Empathy

Almost all of the messages showed me that others felt exactly what I was feeling, Monica, which was sadness. One spoke of a 'mum shaped hole' left when our mums die: spot on, for me, exactly how I felt, but above and beyond that, each and every person spoke of their own sadness, in response to mine. Sadness is something we can all empathise/sympathise with, although of course it is different to each of us.

I was taught that to understand the difference between sympathy and empathy you imagine someone in a hole to deep for them to get out. Sympathy is getting in the hole with them and sharing the experience, empathy is working out how to get someone out of the hole by understanding their experience.

I found it a useful way of looking at it.

Should say both are appropriate at different times.

As I understand it empathy is the imaginative ability to place oneself in another's shoes and sympathy is the positive way one responds to the hurts of another. Perhaps the difference between one and the other is connected with the point at which one's thoughts intervene in the spontaneous feelings which arise at others' trouble.

I agree with other posters on this thread who say that while one can empathise with others it is not always in their interests to offer unconditional support. To create a 'victim mentality' in the mind of an unfortunate often robs them of volition, resolution and the independence which will do them most good in the long run. I suppose I am talking about the issue of 'learned dependency'.

Additionally, there is a degree of contempt in the concept of pity (there but for the grace of God go I) while sympathy offered rationally is between equals.

It's very strange, when I worked with vulnerable people, sympathy was almost a dirty word, as far as supporting them was concerned.
We were always told that empathy was the way to go!
Its probably changed now, anyway.

Haven't had time to read all the latest posts so apologies if I repeat. My feeling is that empathy has a much bigger dimension to it than straight sympathy. The latter is more intellectual & we can give sympathy for an event or loss without having or showing any true understanding of the emotions involved.
I think with empathy for another person, it is first necessary to have the empathy to understand you need to sit with them, listen knowing when & how to intervene, & understand fully from their viewpoint rather than just projecting one's own feelings on to a situation. As a bereaved mother I've learned that no bereavement is alike because the people & situation are so different but because of my experience I do have the courage to hear someone else's horror about what it is like for them. I also think it is something you feel in your body without even trying. Some people with certain neuro conditions, or on that spectrum, do not feel empathy & that lack is part of the diagnosis. You cannot engage with them by appealing to their emotions & they won't be affected by seeing or hearing about anyone elses's plight. I can think of one very big example of this in the news at present but also there are many in positions of power in the Boardroom & public sector. Lack of empathy means you can forge your career ahead regardless of others. The most useful empathetic people are those wise & skilled enough to assess when their empathy is too much about their own unreaolved experiences. I believe empathetic people are made that way but training & experience can help deepen & improve what empathy they have & know how to use it wisely.

I would put the two almost the other way round, not "Sympathy is getting in the hole with them and sharing the experience, empathy is working out how to get someone out of the hole by understanding their experience." but "empathy is sharing the experience and feeling it with them, sympathy is knowing how they feel and understanding why."

Working out how to get them out of the hole can, at a pinch, be done without the use of either, just common sense and logic and tact. Sympathy and/or empathy softens the impact of the logical and sensible advice on how to proceed, which is sometimes at odds with what is comfortable to do.

That in answer to *GG2" at 09:18:25.

I have just reread Penstemmon original question , which was 'do you think you find it easy to feel empathy ' I would say I think that I along with many others do feel empathy for other people's situation/suffering, but have found that alot do not have that much compassion &therefore do not 'feel for or understand another's suffering ' especially in the wider setting of today's unsettled political & economical climate

You are right to add compassion into the mix norose4 because without that people can empathise with a situation/person and then forget about it. Compassion is more likely to prompt a response.

Thank you Penstemmon, and for raising a thought provoking subject.

Elegran I could easily have got it the wrong way round, that's just my memory of what I was told. Some days I am so deeply involved in both sympathy and empathy - whichever way round they are - that I have ceased to care. Most days I still like to understand but some are just about getting on with it.

Yes, I do empathise with others....to a point. When people get themselves in a mess I am there ready to help in any way I can. But when they continue to make the same mess over and over I lose patience.

I never say, and hate to hear other people say 'Cheer up it might never happen' because it may well have happened already and that is why the person looks and feels miserable.

As the Irish say 'A smile never broke a tooth'! I try and smile or say something friendly to people I see in the street or shops. It costs nothing and it might make others feel they are not invisible after all.

My son had a brilliant idea. When he was at University he told me that when he goes in to a supermarket he finds 'buy one get one free' items he needs, then gives the 'free' one to someone who is homeless. There are lots of those kind of people in UK now so it is a good idea I think.