Looking after Mum

Think of the very worst it could be and tick off everything that goes better than expected as a bonus. This is about you not mum, you are being a fabulous sister, give yourself credit for that.

You are also being a good daughter, favourite or not......doesn't make any difference, you are still being lovely.

Something wonderful may yet happen.........

Looking after my MiL some years ago I can recall a particular time when I testily asked another family member "Who takes care of the carers?".
When you have low moments whilst you are with your Mum Olene, remember that you are not only caring for her but for your sister too.
There is both sound advice & a huge amount of support to be had here...... you will always be welcomed.

Do think about making contact with the Alzheimer's Society, GracesGranMk2 I volunteer for them and I am so impressed with the help and support they can offer from practical help to good suggestions to make life easier.

Oh Kitty, I cannot imagine how that feels - I know I am so lucky Mum still remembers who I am although she has to reach for my name occasionally. She has 'lost' other family members though. I often think the idea that people don't remember is not a good description it is more that bits of memory are lost and that is why some strange thoughts happen. It a leap of logic with a gap in the middle so no guidance to make it go in the right direction. It must be so frightening.

I haven't been in direct contact with the Alzheimer's Society but do go on their forum. I rarely post but sometimes knowing others are dealing with the same thing - although I wish they didn't have to - helps.

Olene you have opened a very useful thread I think thank you and do come back once you are settle in over here.

Good luck with this Olene - your sister will be very grateful for the break.

I can strongly identify with your dilemma. My relationship with my mother was very far from what either of us would have wished and it was very painful to "lose" her to dementia before she actually died - there were about 2 years when she was "there but not there" and it was painful to know that, although she was sitting in front of me and was still alive, she was unable to communicate and was very demented indeed, so no chance to mend any fences. A tough time for me - I have no idea how it was for her. I was in pieces at one point as my domineering mother had turned into a pathetic demented old lady.

I do know that this is hard for you - but life is a bugger sometimes and we just have to get on with it, as you are doing - so well done.

GracesGranMK2, I assume you in contact with Alzheimer's Society? I am evangelical about their outreach workers.

I agree with your counter argument to Trisher's comment. Totally different!

I've had a 'good' afternoon with my mum - she only told me twice that she only has one daughter and she never visits!

Have just got back from Mum's. One not so good bit - the doctor arrived and went minutes before I got there although I arrived earlier than the window I had been told. That's useful then as she will have told him there is no problem and she is fine. Bless her she doesn't want to be a problem. Lovely receptionist will find out for me if he has prescribed anything for her. The last time they did this Boots kindly delivered it and mum was taking them, forgetting she had done so and taking another couple just in case. I feel like shouting in the doctor's ear SHE HAS ALZHEIMER'S. All those supporting someone will know how believable our relatives can be - because they believe - but you would think a doctor would understand.

Good bit was the wheelchair I have spent the last few weeks sorting out arrived with a nice man (who got the challenges) to show us how to use it. It will make a huge difference as mum is unable to even contemplate walking to the car with her walker now so it has been impossible to take her out. She did manage Christmas Day but my ability to think I had done the wrong thing kicked in hard when I saw how difficult it was for her. Getting this sorted makes me wonder, yet again, how people who have no support from family or friends manage at all let alone with a good quality of life.

TriciaF this idea is wheeled out with monotonous regularity. You have given no comparison. What percentage of people were looked after at home? What does 'most' mean? With a life expectancy for a man of 60 what percentage of 'children' were ever in the position to think about whether or not they could do this. How many elderly poor ended up in the workhouse as the only way they could get medical care. Now I have got through today I truly believe we are doing a brilliant and amazing job (until the next time I feel I have not done well enough ).

Believe me Olene, you will do fine. You will be there and you care.

Perhaps find out if there any any dementia drop ins or dementia cafes around before you go up, so if things do get difficult you've got somewhere to go for a bit of support

Good luck

ps I forgot to add, Bon Courage Olene! It will be hard but you'll be so glad you did it afterwards.
T.

It's hard to believe now, but up to about ?100 years ago most elderly people were cared for within their own families.
It was usually an extended family though, so several people shared the care.

I worked as a carer for years, and gave up to look after my own mum
Its a difficult, thankless and emotionally hard job; harder than I had imagined, for both myself and my mum.
Having support is essential, I think. Somewhere to have a moan..

No you wouldn't, Stansgran, you'd do your best just like everyone else.

To be honest I think you are all saints. My DM died when I was in my thirties so I never had this to deal with and I admire all those carers paid or unpaid. I know I would be rubbish.

I think I said that - just up there ^^!

And, no-one said they got it right all the time but were offering their advice which was what was asked for!

Now, I'm off to see my mum!!

To all the saints on here who never get the words wrong or miss-time the stage a parent is at this week - well done. Most of us do the best we can - not coming out with the right diversion on all occasions and sometimes just feel hurt by what is said to them. Of course the care of the parent is always uppermost but I hope Olene that you understand that we are all human too - and that's OK.

vampire, me too! I think I've achieved it with my girls but I'm still surprised that they like me enough.

Good post, absent and I'm sorry you didn't have your sister's support.

The main thing to remember is not to confront and go with the flow. People living with dementia have their own truth and, in reality, most things aren't important enough to stress over.

I was never my mum's favourite but, having accepted that, I can agree with most of what mum says about my much better brothers.

I wouldn't agree that you shouldn't listen to anything your mum says about your sister - just don't believe it or pass it on - unless you have the kind of relationship with your sister where you can laugh together about it. Laughter has brought my brothers and I much closer during this time with mum.

Why is your mum undiagnosed? There is loads of help available people who have a formal diagnosis.

And, remember you are only human!

I looked after my Mama for the last five years of her life, during which time her physical and mental health deteriorated. Dementia crept in and I did as advised here, so when she thought I was her younger sister, I played along quite happily. However, what I would say Olene is that you probably do not fully realise how relieved and, probably, grateful your sister must feel about getting a break. However much you love them, caring for an elderly parent is exhausting and emotionally draining as, unlike when caring for children, you know that your loved one is only going to get worse and, eventually, die. Think of this as an act of sisterly love and kindness. I wish that my sister had been loving enough to help me and our mother. I hope all goes well and the experience is not too trying.

Thank you everyone. Waiting to board my flight now.
My stomach is in knots.
I will keep you updated and use this thread for support, and possibly a moan or two. That'd be a great help. Secret/private sounding board!

My friend's DM was not very kind to my friend who looked after her every day, and when the other sister came over to look after her to give her sister a break she did nothing but grumble about my friend who was there for her all the time.
Don't fall into the trap of listening and agreeing if she says anything about your sister.
Otherwise, just keep smiling and think of the break that your DS must need so much.

Yes, come back on here and have a moan - it may help!

I didn't think you were tanith. Olene had said she had a difficult relationship with her mother in the past and I was just offering another idea. I know I would find it difficult to hear the 'advice' that I "try not to argue/correct" - I know that is the best thing to do and I imagine others who are acting as main support to a relative do too. I was just acknowledging that it can be more difficult with a relative and that others in the same position understand and sympathise. It isn't about you or me it's about Olene. This is a big undertaking for her so surely we just need to be supportive - in whichever way we can.

Gracesgran I was not suggesting lying to Olene Mum but to merely go along with whatever she had said and not to try and argue/correct something said that was obviously wrong. Not really any different to you saying "oh right" even if it actually isn't 'right'.

It wasn't said harshly janeainsworth - I am sorry you read it that way.

That's a bit harsh, Gracesgran. Olene asked how others coped, Tanith responded from her own experience.....what's the problem?

This isn't 'people with dementia' tanith, it's Olene's mum and, although we all know we should agree the extra dimension to the relationship can make it difficult at times which is why I offered a tried and tested solution which has worked for me. Those of us looking after relatives are not trained carers nor are we as detached as we might be with a non-relative so these little ruses, which in my case is said very positively but knowing I am not lying to my mother, work.