Thoughtful Posting

Imperfect; there is a minority who post with a no-nonsense attitude; the result is carping and insensitivity. Posting in a forthright manner is a platitude for rudeness and lack of empathy.

There is a clique in one blog section, who prey on GN's "they" consider they can publicly look small and miserable. *There should be
a gaping head of a crocodile to warn the unsuspecting in that section*.

To GNHQ
Time to scrutinise and block posts on finding insensitive, rude and hurtful ones. Also, to warn the initiator, then remove them if they
refuse to apologise - to those concerned.

*Also, warn those who receive PMs they must not reveal any part of
it. I would have thought this too be a no brainer*.

Well said*Anya*

Love Grannylynes rhyme!

There once was a forum called Gransnet,
Whose tone made sensitive types fret,
So along came a mender
Tried to make it more friendlier
But instead caused far more upset!

A thread about a thread never begins, middles or ends well.

That did cross my mind

When this thread was started on Thursday I had my misgivings and I can say it has absolutely lived down to my expectations. As I said somewhere, threads not infrequently produce the opposite response to the one they claim to be seeking. A thread purporting to be about "thoughtful" presumably, considerate "posting " has produced,( despite some calm and reasoned posts, from thatbags, Ariadne, absent, Ana,kittylester, Jalima, elegran and others, so apologies if I have not mentioned all those who have done their best,)the sort of vitriol that brings nothing but discredit to GN.
We have another thread about "Why I joined GN", well if any potential member were to wade through the unpleasantness which characterises this thread, the question would be academic. Who would want to join a forum where one is hectored from the outset, where (unjustified) accusations of thoughtlessness and lack of sympathy are bandied about? Rather run screaming for the hills.

Though gransnet can be quite exciting
Some posters are really quite biting
If some thought for a bit
And stopped posting s**t
It really would be more inviting

I'm intrigued by the number of references to people having discussion via PM rather than on the open forum. I feels a bit like those girls in the playground who'd gather in little groups to talk about other people behind their backs.

I've ploughed my way through this long thread and just want to say, out loud - thanks thatbags. I've enjoyed your honest, to the point and (in my opinion) sensible contributions to this discussion.

In the end, the title of this thread is what has amused me the most, with its implication that the sharp retort I gave on the other thread was not backed up by thoughtfulness. My subsequent explanations of my "back up" thoughts should have put paid to that idea; thoughtfulness was the very essence of my response: thoughtfulness for the people most affected by the birth and in my view the most in need of thoughtfulness.

So we grannies sometimes get anxious? So bloody what? We're human. We have feelings. Of course we get anxious. But our anxiousness is not always worthy of consideration by others. And that is what the granny in question wanted. I think that was unreasonable and said so.

Next time, I might temper my method of saying so but I will be thinking the same thoughts about self-centredness if that's what comes across.

I guess we're at like it or lump it stage now. I'm out for the day so you can continue in peace not to like my attitude.

It occurred to me in the shower just now, that people are perhaps making the mistake of thinking that I was criticising the grandmother's feelings. I was not. I was criticising her expectations. It is her expectation of consideration from her son and daughter-in-law that I was criticising. In my view, in the circumstances described, they were the only people in need of consideration in the hours after a traumatic birth. Which consideration, in the case described, involved patience from grandma.

Was any mention made of grandpa? Is there one? If so, what was he doing the while?

Waiting patiently for more news?

If one doesn"t want one's feelings criticised, don't put them on a public forum and ask if people think one is being unreasonable.

Feelings are not above criticism. The criticism doesn't mean the feelings are wrong or invalid, just that they might not be the most important ones around at the time.

I also explained, in case you didn't see that bit, eloethan, that I would just as critical of the same feelings in myself. So it is not a person I am criticising but what I see as a tendency to self-centredness. My point was that, yes, a grandmother waiting for news (although the one in question had received the essential and good news), can feel anxious, but that she should not feel that her feelings of anxiousness are more important than the tumultuous feelings that new parents are dealing with straight after a traumatic birth, and so she should not be criticising their behaviour in "keeping her waiting" for more news.

The story is a lesson in patience and self-control and I would apply it equally to myself. I think there is a tendency nowadays for us to regard our own feelings as the most important ones and the ones worthy of special consideration. I don't agree that a person's feelings are necessarily important to other people and I think that an expectation that they should be is unreasonable and was in the circumstances.

No-one else has to like this point of view, but it is what I think and, as I've also said already, I am not ashamed of it. It's how I was taught to be considerate of others. Part of that teaching included a few sharp retorts to self-centredness on my part. Didn't do me any harm.

Your last paragraph and especially the last 2 sentences particularly resonate with me Elegran, and I think that this is what Imperfect refers to (being told to 'grow a pair' is one IMO)

Well said ?

Annodomini your comment "Well adjusted middle-aged adults don't need me to worry about them" seemed a bit complacent to me. I'm not so sure that anybody - whatever their age - is so well adjusted and without tragedies and difficulties in their lives that they will never cause anxiety to those close to them.

thatbags Your response "get over yourself" was, I think, unnecessarily combative. You seemed to be apologising in a later post for expressing yourself in a way that you felt had been misinterpreted or taken too seriously. However, in later posts you continued to make similarly caustic remarks - "basically it is a way of whining - of saying you want something different from what you have been given", you refer to "emotional blackmail" and "selfish of a grandmother to think mostly of her feelings"

I think there is a big difference between a thread talking about impersonal matters and one where someone is opening up - expressing all sorts of feelings that they might feel they should not have but which they nevertheless do have. Even though we are anonymous on this site, to have one's behaviour and feelings criticised or derided can feel like a personal attack. Imperfect seems fairly able to stand up for herself, but there may be other posters who are at a particularly low ebb and these sorts of remarks may be very hurtful. There are constructive ways of commenting honestly which do not have to include character assassination.

Damn it ! I pop off to get a life and miss something !!

Last time I do that .

Surprised OlderNoWiser's one is still there. Perhaps they agree (that we all do far too much posting on here all day )

#odd

Well, the offending bit can't be the bit I copied above as my post is still there - for the moment!

Oh my gosh! They've deleted pp's post! That is such a shame. It was a classic.

Boring gits (HQrs)

Someone tell 'em I said "stuff it"

Petra please don't put me in the same bracket as pettypollly I have no time for people like that,

Destination yawn city!!!

What me or bookdreamer?

Ok. That was nasty jane10.

Stuff it.

No one likes being told what to do!

(especially at our age...)

Well that's not very thoughtful. I'm now all upset. Might have to leave

Oh for goodness sake. Be quiet.