Rant

What's happened to some of you gransnetters which generates such barbed comments these days. Bring back jinglebellfrocks asap - that's what I say.

I am afraid I agree with Aggie. I haven't been able to fix anything up with my son spontaneously since he married. He always has to check with wife first but isn't this the way it should be? I would far rather her put her first than us after all hopefully she is going to be around a lot longer than us and we had the pleasure of a loving son for 32 years.

Sorry to say grannypiggy but that's often the way it is. I felt snubbed when my son once told me his wife and children had to come first, but he was right.

I've learned my lesson and he was man enough to tell me, politely, without pussy-footing around and when I'd had a good think about it I was proud of him for saying it. I know he didn't fnd it easy as we have a very close and loving relationship.

That was a long time ago and we're still very close but in a different way.

I understand that you need help around the farm. Perhaps you could tell him understand and you realise he had different priorities now, especially as he's going to be a father. Are you in a position to take on someone else part-time to help with the heavy work in the short term, maybe someone whose thinking of going to agricultural college and would value the experience?

Merlot is right about farms and families!

She probably is tired, I can remember being exhausted in the first trimester with both of mine, and a cold on top. Poor girl. Do you want a relationship with your new grandchild? If so you need to immediately start trying to rectify this awful problem you have with its mother. Your son has responsibilities elsewhere now and no wonder he doesn't pop in, everything you have posted about him and his new family is pretty negative. Don't be THAT sort of MIL, bite your tongue, fix on a smile and try to adapt to new ways

There has to be a bit of give and take on both sides, it's hard but you don't want to alienate your nearest and dearest, I had to do a fair amount of tongue biting but it all came good GrannyPiggy.

I don't think the comments are barbed - blunt maybe, but not barbed. From my point of view, anything that can be said that will help to prevent a family breakdown here is helpful. It would be such a shame if contact was broken off when there is so much potential for everyone to be happy: son has a lovely new life; a new baby is on the way.

I am sure that jings never ever made barbed comments!

GrannyPiggy of course your DS loves you, but he has other loves as well. As far as his partner is concerned all you can ask is does she love him? If she does and they are building a life together you should do all you can to support this life. If she doesn't you'll find out soon enough and there is very little you can do about that. Just keep in mind that he will need a family when you are no longer there to love him and be grateful he has found someone. She may not be perfect but few of us are.

I just wanted to sleep throughout my first pregnancy; I felt so tired all the time.

There are no barbed comments on here Tigger but there is truth the most barbed comment comes from the original post when she talks of her daughter in law being pregnant and having a cold ..the 'poor girl' is said with more than a hint of sarcasm

When your child marries or moves in with his chosen partner you ARE no longer first in his life and that's how it should be you cannot be his first any more and if you were the marriage wouldnt last Parents have to be very unselfish you bring your child up, you would stave, or take a bullet for them but the day they move into a full relationship your work is over unless you are asked
You also unfortunately can't make your son work in your business however tidy and convienent to both parties that might be, it's his choice who he works for
The only thing left to say is make a friend of your daughter in law your son is protecting her as he should and you are putting him in a very uncomfortable position, love shouldn't have to be a competition

Then today after an awful falling out with DS
Oh dear, you will have to make the first move and make it up otherwise you will risk not seeing them and your new DGC.

Does he get paid to work on the farm, or is he supposed to help from love? He has a family of his own to support now.

realised I do have like minded people who can tell me how it is without emotional ties
I think I have more than an inkling of how it is - from the other point of view!

Congratulations Grannyp on your new expected grandchild. I don't know if this is your first, but it will be a real eye opener to see your son becoming a dad in his own right, so be prepared for even more changes in him. You will want to play a part in his child's life so please don't let this unpleasantness go any further.
As a MIL you do have to take a step back and hold your council on many occasions, but it is worth it to be on good terms with your grandchild.
Good luck.

As my son always says 'Happy wife, happy life!' His job is to look after his own family now.

You have to accept that the love of his life is his wife. He loves you and his father too of course but you now take second place, which I know, having gone through this three times myself, is hard to take.

Bite the bullet. Once the girl feels confident that he is no longer his mummy's little boy she will warm to you and not feel threatened.

Grannyp I know it mus hurt but it is only natural that new partner is going to come first, you don't say where she is from, that might explain why she doesn't "try to fit in " with your life. I am lucky with my DD as I get on really well with her OH but I know my place, DD's priority is her OH & my DGS, my place is behind them, don't get me wrong, DD is always there if I really need her but I'm not top of her priorities.

As for your DiL (or however yet term her), my DD is expecting her 2nd baby, only very early stages but she is constantly tired & is suffering constant nausea (she was same with DGS) so a little bit of sympathy is required IMHO.

It's hard to take a back seat but as mothers that's what we have to do as our mothers did when we married . I suppose they didn't always think what we were doing was right but bit their as we have to at times . Be proud of your son and try and make his partner welcome don't miss out on future good times with them and grandchildren some relationships take more effort than others hope all goes well

I would say this to you if we were sitting across the table having a cuppa. How old is your son , and what things were you doing at that age ?

You will always be his mother, but you are, quite rightly, no longer the most important woman in his life. How would you have felt if your husband had always put his mother ahead of you? We should give our kids roots and wings. If we let them fly freely, then with luck they will occasionally fly back to their roots. Build bridges and learn to bite your tongue, we all have to. I truly hope that things get better for you.

No Jings didn't make barbed comments, she often lightened the discussion. Just wonder if some of these "blunt" posters would actually says some of the stuff posted to anyone's face.

jingl was sometimes just as blunt as some posters have been on here. Even more so, in fact - it depended on her opinion of course.

I certainly wish she was still posting!

It is an interesting question as to whether people would feel able to be as honest/blunt to someone's face. Probably we would say the same thing only in a more round about way.

Is that good or bad I wonder? It may be that the freedom of the net allows people to be more candid, and that could be seen as its virtue or its curse. Pussyfooting around while this poor woman's family life disintegrates round her ears may not be a good way forward. I think we are all trying to do our best to see a good outcome here.

Also on the net, people ask AIBU? which invites a clear answer. Maybe that is not the sort of question we ask in such a bald way in RL?

And even if we did, it would only be to one, possibly two, close friends who know you and would probably be kind and tactful whilst being honest.

You're not always going to get that on an open forum on the internet.

Some new posters are just plain rude and belligerent without any wit or humour!

Asking AIBU when it would seem to most people that, in fact, you are BU probably elicits honest answers, but not the reassurance that the OP wants if they think they are in the right.

Yes, like Ana, if we were sitting having a with GrannyPiggy I would ask lots of questions and perhaps use a hypothetical situation (based on experience) to persuade her that she could perhaps use different tactics.

Ahem! Where is GrannyPiggy?

I worry when posters give such identifiable information in posts. The posts are open for anyone to read, including those who are written about.