How to just get over it

I came across this quite by chance. I am a champion standard over-thinker and Anya's advice 'next time you feel the urge to look back don't go there', is great advice. Not dwelling on things at 5.00am is particularly good advice. I am going to try to observe both.
But there was another sentence that struck me. You have to work while MIL looks after the baby. I would guess that you and I share a trait. In all probability your family will be a bit baffled by the complexity of your feelings, whilst they are also dashing through their day. After my mother's death, I could not 'stew silently' (for ages) any more, effectively waiting for dil to guess what was wrong. My tip is just to say things, before an emotional volcano has started to build. It is healthier, for a start. But once they know where you are coming from, things work so much better. So that is my resolution, with thanks to Anya, no more pent up secret hurt, and tentatively learning a rather more eased way of communicating. It works and it feels good XX

Absentdaughter never ceases to take the p* out of me (she's so good at it) and has, on occasion, genuinely criticised me. However, woe betide anyone else who tries to do so, whether her husband, father, my husband, her in-laws, friends or whoever. It is natural for close family members to be defensive about those they love – even if it is not really necessary or logical.

You say you 'look back' at the situation. I know that some people find it hard to let go of something that's hurt them in the past. But you have to do just that. Put it right out of your mind. Stop revisiting it. Especially at 5.00am.

I'm glad you have a strategy for putting things back into perspective. That is the way forward. So next time you feel the urge to 'look back' don't go there. Think of your grandson instead and be pleased that your relationship with his mother is mending.

Thank you Anya! I am trying every day to change the way I look back at the whole situation and even see my dil trying hard too. When I do go to that dark place I look at my grandsons video and it puts things back into prospective. It's about him. I want him to feel that we all love him by loving each other. I know I am truly blessed.

Don't take that personally, it may be that she finds the lives of those people more interesting. MiL is livid that DBH finds researching my family far more interesting and diverse than that of his own family. He said he was fed up with reading about ancestors who always ended up living in the workhouse!

I keep feeling sad that my daughter has no interest in my family history even though she seems enthralled by her fathers family and her husbands. As I have no family to speak of my 'ancestors' are very important to me. I know I'm being silly .

I have let things fester in the past and one day (when I was going through a particularly horrible time) I exploded at my daughter. I am usually a meek, simpering mouse and to say she was shocked was an understatement. I said things to her I should never have said. I will regret it until my dying day. Thankfully she forgave me, although I'm not sure I deserve it. If you can possibly let things go, or talk things over in a calm way, I think that is the best route to take. Not easy sometimes.

Good advice Anya, it's not so easy to overcome hurt angry feelings, but in a family it's so important to have peace.
Husband and I had a horrible row yesterday, partly the heat, partly tiredness. We said really nasty things to eachother and I was boiling inside.
Anyway TG we both decided to back down and apologise at about the same time.

I'm glad you got it sorted out, Anya. It's so easy to make a simple slip-up and not realise the impact it will have, I nearly had one with my own DD once, all because I pulled my GS away from a toy he wanted when we were in a hurry and in danger of losing the rest of the family. DD said I should have stayed there, let him admire the toy and they would have come back to find us. I didn't have my phone on me at the time. When we caught up with them he was grizzling slightly - that was enough to send her into a rage!

Re your DiL, you say "she is a good person". That is such a good thing to hear and a lovely thing for you to say.

With that attitude you'll get it all sorted

Thank you all! I'm the one always giving the advice and this time I will take my own advice and yours. Let it go! Time will heal! , It will all work out, etc. I will continue to work on this and to build my relationship again with my DIL. She is a good person and I must believe that she is having a hard time just as I am. Being a new grandmother is the best thing in the world and it seems I have a lot to learn but I'm willing. Thank you for listening!!!!!!

Families are all different. Some have explosive arguements and then forget all about them and move on. People like me get upset and disappear into a hole for a long time letting things fester. It led to me not seeing my grandchildren for months a few years ago. Perhaps you're still blaming the MIL for what happened, feeling aggrieved and those feelings are being picked up by DIL? I agree that you have to draw a line under it and start afresh [and must remember to take my own advice in the future ].

Thank you KatyK and vegasmags

Anya - I wish that the phrase 'I decided things had to change, starting with me' could be displayed on billboards up and down the country. I am really glad that your wisdom led to a resolution and that things are back to normal.

Good advice from Anya. I was in a similar situation with my daughter. It could have got out of hand (and nearly did) so I had to change my attitude and let it go. It wasn't easy but things are better now.

It's not just DiL this can happen with daughters too as happened to me recently.

I won't go into it, but everything you've said resonates with me so I do understand and I, like you, was pretty upset by the whole situation until I decided things had to change, starting with me. So just last Tuesday I nipped into Tesco and picked up a couple of pairs of swimming shorts for her boys, and a packet of hobnobs and phoned to find out if I could call in for coffee. I breezed in, all smiles, gave boys their presents, DD a big hug and biscuits and asked after her, her work, her friends, etc..

Upshot was we had a lovely half hour (said I had to be somewhere, didn't want to outstay welcome) and everything is back to 'normal'

I think what I'm saying here is, don't overthink this. Let your bad feelings, little grudges, all the niggles in your head, let them go. Just go to see her in a happy frame of mind, take a little gift (don't over do it) be smiley, a little chatty, ask after her and son, admire wonderful grandson, say she must be proud of him, tell her she's doing a great job and then leave (with a hug?) and a smile.

This may well be all that's needed. You just need to start again the way you mean to go on.

I don't have any advice about how to let it go but you are wise to realise that that is what you must do. Time is a great healer. Good luck