Matriarchal family or not?

Me neither, Jalima! My dad's mum was a matriarch through and through - we all called her mother and we all adored her. She was tiny and her word was law, but she was very loving, not a bully at all. She came from quite a well to do family and her husband, who loved the bones of her, was the horsekeeper at the local pit, so perhaps he felt he'd done well to get her. I've heard that if she even mentioned she'd like anything - a new dress, say - he'd have half a dozen delivered for her perusal and encourage her to keep the lot.

I should be so lucky.

Yep! Money talks!!

Oh, she didn't have money, merlotgran! Her three brothers got all of that!

H is like that. I've learnt not to pass comment on things I like when out shopping as I know his response will be "buy it" We will then row discuss the fact that I don't want it.
If I mention decorating his response is "chose the paint and we'll do it" It's never more than two or three weeks before he starts.
I do sometimes wish he was a bit more in charge.

The DH and I have a very equal marriage and we divvy up the tasks, responsibilities and chores so we each decide and do in the areas suited to us. having said that, on the neutral ground we fight like cats and dogs. We generally hammer out something that suits both parties. I think this constant bickering is what keeps us going and I suppose we could pretend it was rational debate based on evidence. Nevertheless, I suspect it is an ongoing fight to be top dog, however temporary.

I suppose my family is matriarchal. My mum's mum was widowed at quite a young age so was. always very independent. My dad's dad was about but didn't contribute much, he always seemed to be hiding behind his newspaper! It was my gran who organised everything. My mum wasn't openly in charge but she usually got her own way. I've brought up 3 boys on my own. They do seem to go for very independent, strong women and I now have a very opinionated GD who likes to organise everything.

My DM, myself & DD are all strong, independent women who have "held the purse strings" but had very good marriages. My DH was very easy going but still had firm views, he was no pushover.

My grandma on my mum's side was a very strong woman. She had to be as she had quite a hard life . She was definitely the glue that kept our family together. Her strength didn't pass down to my mum though as she was always the "little woman" and liked it that way. My dad always having to have the final say and make all the "important" decisions.

My mum only had one opinion on anything and that was my dad's opinion.

Whilst I don't think I am by any means a strong person I have inherited my grandma's way of being able to keep everyone together and to sort family problems. I am always the one who does the "looking after" just as my grandma did.

Just a pity I couldn't sort myself out now and again.

If I mention decorating his response is "chose the paint and we'll do it"


Me: 'Where/when shall we go on holiday?'
DH: 'I don't know, you decide and sort it then point me in the right direction' (then moans because he had 'an important meeting' right in the middle of it )

I just wish he would sort out a lovely holiday and point me in the right direction .....

We each do what we're best at and leave it at that. I'm not interested in the bills or correspondence, making arrangements, or purchasing. So I don't. I enjoy behind the scene work and my AC and GC needs, so I dither on that bit.

My mother is definitely a controlling matriarch, my DF just lets her run and control things. He cant say no to her. As a AC, I am a rare example of someone who can say no to her and live .

I prefer more equal relationships, as did both my grandmothers - one of my grandfathers even did housework, in days when it just wasn't done, they both worked full time.

I taught my DS to listen and discuss with his wife/partner. he definitely lets DiL run the whole show.

I think equality of discussion, household and finance decisions, time and childcare decisions, is the best way to go for a happy marriage.

Just saying!

My worst nightmare. If I didn't respect a lover, boyfriend or spouse he'd be gone. Never wanted to boss one.

I do not see why matriarchy means not respecting a partner or bossing one. If it does anyone not living in a matriarchal relationship must be living in a patriarchal one.

I think it should be equal really.. not sure anyone should "rule the roost"

I'm far too laid back to be a matriarch. Sounds like a lot of hard work to me. I wouldn't know where to start.

at merlot.

Exactly!

It's not our style - we talk about everything!!

Not our style other.
However, character traits can be different without having to resort to the matriarchal/patriarchal identifications. OH is quieter in a bemused scholarly way. I am more energetic, outgoing, enthusiastic, so ideas/projects usually initiate with me but nothing is done without equal support , if not always input( esp. financial matters).

DS and DD1 like their dad. DD2 exactly like me but with twice the ideas and energy. DD3, the best mixture of her parents.

I had an matriarchal paternal grandmother and her five DLs had a hellish time under her thumb, including my mum.

I don't think living in a matriarchy precludes discussion, or respect. My DH has many good qualities and I respect him totally but only one of us is decisive.

We have always joked that he couldn't make a decision to save his life and he is aware of that as am I so we found a level that works for us. I don't consider him not my equal .

I certainly don't 'rule the roost' but I do make 99% of the decisions- on the other hand I don't do DIY , put the bins out or do much gardening Its all about talent in our house .

Oops typos: either/ a matriarchal

I'm sure our DS would say 'yes, definately' but I wouldn't say so and I'm sure Mr. S. wouldn't think so either.

We both draw on one another's strengths and support one another's weaknesses. I'd say I'm more decisive in general but I couldn't get him to do something he was against doing, and wouldn't want too anyway.