What weird phrases do you use?

I haven't read all these through but surely we've just had a very recent thread on a very similar theme, because I remember my hair being straight as a yard of pump water, being dragged through a hedge backwards which made me look like the wreck of the 'Esperus, and going to the foot of our stairs ........

I know and use most of these, I remember a boyfriend 50 years ago talking about Fred Carno's Circus - eventually I worked out what he meant. My Dad used to call weak tea "mazee wahter tea" (probably not polite to explain here.) When it's difficult to get people to do something its "like herding cats" and occasionally someone is "mad as a bucket of frogs" (tho' I've never seen a bucket of frogs.
I wonder if other languages do the same?

When someone has very bowed legs we would say "couldn't stop a pig in a passage". Another saying is "the pot calling the kettle black".

My Mum was scared of thunder storms and my Dad was determined I wouldn't be. When there was a storm he would carry me to the front doorstep and we would watch "David moving the furniture round" or "God taking his boots off". It always puzzled me that I couldn't actually SEE David and that God must have very big feet - but I'm not afraid of storms.

My Dad used to use a lot of those expression, though it was always 'dark over Will's mother's'. He also used some Cockney rhyming slang. One I especially remember was Gnats (pee) for weak tea.

My mother used to say of a woman with big legs, "They're like the outposts of the Empire!" which I always thought was cruel.

Not mine, but l remember my mam telling me about when she'd been out for a bar meal with my cousin. Apparently a woman on the table next to them had got a mixed grill, and my mam described it as "having everything but a monkey" on it....

If someone was standing in the way of the TV or something else my late husband wanted to see he'd say, ' You make a better door than a window!' Translated: Shift!

To give an alternative to an earlier post, "a face like a bulldog licking piss off a stinging nettle"!

My mother would describe a face with over heavy use of black eyeliner and mascara as 'like two burnt holes in a blanket' and a large lady's bottom from behind, 'like two boys fighting in a sack!' She wasn't known for being PC.

As a child, if I asked what's for dinner/tea, the answer came 'if it goes round you'll get some'.

I had one but the wheels came off !!

If someone's got bow legs. he/she wouldn't stop a pig.
Another, she's got a face that would stop a clock.
(Both unkind ones really)

This has been a brilliant thread. Found myself chuckling.
Just thought of another one. When something turns out right it's Lovely Jubely.

When it rained heavily my lovely Grandma used to say Nice day for ducks.

and Up the wooden hill - when it was time for bed.