What's normal?

I'm a firm believer in ' Use it or lose it ' Once you stop doing anything it's harder ( no pun ) to get back to doing something again. Also perhaps, spicing it up might help your mojo. An afternoon in bed can seem ' naughty ' or even just a night away.

Now is the time to be adventurous. The bed isn't the only place. Make sure you lock the front and back door first though in case a visitor drops in

Consider yourself lucky samsgran. My husband hasn't had any interest in sex for at least 15 years. I get a peck on the cheek at bedtime and that's it. I wonder every day how much more I can take of being the laundry maid and housekeeper. We had a wonderful sex life when we met over 35 years ago but after having a vasectomy in 1987 he seemed to lose interest. We have tried couples counselling and he has tried all the medical options but still nothing! I suffer badly from depression now, I weigh nearly 11 stone when I used to weigh less than seven before all this started , I have no self confidence and blame myself. I just feel so ugly and unwanted now. I thought he might be gay or having an affair but he's assured me that's not the case. There is nothing more distressing in a marriage than to get into bed and there is just a back facing you. I don't know anyone else who is living their married life like this so I find know how common it is. I am a practicing Catholic so would never have an affair. Even if I wasn't I wouldn't have the body confidence to have an affair. Our kids have all left home, the youngest and last one to leave was 10 years ago. This should be our time and it breaks my heart to think of what we could have. Xx

No one asks us oldies what is normal when it comes to how many times do we go out in a week, how many holidays do we have, how much do we spend on this and that, how much tv do we watch, how many times do we eat meat in a week, how many showers do we have, how many this, how many that, but when it comes to sex everyone seems interested in what everyone else is doing - surely there is no right or wrong number of times, it is entirely up to the couples concerned as it is with all the other questions mentioned. Looks like to me the opinion is the more you do it the better/more superior you think you are - like it's something to brag about, which is very disheartening for some people who for whatever reason are unable to have sex even if they wanted to. Feels like there is a lot of insecurity about if you can't get on with your own life without checking what other people are doing. There are other things in life.

I agree Samie.

I think normal is what seems to be pleasurable for each person. I know what that is to me, but each person is different to me. I know what normal is to DH, but we married 56 years ago and I should know by now. We do subscribe to 'use it or lose it' but only to ourselves.

Nothing better for contraception than a puppy!
He's taken to sleeping under our four poster rather than downstairs in his choice of 2beds or 2 sofas
Consequently if husband and I start murmuring sweet nothings we literally have to whisper since anything louder than that and lo and behokd he's up on the bed and ready to join in by licking us to pieces
Quite often though we here him latter downstairs to sleep and so we take advantage ! .Honestly it's worse than having a child

Patter downstairs

Actually, contraception isn't an issue as I'm 68!

I can't remember what it is, been so long. Now faintly horrified of the idea of someone coming (sorry!) near me. Or seeing me naked...

Samie your contribution is absolutely excellent. Thank you.

It's the intimacy that is important, a cuddle or an arm across you when going to sleep. As for the physical act of doing the deed.... penetration isn't necessary. Both parties can find full satisfaction with intimate touching. Or one can satisfy the other simply because they love them and want to do so.

But the interest and the caring needs to still be there to make this possible.

It is so sad to read how unhappy some of us are.

Oh Nonna22, I feel exactly the same as you! We have had no sex for about 9 years due to problems DH has due to prostate and Peyronies syndrome( never stopped Bill Clinton!) and it is so hard to lose that feeling of being sexual or desirable, esoecially as I am much younger than DH and am still only in 50's.

Would you like this man's view ?

I think sexual desire is 99% chemical and physical and, provided that you are still attracted to each other, depends on weight, exercise, diet and maybe some natural supplements

If you missing this desire, then discuss things with your doctor or a Nutritional Therapist

For a woman, balancing your hormones, like Estrogen, Progesterone and Testosterone, makes an amazing difference. A tiny amount of Progesterone cream might change you into a raving nyphomaniac !

For a man, boosting his Testosterone and reducing his Estrogen might restore his flagging libido

What can you do to help achieve this ?

* If you or he are overweight, what can you change about the food that you eat ?
* Go out for brisk walks together - exercise makes an incredible difference !
* Take the lead in bed, but start slowly with just kisses and caresses
* Keep giving - it may take a long time before he responds positively
* Only be positive - never nag about this

There are natural supplements that help both your heart and your "blood flow", but you both have to want to take them. These include: Vitamin D3, Vitamin K2, Omega-3, Zinc, Magnesium and Maca.

If you or he are interested to make significant changes, search for these sites and explore:

Mercola - Search for Testosterone or Libido
Anabolicmen - Search for diet & foods that boost Testosterone
Dr Axe - Search for Libido

I hope that this helps

iI am having a wonderful sex life just now, been divorced a long time 35 years, had a few boyfriends in the past, but for the last ,cant remember how long havent had any sex life, at 74 i have met a wonderful man, who i was attreacted to instantly, never expected to feel like this again, hes 70, but a very fit 70, and i am told i look younger than my age,
We have a wonderful very active sex life, i feel so lucky
I did miss it before but couldnt be bothered to go out and meet anyone found him by chance walking the dog,
So get a dog, and see how many men you meet, its rarely women who seem to dog walk
We both feel like teenagers again

Coolgran65 I think you have absolutely summed it up in a nutshell.

samsgran your post is so sad, I really feel for you. Isn't it possible to tell your DH how you feel, so that at least he would show you affection, even if you're not physically intimate?

Wtg valeriej43.