Anyone care to join me?

Ssshhh! Marydoll , roses is asleep under the table (I said she shouldn't have had 3 double brandys but she wouldn't listen). Jalima stood on a 3 legged bar stool to sing The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God and fell off. I'll give her a shove in a minute to see if she's alright. And Ana went out to sort out a brawl in the backyard. Not seen her since but she was good and made at them rowdys!

But you are all in agreement with each other about having a good old piss up and enjoying yourselves so I can't see how it can be an Argy-Bargy.
If you are agreeing, you have failed in being controversial.

Oh you have a point Nellie?So, can anyone think of something controversial to say and then we can all agree to differ!

That hat looks ridiculous on you Marydoll , whatever made you put it on? And another thing... I never did like that twinset you gave me last Christmas. So there! Take that!

Chewy you ungrateful wretch!
Well the others thought the luminous green twin set with purple and orange zig zags would go really well with your hideous shocking pink leggings, which by the way are three sizes (at least) too small! So there to you too!

What! You have the nerve to tell me that my leggings are 3 sizes too small, when you're the one that came out last night with no trousers on AT ALL! What kind of a hussy does that, eh? And while we're on the subject of clothes being too small, you might like to have another look at that open lace "sweater" that you keep wearing when you go down to the fish market every day. Do you spray it on? There's a snug fit. And there's too small. And that sweater ain't a snug fit!

Chewy, it was all your fault I had no trousers on in the cafe last night! I was trying to evacuate that blooming, smelly ferret of yours from my nether regions. People only pretend to be your friend in case you set it on them too. As for the fishmarket, you seem to be better informed than me about fish. (Going by your posts on the food thread!) So there and there, again!!!
Nellie, do you think that is controversial enough, or should we try harder?

First thing in the morning, I'm going to ask Ana to bar you Marydoll ! Bringing a posh, respectable establishment like this into disrepute! And as for my Gideon, he smells better than you! I hardly dared to write that MD but I couldn’t resist!

Well, you can TRY to bar me, but you will have a fight on your hands.
Just remember, I too have friends in the cafe. I think I have, and it's not you
Just remember, Chewy "Vengeance is a dish, best served cold, VERY COLD! So there! Put that in that big, ridiculous Meerschaum, pipe you smoke. Remind you of anyone?

Night night, my dear friend.

Hells teeth Marydoll, don't hold back will you!

I'm off to bed now but tomorrer, I'll be back! Grrrrr!

I don't have a drink problem with me calling in this early in the morning just need to collect some underware that I seem to be missing from last night! I did a quick tidy around in the bar but couldn't move the person fast asleep behind the bar she was snoring her head off and missing a bright red stiletto shoe so if anyone has gone home with odd shoes can you please check and return.

That would be Ana asleep behind the bar, I know it wasn't me, because I woke up under the table.It's high time tge carpets were cleaned in here, am covered in peanut crumbs and bits of tripe pie!
A large black coffe please somebody.....

No one left to clean the carpet or the loos because the cleaner/general factotum has resigned. She was last seen muttering about 'laydees? You must be bleeding joking. I'm out of 'ere - I have me reput-Ashum to consider'

I think we need to draw up a job description PDQ ... any suggestions? Shall I start off???

1. Ferret lover required for general duties.
2. Experience in a lunatic asylum Care Home desirable as many of our customers are past their sell by date of an elderly and genteel nature.

Job description:
3. Ability to be unshockable at the exploits of SOME of the grans
4 Owning a set of ear defenders to block out the sound of the raucous singing

Plus a strong stomach?

So shall I remove the word 'genteel' then?

Was wondering if we should provide the ear defenders and bicycle clips as part of a uniform...it might encourage more applicants. If we can get the JD finished quickly I can insert it in The Lady this week.

I agree, the bicycle clips are indeed a necessity. I can speak from personal experience regarding the ferret.
Also, perhaps we need to re-assure the applicants that gas masks will be available.

5. Must possess a current first aid certificate. You never know what mishaps will befall (it has already happened, as some of us know)the once gentile ladees.

Who remembers this advert?

No self-respecting cleaner would come in and clear up this place - Get Yer Rubber Gloves on All of Youse

A rota?