Help with a friend who has dementia

My mother has vascular dementia which has a slow progression - for over 13 years now. She has just become more and more quiet. We talk to her about things that happened in the past and in her youth which she picks up on and can remember well but she will hardly ever instigate a conversation. Never ask "what would you like to eat or do" - be specific - make suggestions i.e. Shall we have a sandwich or a cup of coffee - but more than two choices is a no no.

Expect things to be repeated over and over - we are all used to it now and NEVER say "you just said that" !!
Mum says - "don't ask me any questions - because I don't know the answers"!! Very good strategy Mum.

There have been so many good suggestions and sadly a lot I can't use because I am not related. I have to consider the family but I sense that she is contented and doesn't like questions and I have to change my own behaviour.

After 30 years of saving up things to tell her for us to laugh about, I now have to say nothing. She is bilingual like me and we speak English but she has children and grsndchildren who all speak German and she is still managing that. It seems to be her coordination which is failing, more her motoric sense.
I no longer go out to lunch alone with her as she so easily falls.
You are all so kind and I have noted a book to buy and will google some info. I feel I can carry on. She loved my cat but he has now died and he would have been such a help with her! Its all so sad, and so much more so for a lot on GN who are caring for family members and even husbands and wives.

My husband had a rare dementia (Posterior Cortical Atrophy) and he died of it 2 years ago at the age of 71 after 15 years. There wasn't a lot of help for us, but now there are Dementia Friends Information sessions being offered by Alzheimer's Society trained Champions all over England and Wales. I have undertaken training to become a Dementia Champion and I can honestly say that I just love doing the sessions. People, even GPs and other clinical personnel, have said how useful it is. Just go online www.dementiafriends.org.uk and enter your postcode to find a Dementia Friends session near you. It only takes an hour. You will learn a lot more about dementia and the small ways you can help as well as sources of further help. Almost 2 million people have participated in a Dementia Friends course in the UK. If you are lucky, you may also live in an area which has a Dementia Action Alliance which will have further resources www.dementiaaction.org.uk. There are over 300 local DAAs. In addition, your local library might hold a 'Reading Well Dementia Collection' which will have many books about dementia and for people with dementia (e.g. reminiscence photo books). Good luck with your friend and her husband.

My mum had dementia and I learned not to disagree with her even if she said something that was absolutely wrong. It is kinder to just agree with everything, no matter how daft. Twiddle muffs hadn't been thought of then but I have read about twiddle bags as well and they seem like a good idea.

My friend got dementia and my experience with my mother helped when I visited her. My friend always recognised me and was pleased to see me. I used to think of daft stories to tell her and she enjoyed them. If I ran out of things to say, I just repeated them and she laughed again.

My Mom no longer can hold a conversation and I find glossy magazines help. We look through one together and admire the clothes or faces even the adverts will bring a comment. Ones with lots of royal family pictures or babies work for us but that's what she was interested in. It passes half an hour and is easier for me too.

I have mentioned this on other threads, Admiral Nurses deal specifically with people with dementia and their carers. It may help your friend's husband to talk to one of the nurses who supports carers.

Music. A friend who is training as a mental health nurse told me she went to a session for dementia suffers where they sang songs from their younger days. Everyone was uplifted and enjoyed themselves, including my friend. My be a cd from the 60's or a favourite musical and I love songs we sang at school.

it seems that the NHS has got alot of support for dementia sufferers, I have no idea what Germany offers except care. I know that sufferers used not to be thought worthy of the financial support that all sick old people in Germany get but they have now altered the rules and from this year they will be assessed and get some money and help.

She could not live alone but as yet I haven't heard that her family have applied for an assessment

This thread has helped me to accept her as she is. She was never one for hobbies or joining clubs and societies. We were very close and just enjoyed each other's company. We went on holiday in the Uk especially London together and I could talk about that. I think I have to accept the situation and grieve for the friend I have lost.

The most important thing to remember is that you are a friend and she will understand that, even if she is confused a bout most everything else. Alles gut und viel gluck.