Difficult discussion and I have to be the one to do it.

my granddaughter was the reason my husband stopped smoking. She was staying at ours overnight and had fallen asleep on the settee, i couldn't lift her to carry up stairs so husband did. Whilst i tucked her in bed and put on a lamp in case she woke to a strange room husband went downstairs. When i came down i couldn't find him then i realised he was in the garden. I went out to see what he was doing and he was on all fours gasping for breath. The act of carrying a small child upstairs had effectively made him gasp for air and it frightened him!!! A week later he had stopped smoking after being a heavy smoker for over over 45 years. I couldn't believe he had stopped and nearly two years later he hasn't touched another one. So proud of him and he says the annoying thing is he smoked all that time, spent all that money, for nothing as he obviously didn't need too, it was so easy for him to stop. Sadly he has now been told he has COPD and he still struggles to breath. I dread to think what the outcome would have been if he hadn't carried GD upstairs that night.

My second DH was a defiant smoker who said that nonsmokers should stay outside if they didn't like smoke! I was very worried when our first grandchild was born, as I didn't want a rift to appear in family relationships. However, soon after she was born he had an aortic aneurysm and would have died without emergency surgery, every cloud has a silver lining! he gave up smoking immediately and became the (almost) perfect husband and grandfather.

and the poisonous chemicals will still be in the air.

Let's not get too excitable.
Like Iam I grew up in a household of smokers, my mother smoked while she was pregnant, I weighed 5lb 4oz when I was born.
I'm now 66, 5'8" tall, BMI, blood sugar, blood lipids etc normal, and have never had a day's serious illness in my life.

So while smoking is an unpleasant, smelly habit and not to be encouraged, it does not leave 'poisonous chemicals' in the air for very long and I don't think it helps the anti-smoking argument to indulge in hyperbole

Jamilma, I heard an oncologist interviewed on the radio about lung cancer. She had never smoked and wouldn't advise any one to, of course. She did add that she believes lung cancer only occurs in people who have had a specific virus. She said her own mother is in her 90's and still smoking like a chimney.

As for smoking around children, I suspect I'm not alone on this forum in having grown up in a smoke filled atmosphere. Both my parents, all my aunts and uncles and all 4 grandparents smoked. I started smoking in my teens, stopped in my 20's and had a few relapses but I don't smoke now. I wouldn't allow anyone to smoke around my grandchildren and wouldn't want them taken to the homes of people who do smoke. We're all much more aware of the various risks to babies from passive smoking.

chrissyh I remember that too, it was Who Do You Think You Are?

Yes, I think it must affect people differently, as my DH's nana always smoked and lived to 96.

MammaTJ what a relief for you that she agreed with you!

I wonder if there's a leaflet available about smoking around children? It would be handy to be able to give one to a smoker in these circumstances, or even just leaving it behind/around for the person to read on their own. Some people need more persuasion than others.

I can remember being appalled at a programme about June Brown (actress in Eastenders) showing her and all her family, including her grandchildren, sitting around the table and she was practically chain smoking. OK, she has managed to live as long as she has despite heavy smoking but it affects people differently. I thought it was one of the most selfish acts, I'd seen, knowing what we know today. I don't envy you speaking to your mum but it has to be done.

MammaTJ

Does your DP smoke in your home? What will happen when the baby comes to your home? I know DP will smoke outside when they are there but if he smokes inside normally your house and his clothes will still be smoke "contaminated ", like DGM's.

Might be a nudge that will make him think about giving up. I do feel sorry for smokers because it is not easy to give up and many started when it was the norm.

I wouldn't even take the baby round - if she wants to see them she can visit them (and not smoke). Or maybe you could meet up somewhere close for a meal and then it won't be so much of an issue (although the clothes will still smell presumably :-( ) Even if your mum agreed not to smoke whilst you were there, the house will still smell and the poisonous chemicals will still be in the air.

At least you know the right thing to do - so the only hard bit is saying it

My children very rarely take their children over their GGM house for that reason she smokes in her home and sees it as her right, however she is not allowed to smoke in my home since I gave up 6 years ago I won't allow it around the grandchildren. Be brave if she wants to see her great grandchild that's the conditions what's she gonna do put you over her knee and spank you h

I am a lifetime non-smoker. Both parents smoked, and my mother was killed by lung cancer. I know you shouldn't smoke around children especially. HOWEVER it is this lady's house, and when you're in her house, it really is her rules. If the new parents aren't willing to allow their child to be near smoking then it is for them to decide whether to either ask the lady themselves to not smoke in the house while they are there, or to not go, and give a gentle explanation of why they aren't going. Who knows, the lady might decide it is worth smoking outside in order to see the new baby? Perhaps as as a non-parent, you will consider my opinion of no value, but from the other side of the wall, sometimes parents act with so much entitlement - the world doesn't revolve around you and your offspring, however much you might like to think it does.

Absolutely YES! No baby or child should ever be subjected to smoke!
When I had my first baby 51 years ago I instinctively knew at the age of 19 that my precious child should not and would not be in a smokey atmosphere.

We went to inlaws for Christmas when she was just three weeks old and because most of the family smoked in those days, I would not bring her down from our bedroom. If anyone wished to see her they came to our room. Needless to say, quite a few people were offended because at that time it was the norm for people to smoke around children.

My husband smoked for some years but never smoked around our five children. I would happily ban anyone from smoking around any child.

To me this would not be a discussion. It would be an ultimatum. Its then up to her. My mob know the rules - you can smoke in the garden (no matter what the weather). The baby must come first.

Set the ground rules as soon as possible. Suggest meeting the new baby in a neutral environment where smoking is not permitted, and use that as a starting point. She is too long in the habit to make any dramatic changes, but if circumstances dictate that smoking is not welcome she'll have to make a choice. You don't need to be wracked with guilt because of someone else's shortcomings.
Sometimes you need to be cruel to be kind.
Good luck.

I agree Seadragon.

I think it's the responsibility of the mother to lay down the ground rules for her baby with your mother......... She is an adult after all!!

Missed previous replies-brilliant!

Both my parents and my parents-in-law died needlessly young and had miserable end years all because of fags-I detest them and what they do. However I do sympathise with smokers -I understand it's as addictive as heroin. BUT there can be no excuse now to smoke around children.
As others have said, can M not be invited to yours if she lives near enough? Or meet at a restaurant where she cannot smoke.
Her house will be full of toxins so wouldn't want children there in any event.
You would have to say it's a cause of great concern for the baby-and indeed every other non smoker there-so if she wants to see the baby it's her decision.

Goood News about the grannie deciding for herself MammaTJ.
How often do we worry about an issue
that we have deal with and it all goes smoothly. A positive Sods Law that !

Well done.

But those who are concerned about the house and smokers, breath and clothes are right to be so. I use to run smoke stop groups and the thing that amazed the smokers when they gave up was that the places where they smoked and other smokers smelt so awful. They were cleaning the furniture and washing their clothes at the thought they smelt like that.

If you have a smoker in the home and a baby is visiting the minimum you can do is air the place before they arrive.

Lets be positive, this lady has made great progress.

www.babycentre.co.uk/x1048535/will-smoking-outside-protect-my-baby-from-second-hand-smoke
This article says it all about smoking round babies. Maybe you could meet in a cafe or other public building where smoking isn't allowed?

PS. Well done MammaTJ (I see we have a similar name ).

My DD was a smoker (pipe) and died aged 54 of cancer of the oesophagus. This didn't stop DB chain smoking and his house always reeked of tobacco. He died of lung cancer aged 68. We have just lost BiL to lung cancer at 71 (pipe) and it has taken a month to rid the bungalow of the smell. I haven't allowed anyone to smoke in my house for the past 40 years and can't understand how people don't make the link. I would not have taken my babies to a smoker's house. If they wanted to see the baby they had to make the journey to our house and also go outside for their fix.

Sorry , just read that she decided herself to not smoke near the baby . Panic over !