I feel a heel

I worry that I could be that person.
There have been times (still are) when I desperately need to "offload", when coffee with a friend who has no connection with the NHS is a lifeline, or a few hours of trying to be "my own person" is essential for my sanity.
I worry about friends hiding behind lamp posts, metaphorically speaking, when they see me coming as my dear late MIL used to say "Nobdy likes a moaning Minnie" and I will now overthink the proposed "must meet in the New Year" type of lunch or coffee dates offered.
I do try to remain upbeat, to shut up about me and hear all about their cruises/holidays/perfect lives talk about them, but sometimes it is hard

Lucky, you have done everything right so far so carry on the same. I can't understand why some are advising ways to manage a friendship, when you don't want one. Your first loyalty is to yourself, then your husband, then family, then dear trusted friends etc.

You are not the only person that this lady could give her friendship to. Let her drift away to find someone who would be glad of her company.

Jayanna I'm a bit of an old softie when it comes to the lonely and friendless as I have a GS with ASD and he has no friends. Luckily he has his extended family, for now.

But I do know a couple of people like this and yes, they are -a bloody nuisance-- tiresome. So I make a date with them once a month or so, and bite the bullet. And I set up the next date there and then and don't alllow them to intrude on my life.

As I see it, I can put up with them for that amount of time, and I know they are desperately lonely and seeking more, but that's all I can honestly give.

Yes that seems like a good idea Penstemmon, not too harsh but gets the message across.
I have a couple of friends like that grandma60, they tell me every detail of their lives but never ask how things are going for me. I am also going to cool a 'friendship ' with a couple who take from us all the time in terms of time and help but never reciprocate even with a small gift or thank you. A little appreciation goes a long way.

Excellent idea, pen.

You say your DH is not well. Tell her you are not able to have casual visitors as your DH needs quiet at home but you could meet her in the Spring as you are busy over the run up to Christmas and for New Year. Tell her to call you at the beginning of March. You have not rejected her, you have preserved your privacy and you can meet her for an hour or so for a coffee. When you meet give her another time she can call you, e.g. end of May etc. That way you stay in control. May not work but maybe worth a try?

But it wouldn't be once a month. That's the problem. And anyway, you don't even owe her that. Time with her is time away from your real friends or your husband who might need you just as much but wouldn't say. Don't feel the least bit guilty and don't let anyone else either!

Come on Lucky cut her some slack. The woman is lonely and suffering mental health problems. Surely you could meet her once a month for a coffee in town?

You're not being a heel, lucky. Self-preservation in such circumstances is justified.

I had a friend like that. She had sucked a few people dry before me, and then a few after. Sometimes avoidance is the best option

This rings a few bells with me. I have just retired, but before then a woman that lives a couple of streets away latched on to me while waiting for the morning train. She sat next to me every morning for more than 2 years and talked nonstop about every minute detail of her life. Told me a lot of things about herself that were obviously untrue as she would often contradict herself. For instance she told me her job was so important that she was not allowed to wear her business clothes travelling to work in case someone followed her to her office. In later conversations I worked out that she does a very mundane job in the office of a security company. In all those 2 years she never knew a thing about my life as I couldn't of got a word in edgeways to tell her. Now she wants to keep in touch and put a note through my door with her phone no. I do feel bad as I realize she lives alone and is very lonely. She has no family but talks about hundreds of friends but it just doesn't ring true. I think if I tried to meet her occasionally she would want more but she is just so draining. It is so sad but I really don't know the answer for her.

Maybe not meet at all. Possibly just say you'll get in touch when you can. Meeting now, even briefly and in a cafe, might just perpetuate her hope that you're still "friends". I think it's kinder to make a clean break and it needn't be done harshly. Difficult one I can appreciate.

Perhaps a meeting in a public place. Get up after an hour and go, and if she then rings say that you really cannot see or speak to her for a few months because you are so busy, after that for the next few months do not pick the phone up if she rings. If she is still ringing after then, repeat the cycle.

Oh dear, you could be writing about me, although not these days. Depression, breakdown and recent diagnosis of Aspergers has made me more aware of trying not to appear needy! I don't know what to suggest really apart from what you're already doing, I expect she's used to it.

If she rings, you can you then dial 1471, and if the number is not withheld, note it down, then when you see it and can recognise it on your Caller ID, just let it go to answer phone. Would that work?

But if she rings you, you must be able to get her number?

I have told her that!!! And she rings and says "I know you are busy, but...."

Can't you just be firm and say"Sorry, it's not convenient at the moment, I have a lot on my plate most of the time."
You don't have to give reasons.

I do have caller ID - but don't actually know her number - but I know the code so could probably deduce from that.

She is indeed impervious to hints. But deep down I do feel sorry for her and in a way admire her for bashing on against all the odds.

The other problem is that OH would go apeshit if she came round. He is not well and close friends understand that, but he is not happy with others. So - no coming here then - and I do not ant to go there. Maybe I could find some neutral territory if I run out of excuses.

Could you get 'Caller ID' on your phone?
It's really difficult isn't it? I had to resort to being very blunt to the point of rudeness when it happened to me and eventually the caller took the hint.
I appreciated that she needed a friend but firstly I wasn't that person and secondly she was pretty impervious to hints etc

Steady as you go, it sounds as if you are doing all the right things already. Remaining friendly, being polite it frightfully busy, there's not much more you can do and you needn't beat yourself up about it.
Do you have Caller ID on your phone? Don't pick up and if (for instance in Lent as your "penance"(!) ) you feel,you can bear it, agree to meet somewhere neutral for a coffee with a prearranged phone call to get you away after half an hour.
Sad situation but easier to forestall than to extricate yourself if you once "let her in".

If it were me I'd keep putting her off and hope eventually she gets the message.