Whose responsibility is it to call?

Its always s me doing the catch up phone calls, DD is so busy I don't like to bother her, my mother never phones me unless its an emergency. My elderly aunt like me to phone so she can have a grumble and it doesn't cost her phone bill. I feel nice and relaxed after iv phoned everyone Ive done my duty.

I haven't read through all the postings. But for me what does it matter "who is responsible to phone". Its not yours or his. Just pick up the phone and ask how are you. My Mam used to say, our so and so hasn't phoned me for ages. I would ask have you phoned them? If you are interested, pick up the phone.

They are a long time gone when they are not there to answer the phone. What I would give to answer the phone and hear "Mam here"

Mil complained to me that DH never phoned to see how she was, but neither was she interested in phoning us to ask about our family. DH actually has to mentally prepare himself to phone her because she is so difficult, and he invariably ends up being in a bad mood after the call because she takes no notice of what he says anyway.

When I talk to my SIL she complains pitifully that her son (who lives abroad) never calls her and I commiserate because mine (living nearby) doesn't either, unless he wants something. We think it's just our sons and we're badly and unfairly neglected because we used to call our mums regularly. But reading the posts here it's clear that males generally are bad at keeping in touch and that it was our parents generation that expected us to make contact and had none of our concerns about being seen as demanding or intrusive. So what happened? Are we reacting to how we were treated? Have we let our kids off the hook to our own misery? We feel neglected but have we taught our kids how to treat us? Is it too late to change things? Should we try?

As a family we're into texting rather than 'phoning and I get loads of pics of the grandchildren on Whatsapp.

I leave DH to call his mum. She can be extremely rude, so I avoid her.

I and my husband are in regular touch with my parents in law and we all four of us call each other equally. Unless she has major news to impart such as a death in the family my mum rarely calls, I have always been the one to phone her. Last week I spoke to her on Sunday and was really shocked that she phoned me the very next day because she said she was worried about me sounding so ill the day before. I've been very ill many times in recent years, but I can't remember that it's ever prompted a phone call from her before.

Greyduster

I ring my Mum around 5 o'clock every Sunday for a chat, but she has no problem ringing me if I'm late. That's our regular chat time, but we will still speak several times during the week, just not for as long. She lives over 300 miles away and we both like checking up on the other, to make sure the other is OK. It also means we know what's going on in each other's lives which suits us as we're close.

My FiL usually only rings us if there's a problem, so a call from him can be a big deal, but he's insulin dependent diabetic, so we ring him every few days for a little chat. He's very independent and can be a devil sometimes, so we like to keep tabs on him.

My Dad died 18 years ago, but I could count on one hand the number of times my Step-Mum has phoned me. I stopped ringing her years ago because we never had that much to talk about. We live half an hour apart and get on fine, but some how we don't keep in touch. I think if she'd made some effort, then things would be different, but I just felt I was making all the effort and getting nothing back. We send birthday cards and catch up at Christmas time when I go to see her, but otherwise her life revolves around her family. I just hope if something happens to her that her family let us know.

I rely on texts mostly, because my daughter is always busy, and often in the evening wants just to sit quietly, she has probably spent all day either talking to people with problems, or listening to them! Not that we have that many problems, but she can read a text when she likes and ring me when she feels like it. No problem for me.

My mum and I used to call each other on Sundays before she died.

I've tried calling DD, but she never answers and never calls me back, so now I don't call. When she wants something, she calls me. I'd like to Skype regularly so I can see more of DGS, but although DD suggested it once it's never come about

I find it really difficult. We are in our 70's but not needy parents, still very independent and able to help family in many different ways. DS who lives nearby, no prob. We aren't in each other's pockets and keeping in touch is easy going and very enjoyable. DS who lives 200 miles away, a very different story. I prefer it if he calls us, I know then that he has the time to talk. If I ring its never a good time:- just got in; just going out; just serving their meal; tired and enjoying a lie in; tired and going to bed early; working at home; supervising homework. DIL was once very straight to me that she rarely speaks to her mum, every 3 or 4 weeks, however, from my experience on rare visits I doubt this is true. I know young families all live very busy lives, I have been there, but I'd like to think we have a little place somewhere in their lives.

when my mum was alive i would ring her every evening after work and dinner i would also visit her every Saturday more if she was unwell. She passed away 6 years ago and i miss her dreadfully. She was like my best friend. I find my daughter does the same with me now i am retired, she contacts me every evening on face book and we chat about our day, we arrange 'Saturday Dates' go shopping, have lunch or the cinema, my sons seldom contact me so i think it is a man thing the lack of communication, and i think they find it hard to make small talk, if something was urgent they would contact me then and on special occasions, although my husband rings his mother at least three times a week, maybe that's because i prompt him!!!

I think the use of the telephone has changes over the years. It's taken a back seat to text, and messaging. It worry sometimes that I don't speak to the children very often, but it doesn't seem to worry them.

We are in constant touch with WhatsApp, Facebook etc, and only tend to talk on the phone occasionally, and if they are happy with that and so am I.

If I want to talk I text and say "call me when you have time to talk" and they do.

I use what's App it's changed the way we communicate especially as we are in different time zones.

Phoning is tricky at times but now we have the easier recourse to e-mail which is distancing, can be friendlier and leaves less time and space for misunderstandings. I am a bit of an awkward person on the phone and find e-mails are a boon.

I have given up phoning my only sister as she was always ferociously angry with me after about 30 seconds however hard I tried to be pleasant.

My DH phones me on the way home from work.

My DD phones me on the way to and from work and at lunchtimes.

My son, who lives at home, phones once a week if he or we are away but misses us.

My 84 year old mother phones occasionally and I phone her.

I Skype with my friend in the Antipodes.

I am a bit of a phone recluse and am much happier with the printed word except with my close family who rarely misunderstand my words or motives and are happy to chat. Reading the above posts I can see it is not just me who dreads the toxic call.

My stepson never phoned us. Sent birthday and Christmas cards but we only saw him when his father was ill. My DH frequently said his son didn't give a damn about him. Sadly my DH passed away last autumn - about 6 months after the last time he saw his son. He died thinking his son didn't care about him. He was firmly of the view that the children should contact the parents to check on their wellbeing.

Thank God for the youngest son who kept in touch regularly and came to visit with his family.

I grew up in a GP practice so the phone was used all the time as a tool of communication so it was at work as a social worker. However in DH grew up in a teaching family where the phone was a luxury. I do the phoning. I go though our address book at weekend when I have time and ring round family, cousins, friends etc. leaving up until last month Happy New Year messages and hoping they were well. etc.

My sons are on face book, I have decided that at the moment I don not want to be on face book. i know I therefore miss various news updates but that is my problem.

I'm on Skype and when the contacts show that sisters or grand daughter or sons are on I sometimes ring.

In between I email. I think women are on the whole the 'social secretaries' of their families.

The most important thing is to keep in touch so we do send Christmas cards - real ones not electronic.

Now we are older I worry if I don't get the annual Christmas card from distant relatives and friends whom I no longer see IRL. I ring them in early January to wish them a Happy New Year and we have some great chatty catch ups.
I wonder who I'd hear from if I stopped sending cards!! I do find it disconcerting that stamps now cost more than some cards.

I live in the Midlands and son & family live up north. We usually see them a couple of times a year with the odd phone call thrown in. Never sure when is a good time to ring so usually try on a Sunday night as they are having earlier nights ready for work, school etc.

My son is now working in China for 12 months and I now see him every week on Skype!! Thank goodness I am computer literate and have sorted it out to be able to do this. We contact about 11am on a Monday and for him it is about 7pm the same day. We chat away and he is glad of the company and he laughs and says "I've seen more of you and Dad since I came to China". He came back to UK for 5 weeks whilst the Chinese celebrated their New Year but he was busy with family and didn't get down to see us. I was a bit disappointed but not really surprised. Anyway he will hopefully be back in August and we will be able to go for a long weekend. Daughter in law is very welcoming but also leads a very busy life plus 2 teenage grandchildren who are happily getting on with their own lives.

I think of other families who don't even speak anymore, which is sad, and I think how lucky we are. My daughter and family live near and I am still fit and healthy enough to help her with her young family when she needs a hand, I never presume.

I always called my parents, but a different generation who did not have a land line until the 70s and my Dad scared of the cost, they were never going to call me! They did write though, until they moved round the corner! We then visited with our children most days!
I rarely call my daughters or son we communicate by e mail n text, because they all work and have young children, so I know how busy they are.

My down south grandies often Whatsapp me (and of course, I them) as the message can be sent whenever the thought occurs, and be picked up when it's handy. And it's free - handy for youngsters and oldies too I tend to let them make the first moves.

Poor you Greyduster, sometimes you just can't win can you? You know your friend and you know what she needs and you were there when she needed you most. I have a sister in a similar situation who lives about an hour away with many caring friends and 2DS nearby. My DH and myself were there when her DH was terminally ill for 9 l-o-n-g years but now, from time to time, I distinctly get the impression it's all my fault cos my DH is still alive and hers isn't so therefore I can't possibly understand. That doesn't stop my ringing/texting her regularly.
My DH would never think to ring his family-I sometimes suggest it to him and then he does.
I have a dear friend who has 2DSs and one rings her every morning-I find that odd-he's a grown man with his own family and busy life. I've no doubt she bends his ear and he doesn't get a word in so just has to listen but even so. . . .
When we were first married we lived away, no phones, my MIL would only ever reply to a letter (by return of post). My Mum who was not as articulate and as well educated as MIL, sent a letter every week enclosing the local paper so DH could read about his beloved football team. The letter was wrapped in the paper (was it called paper post and therefore cheaper?) and also always included something else like a new duster, dishcloth and once a flat grater! She used no punctuation whatsoever so it was all one long sentence but it gave us both enormous pleasure and showed she cared.
Sorry for such a long post-am a touch typist and can type as fast as I can speak. Lol

I used to phone my Mum, or she would phone me, if we could not make our usual Sunday get-together for whatever reason. (Dad would only use/talk on phone if absolutely necessary; like a major incident!) I so wish both parents were still here to talk to - we did not always see eye to eye but I respected and loved them dearly. I don't claim that we were the most functional of families but Family came first with us - honestly, all the disagreements etc fade into in significance now they are no longer with us. I hoped by example I showed my children what Family truly means but its 8 years come May Bank holiday since I heard/saw my DD and GGDs because of silly notions my DD got in to her head (when she got involved with a new partner) and today, Mother's Day, my DS phone to say he would have to cancel because his new partner's Ex-boyfriend had collapsed and died at the side of a road (apparently she's still his next of kin because his parents died - ??) and this ex-boyfriend's new partner cannot drive to the hospital. I was sympathetic and accommodating, as always, but after I put down my mobile, although DS has said he will try and get over in the week, I confess to a twinge of irritation. Am I old fashioned?; getting old and selfish? and why do I feel guilty thinking that they could have asked someone else to take the ex-boyfriend's partner to the hospital? I guess in my family 'Family' doesn't mean much any more.

Hope all the Mother's/Grandmother's out there have a good day :-) I've just had my favourite light lunch, settling down on the sofa to watch Van Dezile in a movie and will cook my favourite evening meal for me later; possibly raising a glass of something naughty to myself whilst patting myself on the back - cos all of us gals did our best!

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I used to ring my mum on a Wednesday night and she'd ring on a Sunday night, after she died I rang my dad every night until he died My OH rings his family if badgered!