Death

The Church of England run sessions called Grave Talk which are a cafe experience where the deep issues and light hearted approaches are aired. death cafes also do the same, for those who don't want to bring faith into the discussion particularly. Min have run 'living well in the end times' courses.... Another c of e based thing, where my plan has been to give info... You could make a Living Will OP where you state what you'd like to happen. Nursing homes have Death Plans for those who want them. We plan for everything else, why not our death? There are also Death Midwives and Felicity Warner has written a book about that... Interesting reading... I am a priest btw, so a vested interest!

My Father-in-Law is dying, he only has days to live, he just wants to go now as really is suffering, he is 84 and was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia in October, he has been really open about what he wants for his funeral and where to go after, I admire that he can talk about this now and it's not something his Wife and Family have to decide after he's gone.

So sad, we dont always get it right at the end of this life... Same with my dad, he wanted to go, but it took quite a while, with decreasing quality of life and loss of control over his circumstances. We could have done better, but hindsight is a wonderful thing...

My parents had made a living will, which needed to be re-agreed legally each year (I think). Although I had agreed with this because I knew that it was what they wanted,it was with a sick feeling in my stomach. In the end my parents decided to not proceed with this plan because they thought it would create more problems for us (their children).

Having said that, I would also like to make a living will of some kind, but I do know my own children will find it very hard to deal with.

www.facebook.com/deathcafe/

churchofenglandfunerals.org/gravetalk/

People might find these websites helpful.... some good links too, and articles for further reading/thought. Bit of a passion of mine this... Lost a daughter-in-law to cancer, aged 40 (she left a little boy and my son bereft ...) and then my Dad just prior to her terminal diagnosis, and then my mum this year... I have been left with a real passion to demistify the process of shifting from this life to the next and to make the transition as painless and affirming of the individual as possible. We should go surrounded by our loved ones and comfortable and pain free and cared for ...

My son as told me to stop talking about dying as "it is morbid", I on the other hand believe that when you get to a certain age and you know death is imminent, perhaps just around the corner, talking about it helps you come to terms with it. it also helps you to feel as if you have some kind of control over it IMHO

Exactly kooklafan - look it in the face and plan!

Hi everyone!
It is good to see this subject raised here. Many moons ago I used to work on a stress/suicide helpline and have had the Sams training. Samaritans are wonderful people with a refreshingly realistic attitude towards death.
Now that I have lived and lost and my own health is poor I have developed an interest in Choice and yet also been puzzled at the current situation. There is a 'safe', painless, pleasant cheap method of ending one's life without needing others to do anything (unless you happen to be totally paralysed I suppose - eg Tony Nicklinson - which few are. I first heard about it in a powerful BBC Horizon programme presented by Michael Portillo. He was looking into the death penalty and the various methods. He concluded that there was one perfect method - but that as it meant the worst of crims dying pleasantly (when for most of us it is an unpleasant struggle)the Public would never accept it! I of course pricked up my ears thinking 'yes but I know who would...!'

I predict that when this is talked about it will become routine - with court recommended safeguards. Meanwhile the regular 'convenient' deaths in recent years (Pratchett etc) are probably by this method but the relatives couldn't be persuaded to be linked in any way.

I have my cylinder - it would not be feasible to ban it as Nitrogen is 80% of the air we breathe - hence why our brains cannot detect the absence of oxygen and do not react. Actually just having the choice is surprisingly empowering for carrying on.

And anyone not psychologically up for it need not be bothered. BW

Governments are worried that vulnerable people will be at risk if they allow us to choose when to die. It is a real dilemma. There are many dementia patients without close relatives to watch over them who may not wish to die. Also the learning disabled, and other groups. My solicitors have told me that Living Wills are not legally binding, and I have now set up a Power of Attorney, Health and Welfare for my daughter who knows my wishes.

I'm petrified of dying, it scares me that it's so final. I don't talk about with my DDs as they don't want to discuss it either.My friends know how I feel and we make a joke of it, as it doesn't bother any of them,only me.

Maybe what we can do in a small way is talk about it more with our own families and friends - just bring death out into the open more. It's going to happen to all of us and the longer we talk about it, the more it will come to be seen as part of a normal life, and not something that is just hidden away at the end. I agree with what people have been saying - I don't think many people are afraid of actual death, these days, but we all worry that we might be in pain or lose our autonomy in the period leading up to it. Only talking about it more will lead to changes in the law, I think.

It's a pity that death is such a taboo subject in our modern society and difficult to discuss without being thought of as morbid. To address this "death cafes" have sprung up in many areas where you can go and chat with others. I haven't been but they are apparently not for bereavement support, or for practical help around funerals etc. just for discussing any aspect around death that you want. They are organised by trained facilitators, not professionals. Sounds interesting to me. I may give it a go, because I think you have to come to terms with your own death (difficult I know) before you can fully make the most of this life.

Death Cafes are becoming very popular in the East of Devon. The voluntary section run them and even though they are not coordinated by professionals, they enable people to discuss death and to hear other peoples views and experiences.
I am going to one this month.

My husband and I have written instructions about our deaths ...here in France if you provide your wishes in writing the funeral directors are obliged by law to do exactly what you wish (place of death to crem, No religious service No delay is what we have specified) I asked my doc if it were possible here to have a DNR notice on my medical records (medical records here as accessible via a 'Carte Vitale' which can be input into a machine I any medical establishment and contain all your information ) but she said it is not recognised here ,,but I did read if you make this a written notice via a Notaire it must be accepted (I must look into this !) ,,,other than that, I have a pre paid funeral plan (to pay for Undertakers, crem etc ,but please NO stargazer lillies !) and scattering of ashes in the memorial garden. Unfortunately my husband was too old to have a funeral plan apart from one where we could pay the entire amount up front ,,,but if we had that kind of money we wouldn't need to worry ! I have also looked at Exit (I am a member) and Dignitas but at 10,000 that is not an affordable option !...UNLESS the government of the UK decided healthcare for us ex pats is too expensive and offers us 50% off.....

It's a sad subject but I feel that we must find the courage to face it if we can. I'm not sure if it's true but is it the case that if you leave your body to medical science you don't have to have a funeral at all?
My poor old MIL is now in a nursing home after being diagnosed with dementia, she has said that 'if anything happens I don't want them to do anything' which we take to mean Do Not Resuscitate. This has been noted by the GP on her records. It's sad but she is not enjoying life anymore, she's lost her hearing, eyesight, mobility and short term memory. When she wakes each morning she is fed-up with still being alive and is angry with the doctor for not killing her. It must be difficult for the nursing staff to hear this each day.
It's terrible for her and it seems pointless trying to cheer her up. She has become nasty and spiteful. In the past I used to joke about pushing her off a cliff but the reality is different. So we must plod on until the inevitable happens.

If your body is accepted for medical science they return it afterwards for you to dispose of it. Am not sure what happens if you don't want it. Dementia is so cruel because your personality is lost as your brain decays, and you don't necessarily bear any relationship to your original self.

My beloved mum was 98 when she died. She used to say "I have every blessing that anyone could wish for but I should like to go home now"

gagsy - lovely
Reminds me of the the time we gave an old fellow a lift from a bus stop, and he smiled and said "I'll be going soon!"
Where? That's what he meant.
Personally I'm not afraid of death, I only worry about becoming physically disabled and dependent on others. But I think I can understand the fears of others.
Do you think it has anything to do with religious beliefs about the afterlife?

Check out Pure Cremation that is the way I want to be " seen off". The family now agree.

My dear m.i.l. (85) proudly told Mr. S a few weeks ago that 'it was all organised'. She'd been to the funeral directors and everything was arranged and paid for. Even the wake; the venue and the menu; she's gone for the most expensive buffet bless her.

So that got us talking and as we know what each of us wants we decided that who ever outlives the other should do what my m.i.l. has done.

We had a giggle, trying to imagine what it would be like if DS had to arrange everything, bless him he'd have trouble organising a p..s up in a brewery and he'll more than likely still be in Aus. anyway.

When we skyped him and told him about our plans he said 'OK but I'd have found you a nice ditch' and 'hope this isn't going to dip into my inheritence too much'.

But seriously, I do think it's a good idea if not to the extent Mr. S.'s mum has done, to have a few ideas for when the time comes. Makes it easier for those grieving.

I am sure that when my father was dying in the eighties (cancer) at home, the Dr. Gave him extra morphine/medication to hasten the end. It was much kinder. Of course they don't dare do that now.

A very dear neighbour died unexpectedly two weeks ago and speaking with the lady who tried to revive him, she said it had made her face up to her own mortality. Me too, although I'm 20 years older than her.

It was a beautiful ceremony, first at a church, followed by the crematorium. He had been very kind to me and I was deeply moved by the service. However, I decided there and then that I want no fuss, the cheapest possible cremation and my ashes taken to the Alps, where I spent some of the happiest days of my life. The only proviso being that should my daughter feel she needs to mourn in a different way that's fine too.

Annsixty, thank you for that website. VERY helpful. I've been in touch.

This is a really interesting thread. So refreshing that we can discuss death in a logical manner. (I don't think anyone has mentioned the 'R'word yet, thank goodness!) If we, who are, let's face it, closer to death (although I am only 58, so hopefully not including myself just yet!) - can face up to death and be overwhelmingly in favour of a sensible humane 'way out' when the time comes, surely we should be listened to. I wonder if GN would consider forming an official lobby group?
If not, does anyone know of pressure groups we could join?

I am in a group of retired people, and each week we have someone entertain or give a lecture. One week we had a visit from a Funeral Director, and it was fabulous, he was so amusing, all the fears we had before he started about it being miserable, disappeared, he was very knowledgeable, and could put it over so well, everyone left with smiles on their faces, he also gave out Living Wills we could fill in if we wished, I think it is a really good idea, when the time comes everyone knows ones wishes and hopefully they will honour them. I also think we need to talk about death more openly, after all it is a part of life!