Presents for grandchildren rejected

Did happygran go against their wishes? She was told so after she had given the presents, I think, although I have only skimmed most of the thread so might have missed some.
It's a bit sad that her son and daughter in law could not accept their children being given playdough and Lego.
They could have easily asked her to take some back to her house, for when the kids visited.
I agree with you, paperback, they are only little for a short time. None of mine want playdough any more. My eldest has just passed her driving test, but she's not getting what she wants.

Janesinsworth how am I going against their wishes? I wasn't issued with a set of rules lol.

Happygran
In your OP you wrote:
my son and daughter in law are very controlling with their children and want to approve every present in advance, this year I bought a few extra presents spontaneously

I interpreted that as meaning that although you knew that your son and his wife wanted to approve every present, you bought some extra ones that they didn't approve in advance.
The fact that they wanted to approve presents in advance further suggests to me that in the past you might have given presents that they didn't approve of or thought excessive.

..my son and daughter in law are very controlling with their children and want to approve every present in advance, this year I bought a few extra presents spontaneously..

From the OP's first post, so it seems she did know the parents' 'rules' beforehand.

x posts janeainsworth, sorry!

Lighten up a bit ja. We're talking Christmas here. Rules go out the window. I give my two a mountain of presents. Always have done. Never have I been upbraided for it. I am truly sad for you Happygran.

Bags Was predicting future rebellion here. I do not think this is good parenting. It's something else.

Janesinsworth yes they are very controlling and I would never buy something they wouldn't approve of but they but the very things that I bought themselves anyway. Shouldn't have been a problem.

Whether or not my son and dil were upset by the gifts they had no right to be so rude to me. Maybe I need to impose rules of my own.

Feel great sympathy for those Grans who have to have everything controlled by parents of DGC. We choose presents from the grandchildrens wish lists and a couple of presents that we choose ourselves for them.They had 6 presents each from us (not very expensive ones) and some money for their accounts.
I guess Happygran that you will have to abide by their rules if you want to continue having a good relationship, but it sucks all the joy out of things doesn't it?

Wasn't there an old saying about "Looking a gift horse in the mouth"? What happened to good old fashioned gratitude? What about looking through your children's older toys and encouraging them to give to charity if they have too much? Of course parents have rights but where do you draw the line? It does seem that the need to control every little thing is prevalent these days where children are concerned if you look at Mumsnet. I appreciate my mother asking me what they want if my children are still minors but if she chooses to buy something different, I tell my children there is a thing called gratitude. The only time I would be angry is if my mother knew I was going to buy something for my children so she snuck in buying it first. That has happened so I no longer tell her what my plans are.

bellsisabelle, on the miniscule amount of information we have about the young parents and their kids, I'm not willing to judge their parenting methods as good, bad or indifferent. In fact I think it's utterly foolish to even consider making such a judgment on the information we have, quite apart from not thinking home-schooling is necessarily a bad thing, and so on.

There have also been research results recently that suggest that parenting techniques are not as important as we think they are. I think it's part of the nature and nurture debate.

To put it more bluntly, we know bugger all about the parents in question so we have absolutely no right to judge them as parents.

We only have the OP's opinion about her son and dil's controllingness, for instance. The kids' ages are not mentioned in the OP and I can't remember if they are mentioned elsewhere in the thread, but if they are young children, I'd expect parents to be fairly controlling.

But we still don't actually know if they are more than usually controlling so we have no right to judge.

Isn't that the same on every thread?
Better not comment at all, then.
I got the impression that happygran was looking for a bit of sympathy, not a telling off for her poor grandparenting skills.

I sympathise with you happygran as had a similar experience. I bought my my two granddaughters eight presents each (they are my dd's children) they were not large presents ie book, sweets, something to wear. We were staying with them for xmas. Dgd's opened 5 presents xmas morning and I gave them the other 3 boxing morning. Sil was cross (understatement) and said I was undermining his parents as they buy one present and he wants his children to remember grandparents by "family time" and not how many presents that are bought for them. This was said in front if my 2 granddaughters. I was very hurt and upset at the time as didn't realise that my present buying angered dd and sil so much. I will get over it but it has left a bad taste.

One can feel sympathy for a person's hurt, dj, without accepting that it's as simple an issue as it might seem on such minimal information. The OP presumably knows her grandkids' parents quite well and yet, according to the story, did something that they disliked so much, even in the full knowledge (it seems from the OP) that they "like to approve every present"*, that her son spoke to her about it, apparently quite abruptly, as if he were really pissed off. I feel sympathy for the parents as well as for the gran and find the whole scenario quite odd.

* It isn't clear whether this present approving is supposed to take place before the gifts are given to the children, but that's how I interpreted it. My interpretation could be wrong.

No amount of grandparental hurt feeling will make me think it's okay to deliberately go against parents' wishes in the way that the story seems to be saying happened.

Happygran you gave your presents with love and the best of intentions. Your son was out of order in the way he spoke to you but you have taken his comments on board and hopefully next Christmas will pass peacefully. You could check with your son and dil if you could give gifts on other occasions in the year.

I do hope that we all remember that Christmas is about sharing our love and thanks with our family and friends and not a time to overload children with a vast amount of toys, sweets and chocolates. Ask yourselves if your grandchildren really need so many presents - many of which are never played with. Happy New Year

We can only comment on the information we are given on any thread. If you want just tea and sympathy then it's probably best to stick to the kitchen. I still think Happygran 's son was unnecessarily harsh. It's hardly the crime of the century is it.

It's easy to get carried away when there is so much in the shops for children these days - and we may have more disposable income than when our own DC were young.

I wonder what he would have said if she'd said 'I haven't bought anything for the DGC because they have so much these days'

No matter what the parents want, it was totally OTT of the son to make his mother feel she has 'ruined' their Christmas.

No matter what you say, thatbags, I think they sound freakily controlling. And, for that matter, rather lacking in human kindness.

Can good parenting come out of that?

My family know that I have no preconceptions of how a grandparent is supposed to behave, as mine were dead before I met them. So grandparenting was new to me.
If I know my grandchildren want something, I help them get it, either by buying or by giving money towards it if I can. I don't analyse too much, and neither do my kids. They just accept how I am/ we were.
My husband was good at music, but his parents discouraged it, so when our sons were born, we said that if they wanted anything to do with music, we would provide it if we could.
We treat the grandchildren the same.
My grandchildren have not grown up to be grasping children, just wanting things for the sake of it. They are really nice children, thoughtful and kind to others, just how we want them to be.
If either of my sons were like the one in the OP, I would be most upset, too, and not at all understanding.
Their father died nearly five years ago. We keep up the traditions that we started as a family, and one of them is probably buying too many little things, giving lots to unwrap.
It doesn't fit in with our conservation policies, but we make sure that all the paper is recyclable.
Christmas is supposed to be a time of giving, not a time of controlling other people.
Probably said too much, but who cares; it's Christmas.

This year when I had finished all the present wrapping (always lots) and I was sorting them out to put under the tree I did feel that I had bought too many for my 2 DG.
Knowing that their mother didn't approve of loads of presents I actually held back the 2 most expensive gifts for them and will be returning them for a refund today. I will be about £100 pounds better off and the DG had a wonderful day with us and were delighted with their presents. I bought them the present each that their mum had suggested when I asked her having been in trouble before plus other smaller presents.
Everyone happy.

Happygran, I feel that perhaps you need to listen to your son as you know what he and your DIL are like and you need to just go along with them. We might not always like or approve of the way they do things but it's their lives and their children and you don't want a serious falling out with them and risk not seeing your DG. We have to do it their way as their the ones holding all the cards and they know it!.

Too much is bought at Christmas,much of which is wasted,the amount of CDs and D VDs unopened,the queues in M&S customer services.If you sit and analysis it you'll go mad,[i will for certain]
But I agree with thatbags.
And no you shouldn't go against the direct wishes of the parents,especially a D IL,way way way too risky,even if you think she's crackers.
And good parenting is important,of course it is,look at all the young people in therapy,I think thatbags maybe another one of the new trendy thinkers.All yet to be proven.