No regrets? Or too many to mention ?

I have also been reminded that what you say or do and how others interprete it can be very different. anxiousgran, you have yourself said that your DC have no memory of all these wrong things you think you have done.

I have had very clear evidence of this the other way round. DD once turned to me and listed a whole lot of things I did or didn't do in her teenage years that I should or shouldn't have done. I was easily able to quote evidence to disprove one of the items she mentioned and when I discussed this with DH and DS they both disagreed with several of her comments, citing chapter and verse, and also commented that DD, at the time, refused to let me do some of the things she was now saying I failed to do.

Now, I am not setting myself up as the perfect mother. I wasn't, but it was an example of how imperfect memory and understanding, at the time and in retrospect can be.

The hardest person to forgive is yourself. I have so many regrets, over how badly I treated my wonderful wife, when we were young. Through my bad temper and alcoholism. When I finally cut out the drink, I became a better husband and father, but I will never be blue to overcome the regrets I have. I know, as I've been trying for years to do it. My wife is gone now and I'll never have the chance to tell her again, how much I love her and how sorry I am. My regrets will be with me to my grave. If your with someone you love, think twice before you give them, a harsh word. Every one of them, will haunt you for the rest of your life.

Any mother who tells you she got it all right is either a liar or delusional.

None of us gets it all right, but we do the best we can and cannot be expected to do more. Also what works for one child doesn't work for another.

anxiousgran you clearly have children who love and care for you. What more could you want? If they do not remember the events that so distress you, it means that they were really not important and count for nothing.

What you need to find out is why you are suffering from these obsessive thoughts. Go to your GP, I would be concerned that you seem to connect all these things with 'shame'. You have done nothing to be ashamed of.

anxiousgran

Your sons don't remember so there is no need to feel guilty - unfortunately perhaps we do remember where we went wrong or what we could have done better. However, what you said or did could not have been that bad or else they would be filled with anger and resentment now.
They sound as if they love you - hold on to that thought.

Children do have the ability to make us exasperated and I am envious of anyone who has managed to bring up their DC without later having thoughts of what a better mother they could have been.

Annie, thanks for sharing too, my regret is that when I and my best friend were 19, I slept with her fiance, it was totally out of character for me, I was a virgin at the time, and he turned up at my house the night before the wedding, drunk, saying he didn't love my friend, I feel so ashamed about that. she never found out, but every opportunity he had, he'd try to see me. I eventually moved to another city, and my friend couldn't understand why I left, that was 30 years ago now. If she ever bumps into any of my family, she still asks after me. It eats away at me every day. I've heard that they divorced because of his infidelity about 10 years ago. I would never contact my friend to tell her what happened, I don't think it would do anything except cause pain, so I will keep that secret.

Thanks all of you for putting the messages for me. I have apologised to my sons in the past and they have laughed and told me not to be silly. I think I'm getting too guilty to bring it up with them again.
I have been thinking of going to my GP as I'm too ashamed to actually put it into words to tell DH or friends. I'm not sure what my GP will make of me though. Perhaps I could find a help line somewhere so I don't have to face anyone.
Just typing this to gransnetters has helped a bit and I was relieved this morning when I read other people have such guilt.
Since writing it here has helped, I may well try your suggestion mumofmadboys

ANXIOUSGRAN thank you for the flowers and I hope you can get some help for your feelings of guilt,though to me it sounds as though you have nothing to be guilty about.We all lose our patience with our children from time to time and say something we wished we hadn't and thankfully it does them no harm whatsoever.Sometimes we magnify problems and then they consume our every waking hour.Go see your GP about your feelings and I'll keep you in my thoughts until you let us know you're OK

Anxiousgran, have you considered going for counselling? It seems to me that if you are punishing yourself for things your children cannot even remember that your thoughts and behaviour have gone beyond the 'having regrets' stage. As mumofmadboys says, you may be suffering from depression. I would definitely go and talk to your GP. A short course of CBT may help.

There is no such thing as a perfect mum ( and don't we all know it!!)

Anxiousgran - you say your children cannot remember the incidents. Could you apologise to them and say you wish you had been a (even) better mum when they were little. Also perhaps when you are by yourself write down the 'crimes' as you see them and burn them on the fire or in a tin in the garden to signify they are gone forever. If the thoughts recur try and think of something else. Could you be depressed? If things don't improve please see your GP.xx

Thanks Dannirae, also for thoughts from grannylyn and travelsafar. I think I'm meting out my own punishment, just don't know how to stop it. Perhaps guilt is part of the package of being a mother.

ANXIOUSGRAN i really feel for you, the mind is a powerful tool and somethings it just wont let us forget. I have thoughts which go round and round my head especially at night when i am trying to sleep. Is this our punishment for something done years ago???

Obviously I regret being a drunk for 20 years, been sober for over 30; still castigate myself for the way my kids spent their childhood but when we discuss it they insist I was a great Mother and they were happy!

anxiousgran I have just read your post and it made me sad to think of you feeling like this. Maybe you need to speak to someone. I am guessing a GransNetter with more experience of these things than me will post a reply on here and, hopefully, be able to give you some 'proper' helpful advice. Meanwhile I send you my best wishes and a {{hug}} xx

paddy ann I'm sending you It is strange that this has come up. I'm a bit late looking at this thread, but I have exactly the same feelings, and even after nearly 40 years I have been worrying about incidents recently, crying and not being able to sleep. None of them really were massive crimes and no hurt was done really, but I cannot forgive myself for them. Most of them were things I said to my sons when they were children, and they don't even remember them. Even thoughts I had make me feel guilty.

It has got to the stage that even being around children and pregnant women is painful, and I have given up helping at a local play group.

I realise this post is bit long and late, may not be read, but it has made me feel better for typing it.

Love to all you other gransnetters who feel the same, in fact to you all.

There are many things i regret, most of all i regret the hurt I may have or have caused other people, i beat myself up over that all the time and it disturbs my sleep and my thoughts can become obsessive about how bad i was at a certain time in my life. If only, if only.......

I've been pissed a couple of times I shouldn't have, and really regret it although it's such a long time ago!

I was chatting with my three children and they got around to talking about disappointments. My youngest(now in his 50's) said his biggest disappointment happened when he was about five. Together with his siblings they were building a rocket in the shed, to go to the moon.
It was only when the eight year-old started talking about 'Re-entry burn out' and the need for heat shields
that he realised that maybe they wouldn't be going.
That disappointment out did everything else that life has thrown at him.
Made me wonder if we all expect too much of ourselves. We did the best we could with the information we had at the time.

'If only' are the worst 2 words in the English language. My only regret is that I would have liked to have ridden a horse on a beach! Otherwise I've learned from things I've done wrong and after worrying and crying for a bit, have moved on. Some things can't be changed so it's not worth spending time with regrets.

My biggest regret is that I did not stand up to my bullying stepfather when I was young. He was a truly dreadful man, who knocked Mum about too, and as I have only recently discovered, much worse to my siblings. I was absolutely terrified of him.
To cut a long story short:
I finally stood up to him when I was in my thirties, having not seen him for several years.
He tried to bully me again, shouting at me and poking his finger into my chest.
I completely flipped.
All the anger that had built up, suddenly came to the surface.
I screamed back at him at the top of my voice, I used swear words that I would never have dreamed of using, and yes, I poked him back in the chest too, and hard.
I could not believe his reaction. He stepped away from me. At last, the bully was getting a taste of his own medicine.
He threatened to call the Police.
Without mentioning the expletives that I used, I told him to do so.
Guess what, he didn't.
I never had any more problems with him after that.

Good for you Legs55! A fantastic attitude, thanks for sharing!

Regrets at not taking opportunities that came my way ...but overall I would steal the song My Way ..a funeral favourite as well as Edith Piaff last week at a funeral of a neighbour here Non,je n'regrette n' rien ' which is a wonderful way of looking at life

Don't feel guilty about things that happened in the past as in not being able to say sorry ...instead remember the good and positive things

Nothing that I really regret just mistakes I've made. If I hadn't married my 1st H I wouldn't have met my 2nd H. My 2nd H is my DD's F, he walked out on us when DD was 5 years old.

My 2nd H leaving spurred me on to go to College, there through a friend I made I met my beloved DH (no 3), I had 23 fantastic years with him, 21 of those married. My life has had many twists & turns.

I couldn't wish for my life to be better now, still miss my DH 4 years on, now living near my DD & DGS & making new friends.

So no regrets just mistakes & making the best of life

Lady Penelope, I took up the piano again in my 60s, had only ever passed grade 2 at about 10 yrs old. It had been so long I virtually to start again from scratch. (I used the Carol Barratt classical,piano course for adult beginners, in case anybody might be interested)
I think your brain can adapt - establish new pathways. Mine has certainly had to! I have come a long way in maybe 4 and a half years - playing grade 5 pieces for some time and have just embarked on a lovely G6, something I never even imagined a few years ago, when even G2 pieces seemed so daunting.
But it's been slow, and there's no doubt that it takes me longer to learn things than when I was a child.
I have been going to group lessons for maybe 4 years now - though didn't have the nerve until I'd been at it again for about a year - it's a local adult education class, and that's been good.
Among other things, I do regret giving up the piano at 11. Can't even really think why now, except that lessons were at junior school, and maybe it was too difficult once I changed schools. Maybe it didn't occur to my folks to find another teacher.

I have several really big regrets. Starting my first diet when I was 12 (have battled with my weight ever since). Allowing my mother to bully me, even when an adult and married (I have only stood up to her in the past 2 years). Taking the job that I did for 10 years before I retired (it destroyed my mental health and has left me with a legacy of acute anxiety). But I have also had lots of really good things happen to me!!