My grandson prefers daddy to mummy.

Certainly not janea !!

I typed it then it must have jumped around on this flippin' tablet and I posted without previewing!

Sorry, wellingtonpie ,

My friend used to make me laugh, when her DS1 was a baby she said she used to listen out for her DH's car, when DH got out of the car she would go and plonk baby in his arms and say 'Here - he's yours now, I've had enough for the day!'

My DH was away for months on end, how I sometimes wished I could do the same.

For a year when Minibags was four, MrB was only at home for a weekend once a fortnight. I used to say "Take her away!" (out for the day). She wasn't a difficult child and was actually quite good company but everyone with total responsibility for a child needs a break now and then. Tell your daughter to enjoy the baby's "daddy time".

That comment above is me being restrained. My first reaction on reading the OP was "Oh, for goodness' sake! Is anyone really this silly?"

Tin hat time ⛑

Such a shame she feels that way. Perhaps she is suffering of depression and feeling bad about not being (or rather seeming to be from her point of view 'the perfect mother' (btw did anyone watch Ann Robinson's documentary the other day about parenting these days seeming like a 'competition) ).

DH saw very little of the children when they were little- working VERY long hours, and coming home often after they'd gone to bed. So when he was home, he was the girls' HERO. He also left, quite naturally in the circumstances, to do all the disciplining, etc - never believed in the awful 'wait till your dad gets home' so many of my neighbours used all the time.
He very rarely got cross with them or had to deal with bad behaviour issues- so it was quite normal for daddy to be 'favourite' - or at least to appear so when he was home.

Quite normal - hope you can persuade her of that and help her deal with any feelings of not being THE perfect mother- as Ann says, most of us where 'good enough mothers, in our own way'.

My husband used to arrive home by the time DS was getting into the evening "three month colic" stage. By then I was very happy to let daddy have a go. Daddy would cuddle him and read Social Work Today out loud to him as if it were a bedtime story. Not that DS cared.

Oh no! - not Social Work Today - I have repressed that memory!!!

I agree with granjura - it is such a shame that she feels like this - just reassure her that it is completely normal and not rejection.
Late on she is quite likely to get 'I don't love you any more, mummy' or 'I love daddy best' etc etc - all totally meaningless.

My initial reaction was the same as thatbags's - oh, for goodness' sake but then I did wonder if she has PND.

granjura I agree, and re the discipline 'How can I discipline them after the event? Promise me you'll be good for mummy next week!'
Well, they were on the whole


Yes, I did see Ann Robinson - all rather extreme in their views on parenting I thought.

WEll yes, re Ann Robinson- she did indeed search for extremes, as it is extremes that make people react- but perhaps all of us could recognise some of the young mums we know- and perhaps even a bit of ourselves ;)

Of course dads can also be really frustrating when they decide they don't want hassle after a hard day's work and undermine the rules and discipline mum has tried so hard to instill- just when she is beginning to win- be it with TV, tablet, sweets, etc, etc! I know one who would even say things like 'don't listen to silly mum- she is a witch with her rules, etc' - not my DH I hasten to say !

I think I was somewhere in between granjura .... at least I hope so!
Ensuring they did their homework, having extra-curricular activities but with plenty of time for playing and skipping around in the woods or feeding the ducks!
Perhaps I should have been more of a tiger, but they seem to have done OK

[gasp]
No, it was always 'Do what your mother tells you' or vice versa

Same as DH - bravo.

or a bit of a cop-out!!

'Ask your mother' meant not making a decision

yep !

DD3 still struggles with this from her son aged 6. His daddy doesn't live with them and the little one tends to reject her when he comes home from time with his dad. This has been going on since he was very tiny. I suspect there is an element of undermining going on in the background. I have tried hard to help DD rationalise this but I see her point. She does all the upbringing, pays for everything, disciplines, deals with the nightmares and vomiting after him being stuffed with sweets. The father is the fun one. The child idolises him.

Wellingtonpie everyone is right though. It is very common for this to happen, especially with boys who seem to be using their dad as a role model. Hard for your DD as a new mum to get it in perspective.

I had the same with my son and I felt a little sad but then one day I had a girls day and didn't see my son until the following morning he just wanted me not his dad .Now he is a grown man but still wants to talk to me about certain things and his dad about other things we both have a great relationship with our son .

The trouble is that Mum is there all the time and so the discipline etc falls on her shoulders. When Dad comes home from work and offers treats, be it extra tv, sweets, trips to the park etc etc she is seen as the bad guy and him as the good guy. Try swapping roles for a while.

I know someone whose little boy said to her 'I am not doing that because it is 'woman's work'! Obviously he had heard someone say that because he did not invent it himself.

When a Mum is exhausted from cleaning house and looking after little ones, making meals and doing the shopping it is all too easy to let Dad spoil the child when he comes home. Try off-loading some of the jobs such as shopping, get Dad to do it on-line, get a cleaner in once a week until the burden gets lighter.

Husbands think their job stops at the office when you have children, they need to be educated to the fact that when you have children it means you share the load.

As a Grandparent it would be better not to take sides. To offer help when asked, advice when asked, and be prepared to baby-sit now and again...or even collect children from school to give the Mum a break.

A woman cannot be expected to cope with it all on her own. When Dad comes home and undoes all the good work re: discipline, and a child knows instinctively how to play one against the other, then it leads to rows and hurt feelings.

I think it is such a good thing that your DGS looks forward to seeing his dad in the evening. He has been with mummy all day, and just because he wants to be with daddy at times is no reflection on or rejection of his mum. Your daughter should be happy about this rather than sad, because it shows that her little son is sharing his love with both parents, and trusts both of them. I would be more upset if he didn't look forward to seeing his dad.

I agree, it is not a competition for the child's love. I am sure your daughter is doing the very best she can, so no wonder she is exhausted, any one would be.

I do know of some fathers who deliberately stay at the office 'because we are busy' or go to the pub out of the way so they do not have to get children to bed though.

Dad could read a story, or take over bath time, help with homework etc so that Mum could sit down, catch her breath, catch up on emails to friends, or just have a cup of tea in the peace and quiet for 15 minutes ME time. None of which is too demanding after a full days work.

When my son was younger, I felt the same way. Every night when his Dad came home, he would insist that he sat on his lap and snuggled down, he would then fiddle with the sheepskin we had on the arm of the sofa. One day, I hoovered off the settee and put the sheepskins back on the arms of the sofa. That night, my DS climbed onto my lap and for the next few days snuggled up to me as lovingly as he had to his Dad. That's when I realised he actually had a preference for a particular sheepskin and not the parent!

Years later, he appears to be a Daddy's boy as he and his Dad gang up on me sometimes, go off and do boy's things together, etc but if he is ever in trouble or needs to really talk, it is me he comes to. And if he ever thinks his Dad has really upset me, he is very protective of me! It really is swings and roundabouts!

I have two sons and when they were young, they much preferred their dad. I was quite happy with that, as I wasn't keen on playing football and cricket. It also gave me a break and was able to sit quietly and read a book.

Advise your daughter to make the most of it, I say.

Exactly the same happened with my DiL first child and she got quite upset that he 'didnt like her' and preferred Daddy. However we reassured her and now is fine- he goes to them equally whenboth there. But daddy away so much with work that its a novelty when hes there and tends do fun things.
I also feel a bit peeved when Ive spent all day playing with and lookingafter GC only to be told they want sit next to grandad at meals sand ask him to read story etc!! But I make a joke of it!

Of course it is 100% normal for children to do this. Mummy is there all day long just being Mummy and Daddy is the exciting fun character who is there only a limited amount of time.
I don't know how you can get this through to your daughter wellingtonpie as it sounds as though her insecurities are the problem here. It would be different if she was 'rejected' when your son-in-law is not there. In time it will all even out though the often missing parent is always going to be more exciting. I feel that no nursery can give an infant the care given by a parent or other close family member so I hope that she hangs on with your support.
I can't deny I had twinges of irritation that my first two would do the same but since he was awkward with children I had always fostered the idea that Daddy coming home was exciting and something to look forward to. They found out as time went on that he would play for 20 minutes and then disappear into his 'study' and shut the door. Perhaps that wouldn't happen in these more enlightened times.
A young friend who has a very hands-on husband found that her first son would cling to his daddy but the younger to her. Curiously the one who would run to her husband is the one most like her in looks and temperament and the one who always wanted his mummy is very much like his dad. I know that each parent would feel hurt at times and while she was glad to get back to work when the first was only 9 months old she found it hard to leave the second after a year's maternity leave was up.

I so agree that it shouldn't be a competition for the child's love! But sometimes it is made out to be just that, especially in parents who are separated. This is so confusing for a child/children. Children need to love and be loved by both parents.

I agree with the other replies, it is quite normal for children to want the 'new' person when they have been with you all day. I had it with my two children and Dad got to put them bed and read them a story whilst I put the washing on, made a cup of tea and put my feet up for 15 minutes! It happens with my grandchildren too - because my daughter is now a single parent I have the day to day care of them so she can work full time. When they see their other grandmother/grandad they get excited and talk about how lovely they are and the things they do together. For me it is a break from the almost constant (I have three grandkiddies) 'Nan, can I have' 'Nan, he's taken my ---' 'Nan, I'm bored' business, I can get a cup of tea in peace and catch up on any outstanding housework, pop to the shops without it being a major issue etc. Doesn't mean he doesn't love your DD - if you are free perhaps you could suggest you both pop out one evening a week for coffee somewhere leaving Dad in charge for a couple of hours? If your DD realises she deserves a break now and then she might feel better about it all.