Hormonal Teenager v Grumpy Pensioner - help needed

I may be wrong, of course, but to actually go on a site and actually have to ask such a question then i think its a pretty done deal. he's and arse.

Of course, not all men dictate. Some are caring and understanding, and do their best.

As Ruby said...... at age 12/13 hormones kick in, attitudes develop and teens can be just darned difficult.
Certainly for about 4 or 5 years mine just thought he knew it all ..... but the teen years eventually pass ... mine studied long and hard and is now a Ph.d

thank you ruby! we do rock. we don't let a man dictate, double rock

It sounds like you did a wonderful job with your son SAAK. We do rock as single parents. I totally agree! for you.

My son is a fantastic person. He never ever had to get in-between me and another person. I have seen it so many times before, blended families as we call them now. Its not realistic and such a terrible situation for the children. I kept my son away from that. I brought my son up and never ever allowed anyone else to dictate what things would be due to "wanting a man". He is now doing a math degree, very balanced and very loving. Single parents rock.

To give a child of 12 years old the power over you to make you think of leaving your husband is terrible. It's different if she was getting abused, but arguing is normal and, like I said before, be nipped in the bud. She is having far too much influence over her mum's marriage. Would she be happy if they split and then her mum was unhappy single for years to come? She has been happy with her step dad up to now, it's the hormones kicking in and that would happen with a teen's biological dad too, not because he is her step dad.

Holdthetonic Are you unhappy in your marriage, personally, apart from this with your daughter? Because if you are happy enough, then you have to ride this wave. She will be stroppy no matter if you are together or on your own but at least still married, you have someone to confide in, even if he is having trouble himself with dealing with her. They need to find some common ground and leaving them to it sometime might do them good instead of being there to be the go between all the time.

Just a note, my children have never wanted me to be with anyone else since my divorce, even though my ED didn't want me to be with her dad anymore. I have been single now for over 10 years. Now I am living on my own a romance would be nice but I have put it on hold for a very long time. My son would still not be too happy but it's hard luck now, it's my life and if I want someone special in it now, then I will do. Children cannot rule what we do. We can take their feelings into consideration, but ultimately, as long as they are not being abused, then they cannot tell us how to live our lives, it is far too much power, in my opinion.

My parents were at loggerheads most of their marriage but it wasn't my decision to make to have them split up.

I will never ever advocate a step mother or step father over facing an actual parent.

I also never think a man should overface a love for a child, so a stepfather needs to butt out of this. Go fish, go do whatever and never ever compromise a child, they come first. If an adult can't see this then they have no right to say a word and need to be dumped. Im all for kids and will never ever say any different.

I consider you pretty young too then
But I am not so old that I've forgotten what it is like to deal with teenagers and with there being a gap between oldest and youngest it seemed to go on for ever.

maybe its because Im in the middle ground at my age? I consider myself pretty young but not so, if you see what I mean, Im beyond nappies and school now but still have very strong views. Not so much out there for 50s. Its ether too young or too old.

Reading all the other sensible advice I don't think it's me that is out of step

No problem, just that your posts sometimes reflect those on MN!

You are entitled to your views, and so am I.
That's what the OP asked for - different views
And advice and wisdom from Gransnetters

I looked at joining mumsnet at one point to be fair but found it a bit young for me. Im in my 50's so joined this instead. is that a problem?

Are you a mumsnetter saak?

I find you wrong in this Jalima.

saak he is just arguing with a rude and truculent teenager and doesn't want to take the role her father should be undertaking ie parents' evenings etc. That is hardly a reason to leave him.

Surely you can enjoy some mother/daughter outings to the cinema etc holdthetonic - why does he have to go?

A child wins? where are you coming from jalima? Most men will marry a woman with a tiny child, the minute it gets difficult due to not actually being their parent the man decides that he needs to rule over the mother and the child. Id advise this woman to get shot of him.

He sounds as if he has been a kind and caring step-father for ten years, your DD has just started the difficult teenage years which he is finding hard to deal with. It may be up to you to tell her that her behaviour towards her step-father is unacceptable - teenagers do need boundaries to kick against - and advise him not to react to her.

If you leave him then she will have won and could become even more sure that rudeness, nastiness etc wins the day which will not be good for her in the future.

No man is worth a rift with a child. None.

As I said earlier - thanks for the advice it's all v useful food for thought.

Stepfathers are not fathers and it usually comes to the fore now. My sister left her husband when her daughter was 13 due to his total lack of compassion and military stance.

I don't know why some of that got deleted

DH thinks that young people go into a tunnel between the ages of 12 and about 20

I don't think a step-father needs to go to parents' evenings etc unless step-daughter really wants him there.

Why not look for a job yourself as someone else suggested - after all, if you do move out with your DD then you will have to find work.
He must be finding living with a stroppy teenager a bit of a trial. I used to get fed up of being 'piggy-in-the-middle' between DH and the DC when they were teenagers too.

DH thinks that young people go into - they listen to nothing and nothing you say or do is right - so only another 7 years to go!! It would be better if he didn't descend to a teenage level when responding to her but remembered that he is the adult in the situation.

Good luck.

My thoughts exactly, thatbags.

You say you're 'stuck in the middle' holdthetonic but you shouldn't be - she's your daughter and you seem to be letting her talk to her stepdad in whatever way she likes.

Do you really think threatening to leave will solve the problem...?