FALSE MEMORY SYNDROME ?

Sorry to hear of the rift with your daughter. I would be careful about making assumptions on such untested and controversial ideas as false memory syndrome. It's tempting to find something to blame for the problem but please be careful with this one. Is there anyone who can mediate for you, your daughter is obviously an intelligent woman but sometimes intelligent people are not always the most sensible. I do hope you find a resolution to this.

Your DD asks you not to contact her but as soon as you discover her address you contact her! This is akin to stalking and is probably not helping your cause.

Come on! What do you expect a mum to do?

I'm with Harrigan on this one.

Apologies hariGRAN,

I have great understanding for your situation. I watched my son and his then girlfriend, slowly eradicate all contact with his friends, my family and finally my daughter and myself, now no contact for over 4 years. I wrote and rang initially and eventually turned up at the door, although I knew there was someone in, there was no answer. I decided that I would hope in time, he would come around and get in touch again. He and his wife have not, I have tried to find out where they live, just for peace of mind, but I believe they now live out of the area. It is sad what you are going through, and maybe like me you are constantly going over and over again what could have caused it and how you could reconciled the situation. I have finally and sadly decided after many months and years of sleepless nights just to let things be, they obviously have their reasons, I only wish I knew what they were so we could at least discuss their feelings.

Very upsetting for you Violette, especially as you have not been given a satisfactory explanation. However, she is an adult and has made a firm decision not to have contact with you and no matter how upsetting you have to accept this and stop all direct contact unless in the future your daughter decides to re-establish contact. You do not mention having any proof of thoughts being put into her mind by a third party. You could look at getting some support for yourself to help you cope with this distressing situation. I do hope that things work out for you.

Christinefrance do you have evidence that false memory syndrome is untested? It is a well known fact that therapists in the past did lead clients into false memory. As a qualified therapist and trainer, I am aware that people can be lead in the wrong direction, especially through hypnosis which I use. There has been plenty of evidence, especially in the States where analysis was very popular in the 70s, where families were arrested after a client reported them after therapy. It was found that the therapist was falsely leading the client, and the client was making it up as they went along, with no real evidence that any abuse had taken place. Whatever Violette is suffering through her daughters actions, she is looking at possibilities of why she is behaving this way. Take heart Violette that your daughters friends disagree with her, and you know in your own heart you have done the best you could do as a parent. There is a case in the news right now where a quack 'healer' has made a daughter disown her parents and they are distraught. This so called therapist charged a fortune, and made many clients feel very uncomfortable. There are good healers and good therapists out there, but they can do a huge amount of damage. You ar not alone Violette, it happens to so many parents. Small comfort I know, but we all feel for you. X

I know of a tragic case, of a therapist diagnosing sexual abuse, in a family, when the person accused had been in a prison on the Isle of White when the incidents were supposed to have taken place. Do be careful with this.

If someone doesn't want to know you, the they have their reasons and painful though that is you have to respect that decision.

Me eldest daughter cut off her entire family when she married her partner, it is very sad, and we miss her, but she is an adult and we must respect her choices.

People often resume contact after years as if nothing ever happened and they have no explanations to offer. This has recently happened to a friend whose daughter went away from the family for 7 years before seeking reconciliation. It is harder to bear than bereavement in some ways as it is their choice to leave. Life sucks at times.

I am so sorry Violette.... Obviously, something has happened to change your daughter's relationship with you. Are you completely sure you cannot think of anything you said or did which might have been misconstrued? If not, then I would suggest writing one last letter and explain how sorry you are that your relationship has broken down Tell her how much you love her and miss her... but you wall respect her wishes and not contact her again, although you will always be there for her if she should need you.
I hope it all works out for you, but in the meantime, focus on the good times you had with her and hope she remembers them too. x

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Whilst you are thinking what to do i think you should collect the memorabilia and photos etc. that you have at home and create a life story scrap book showing your love, the good times she had etc. Scan it. If she ever gets in trouch you can tell her what good memories you have and if she wants the book you can give it to her.

Good luck.

All I can say is how very sad and the worst thing possible when you don't know why
As the last time you heard she was with a (maybe new) partner could this person have poisoned her as a way of controlling her some very controlling men ( and I m sure women) try to cut the partner off from all forms of support or family She is a professional lady so obviously has done well for herself it's all very mysterious and only she can hold the key to your knowledge happiness and contentment
I think the idea of a scrapbook is a good idea and show how much you love her She may never see it but she may or maybe one day her children if she has any in the future know how much you cared

Sorry joyfully I put that badly, of course I meant to agree with you. Think the heat is melting my remaining brain cells.

I simply cannot believe that people n this thread have said your daughter is justified in cutting you off without an explanation. What cruelty! If my daughter did this to me I'd die of misery.

I can't say anything helpful here that most contributors haven't already said - just that my heart goes out to you as it must be hell.

It must be very hard for you VIOLETTE, especially as you don't know what has caused her antipathy to you. If it has been caused by mental health issues it may resolve itself, in time. Unless you know that she has been having some sort of dubious therapy I doubt that you could put it down to so-called False Memory Syndrome.

I sympathise because my eldest daughter is schizophrenic and was very difficult with us as a teenager. She disappeared completely for much of her twenties, eventually getting in touch with her grandmother.

She is now (usually) in regular contact by phone and text and we do sometimes visit her for the day, but occasionally she will fall out with us again for no obvious reason and say that she never wants to hear from us again. After this we just leave her alone, and eventually will from her again, usually when she has a problem that we can help with.

You have nothing to gain by contacting her if she doesn't want to see you, and everything to lose. I know that it isn't really stalking, but if she is unwell she may see it like this.

Mumofmadboys I'm definitely with you on this one x

Me too Tessa101

A sad and painful situation violette, and of course one in which you have no control. I am so sorry your daughter has made this choice. I totally understand the drive to make contact and do so whenever you have the opportunity although so far you haven't had the response you long for. I also wonder if it is now the best approach, also I imagine not knowing why is making this all,the harder. I think keep an open mind about false memory syndrome, unless she had been having deep level therapy with an inept therapist before her decision it is really unlikely, although for you it would be an explanation that was outside of your daughter and so perhaps easier to contemplate. We can only guess how your contact is interpreted by your daughter, if she still thinks negatively about you I believe, and I hope you won't see criticism in this, that it is likely to be misinterpreted and not accepted with the love it contains. I really don't know what I would do in your situation but right now I think I would, after 10 years, follow butterflykisses suggestion, if nothing else it would stop an increase in pain while waiting and hoping for a response. In no way does this imply you are to blame for her actions, please don't think that, but I do wonder if your pain may be a little less with a different approach. Wishing you well, please seek as much support as you can for yourself.

HI ! thanks everyone ! I have made no contact with her at all since 2007 ..apart from said text message she sent re the holiday ! My ex brother in law says she has not had any contact with her father (his brother) either ...and none of the other family members ! The new boyfriend seems to be a reasonable sort of person, though I never met him, his profile on LinkedIn looks trustworthy ! I have also now learnt she has given up her professional career and started a company selling camping equipment !!!! I have to wonder > she was never into outdoor activies ! Alsom there is a photo on the company website of her, the partner and a child ...I have no idea who the child is ..don't think it is hers, as the timescale is not right .......the camping company has a website where I registered for up dates (!) ...hardly stalking when the company records , directors addresses, home telephone numbers, etc and all listed at Companies House .......I will not contact her ...I am just curious to know she is ok and, I hope, happy ! Other than that, c'est la vie ....it is her life, just that I am constantly trying to seek out a reason ! Some friends who knew us both have made various suggestions ...religion (possibly but doubtful !_, new boyfriend, as you say, this could be a possibility. ? One of her previous partners apologised for her behaviour towards me when I took them to Paris for my 60th birthday, thinking we would all have a lovely dinner to celebrate ...and she turned round and said 'Oh, ....and I want to go to dinner on our own !'....like a complete idiot, I gave them 200 euros to enjoy their dinner whilst I had a takeaway kebab in my hotel room !!! ...I have another friend who says it is my fault, as I spoiled her (which is probably true !_....yet another Yorkshire friend says 'there's nowt sa queer as folks'........I guess I will just leave it ! Talking about photo albums, when I left the UK I left all the photos with her to enjoy ....some years later they all arrived at my address with no explanation !!! Hate to say it, but it seems like a psychological problem to me ....just hope she is ok , and that is what upsets me most ...I don't want to live her life, not too bothered if she doesn't want to know me, just would like to know she is ok, which is why I look her up from time to time !

It does certainly sound as though she might have mental health problems. Also as though she might have lost her original legal job because of them. Very sad for you Violette, but also sad for her, giving up all her family. Hope she may rethink her decision some day.

I agree with you that this situation may be caused by a psychological problem. I have had some experience of this with a close family member who turned against everyone who loved them except their spouse who was very sympathetic and got treatment for them. I kept in touch via the partner and only contacted my family member by email when I had something to update them with. I only got curt replies eventually we were reconciled after a few years as if nothing had happened and I believe successful medication did the trick although we never discuss it. I sincerely hope things work out for you.

Is it possible in the course of her work that has discovered something or believes that she has ?
(rightly or wrongly)

Could she have become a member of a cult?
They often make their members cut all contact with friends and family. Just a thought.