Up and coming disaster

I have given my opinion, when asked by my (adult) children, about a number of contentious issues. However, with a single notable exception, the deal is that having had my say I will then always agree to support the decisions my children make. This is what my parents in law did when their son said he wanted to marry me; a divorcee with three children who is ten years older than him. They pointed out the potential pitfalls, but then offered their unstinting support - and rightly as it turned out as I've been happily married to their son for thirty years and still going strong.

The one notable exception was when my daughter was in a period of grief stricken chaos as a new widow and put a deposit down on a puppy. I told her that under no circumstances would I support her decision to have a dog at that time as she was barely functioning and had a new baby to consider. She cancelled the purchase (lost the deposit of £200) and has thanked me ever since.

She's just bought a kitten.

sunseeker this situation sounds just like a scenario being played out on the Archers between Rob and Helen. Some women are often attracted to controlling men, thinking that decision making and taking over is a manly trait, but if taken too far it can become emotional abuse. This often happens when a girl has grown up in a house where the mother 'wears the trousers', a young girl sees that as a weakness and be attracted by the opposite, not realising that the marriage is still happy and suits those involved. Someone needs to take your great niece out for a drink or something, and explain to her that there is a line between being decisive, and being controlling without regard to the other's wishes, and that it does not show love, only conceit and a lack of respect and care for her as an individual. Only she can decide when he has crossed the line and if she is willing to live with it, but she needs to realize it before she starts a family, if she has not already done so. She may hate the person giving the advice, and her boyfriend will be furious with the person when he finds out, so it would be better if it is not close family as he might ban her from seeing them. The important thing is for her to stop and think and understand that her relationship migh be termed abusive, and she has a choice about staying in it. Here is a useful website : www.lwa.org.uk/understanding-abuse/abusive-relationships/domestic-abuse-definition.htm

Nelliemoser Her mother is concerned and although her father (my nephew) doesn't say much I know he is also worried. Her mother is very outspoken and at the last family get together the boyfriend said something about being very strict about what my great niece wears and her mother immediately confronted him and said it was nothing to do with him - he didn't say anything but they left soon after.

I think everyone is quite concerned but as I said are hoping that by not making a big thing of it she will see sense and drop him. Her older sister has completed her university course and has a well paid job, has bought a house with her boyfriend and is doing well. They are very close and we are hoping that when she sees how happy and successful her sister is she will want the same for herself. We can but hope.

Same here greyduster but it hurts a bit knowing their in turmoil doesn't it? One of my sons turned up one evening with a bottle of really good brandy and said" let's sit down just the three of us and have a drink" he'd never done that before so we were surprised, but thought oh this is a new phase...lovely. He then proceeded to say his marriage was in serious trouble and he didn't know which way to jump. He said he was worried about how the decision would affect us. We were horrified and told him that when making such a serious decisions about his life he mustn't consider our feelings at all. He must do what he felt was right. We'd appreciate being kept in the loop and would support both him and his wife to the best of our ability. As it turned out they were able to sort things out. But it worried us a little on many counts. One, that he was so unhappy. two, that he would stay in a relationship that made him miserable because he didn't want to upset/ disappoint us. Three, the affect on his lovely little family. Families, they certainly keep us on our toes don't they!

My brother in law has two failed marriages and is now living in total chaos with his partner who is decidedly lazy and does not lift a finger in the house. She is addicted to computer games.

His big sister has visited and found thehouse with piles of dirty dishes in the sink. Her brother is now quite reluctant to let his sister come into the house because of the state of the place.

My late MIL would turn in her grave if she knew what a mess he was in.

My son was prone to this. He seems to be attracted, like iron filings to a magnet, to women who have complicated lives and enormous amounts of emotional baggage. We have only once counselled him against a relationship, which he wasn't pleased about, but he came to his senses of his own volition fortunately, before he married someone who would have ruined his career and dragged him down. I think he has only once in his adult life found someone who's made him truly happy, but unfortunately she died. He still brings his troubles home to the sounding board of mum and dad, but we tend just to listen and not to interfere.

Sunseeker From what you say about your great neice her boyfriend sounds worryingly controlling. What do her parents think about this?

synonymous I didn't find it the advice odd at all. I felt it was sharing an honest insight on how at times my young adult children felt. It wasn't said with any malice. It was when we were drinking tea and chatting about both our concerns over a younger sibling. In fact looking back I'm grateful. It allowed me to deal sensitively with the minor and big problems that raised as my children moved from the teenage years to full mature adults. The funny thing is that as they moved into their thirties we were the first call for advice or as a sounding board. I've learnt as much from my children as they've learnt from me. Now that my grandchildren are moving towards their early teens. My response is much more measured. I've got my experience with my own children to thank for that. Now I know If things get rocky, just hold on tight the crisis often passes
The post wasn't just about relationships. It was about the difficulties of being a parent to my young adult children. I often look back and realise the anxiety I must have caused my own parents. Hindsight is a wonderful thing (sighs)

morethan it is an odd reaction to feel resentful towards you when your concerns have been proved to be well founded! One would hope they would see you as a wise and useful source of good advice.
Sadly it is often only their own experience that teaches after DC have flown the nest. Pride is a dreadful thing and is what keeps young people from acknowledging that they don't know everything.
Whilst they are young enough to listen and accept that parents know best is your only chance really and the younger they are the better!

My DD3 is a bit prone to disastrous relationships. Unfortunately she had a child by one of them, and married another who left her when she was 6 months pregnant. We could see both of these disasters coming but as everyone on here has said, you can't tell them. In her case, though, there are 2 children involved in the fallout, which is worrying.

The unpleasantness hasn't gone away either. Her ex can be quite vindictive.

I think it is much wider than just relationships, it is so hard to decide when to give advice and when not to. I don't think any of us get it just right.

On one occasion I pushed rather harder than I would like because I was convinced it was necessary and it resulted in DS being able to buy the house he wanted. He never did thank me for interfering with the mortgage advisor but I know he knows.

Currently another DS and DiL are planning to move and started off wanting a house with everything 'done' because they don't have time to update it themselves. I said the usual thing about Location being the most important thing and that if the house was in the right place they could pay someone to make it their own. He disagreed, she said nothing. Now, months later they have found where they want to live and are willing to buy anything, whatever condition, as long as it is just there. Sometimes they simply learn for themselves.

I know what you mean morethan but..when I got engaged only my maternal GM (my sister was only eleven and very happy to be bridesmaid) stood up for me.
Everybody else said it would never last as he was older than me and divorced!
We have been married for a very happy 35 yrs
And what more, most of those that tutted and fretted have not lasted in their marriages as long as we have.
My best friend also expressed doubts and she is now on her third marriage!

My great niece is going out with a disaster waiting to happen. He has influenced her to stop studying to such an extent she failed her final exams and is unable to get into university, he dictates what she should wear and has on occasion attempted to stop her attending family get togethers unless he is also present. Although he is outwardly very polite to the family I have a bad feeling about him. I haven't said anything to her but when talking to her mother she told me she also had a gut feeling he is trouble.

He is always made welcome by the rest of the family but they are always the last to arrive and first to leave a family gathering. Everyone is hoping that by not making a big thing about disliking him it will eventually run its course and she will see him for what he is.

Years ago my sister entered into a disastrous relationship. We never liked the man and We knew from the start it would end badly and, unfortunately, it did. We never told her what we thought of the chap as we knew she would simply cut off contact with us. Since we remained quiet she felt she could call on us when the time arose, which unfortunately it did.
It's very hard to watch loved ones making these mistakes but there is little we can do except be there to help them when needed.

People learn from their mistakes. Ideally, it'd be nice to think they sometimes learned from someone else's mistakes but, hey, that's life.

I know exactly what you mean morethan my DD (now all settled thank goodness) was the worlds worst for attracting relationships which where doomed for failure and all I could do was sit back and watch them disintegrate then pick up the pieces she always knew what was best and would never admit she was wrong,it all comes under the banner of unconditional motherly love don't you think.?