Please help me understand 'grief'.

Have you thought about bereavement counselling? It sounds just what might help you through this.

Oh kassi what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Grieving is a miserable process, but process it is and there is no short cut. Keep your eyes on the horizon and one day you will realize that you don't feel quite so raw. No-one can say when that will be, but it will be and you will come out of this pit of despair and begin to live your life once again. But do remember THIS IS NORMAL.

Grief is tough - and there are so many people on here who will understand.

We all react differently. Do you have any family around you or are you having to deal with it all on your own?

I am wondering if it might be useful to try and get a referral to a counsellor who might be able to help you talk through what is going on and support you through this difficult time. You could try CRUSE (http://www.cruse.org.uk/) who help those who are bereaved; or there might be a counsellor attached to your GP surgery.

I do not think that alcohol is the answer, so it might make sense to steer clear of that, as you do not want to create even more problems.

It is a hard time for you - I know, I have been there - but it truly does pass.

Your feelings of being overwhelmed could be caused by exhaustion as well as grief, kassi. Soutra's suggestion of bereavement counselling could be a step in the right direction.

Oh Kassi - so very sorry for you. Yes, I can assure you what you are feeling is definitely the first stages of grief. It is horrid and there is no quick fix - it is overwhelming at times. You are right, you are suffering a double whammy of it. I can only assure you that it does eventually pass and life takes on meaning again. Don't despair, know that this is normal and healthy and trust in your innate ability to cope with this. Accept that it will take time and be kind to yourself. My heart goes out to you. I found it helpful to say to myself "this too will pass" out loud and sometimes into my reflection in the mirror.

Raw grief is a complex emotion that includes feelings that sometimes take people by surprise – anger and guilt, for example – as well as the expected sadness and sense of loss. Grief counselling might help and is worth a try if your feelings are unbearable. Alcohol is ultimately a depressant and not such a good idea.

kassi no matter what age you are, when both your Mum and Dad die, you feel like an orphan.

I have lost both my Mum and Dad and what I would say to you is the less you dwell on it, the easier it will be.

Take your mind off it as much as possible, have your little cry as we all do but then don't dwell, think of the funny happy times.

It gets better Hun x

kassi Feelings of grief are often overwhelming, and I understand your confusion. I agree with what absent says.

You may find it is cyclical in terms of coping. Sometime overwhelming, and sometimes you may feel a sense of flatness - an inability to comprehend and define the rawness of it all.

It will take time, but understanding that may help you through it.

I wish wish you well.

kassi I feel so sad for you - I lost my father 41 years ago and my mother 17 years later. The grief was overwhelming. I can't add any more to what has already been said so kindly by other posters here.
I wonder, though, if you might find comfort or help in a book I read after I lost my mum - A Grief Observed, by C S Lewis. He so perfectly described how grief felt to him - the confusion, the bewilderment, the way one minute he felt he could cope and the next he was plunged back into despair or mind-numbing lethargy. I felt soothed by his words and by the fact that here was someone who knew how I felt.
He was a religious man, a theologian and naturally his beliefs are referenced in the book. If you are not religious this may not be for you.
I wish you better days kassi, and they will come.

Kassi, yes it is grief and it can't be denied. I lost my daughter in January and am bewildered by the grief. I know I will never be the same again. I'm going to try grief counselling, though I feel I should be able to find a way through. I'm realising that there is no short cut and I have to go through the process. I used to have a faith, but it's gone and I can't understand why, when now is when I could use it. Kassi, I think eventually we will find a way to live with the grief but I doubt it will ever fade.

I don't think the grief fades so much as becomes less raw and painful. My father died, aged 67, in 1979 and I still miss him and I still think about him a lot. Sometimes I dream that we are doing something together – usually something as ordinary as laying the table for dinner or chatting while standing in a queue. The same is true of my mother who died at the age of 92 in 2003. The empty mum- and dad-shaped spaces in your heart will never be filled but the pain of their absence will be ameliorated by the happy memories that seem to grow sharper with time.

When my husband died the shock was unbearable as he was not even ill.I went through a very bad time because you dont want to be a burden to your family so you try to cope with it yourself but realy this is not nessasery in the end I had to get help and that help came through CRUSE.they are truly wonderful please please do try them they will be able to help x

Daisy - there is no "should" for you or anyone else about finding a way through alone.

Bereavement counselling can help and there is no need to feel that you are weak if you need this help.

Some other cultures (and ours a few hundred years ago) had better rituals for grief - weep and wail loudly, supported by family and friends, wearing mourning clothes etc. - they got through it as a group, with clear guidelines as to what people should do, both the bereaved person and those around them. It is fairly recently that we set ourselves the impossible task of going it alone and getting through it on our own.

It is not natural to have to hold all this in, and what we have now instead of the old rituals are bereavement counsellors. Don't hold back from using them just because you feel you ought to be able to do it yourself. It really isn't natural to struggle through with a stiff upper lip.

I do so agree Mishap. I think we should bring back the black armband so that others can see we are in mourning and therefore not functioning as we once did.

I've been so controlled since my DH died and only let go once. When the coffin went down at the Crematorium. I let out one terrible scream. Afterwards I went about apologising to the "guests."

I recommend Cruse as a place where you can be natural in grief. You can go to a group or have one to one. I really cried during these sessions and it was a huge relief.

kassi - take time and take care of yourself. You have been through two awful traumas and need time to heal.

I lost my Dh, my best friend, and my son's mother-in-law in the space of seven months. My eldest son's life was also threatened by cancer and I thought I would lose him too (he is in recovery TG)

kassi and Daisy]

I do so agree Mishap. I think we should bring back the black armband so that others can see we are in mourning and therefore not functioning as we once did.

I've been so controlled since my DH died and only let go once. When the coffin went down at the Crematorium. I let out one terrible scream. Afterwards I went about apologising to the "guests."

I recommend Cruse as a place where you can be natural in grief. You can go to a group or have one to one. I really cried during these sessions and it was a huge relief.

kassi - take time and take care of yourself. You have been through two awful traumas and need time to heal.

I lost my Dh, my best friend, and my son's mother-in-law in the space of seven months. My eldest son's life was also threatened by cancer and I thought I would lose him too (he is in recovery TG)

kassi and Daisy]

I don't know about the black armband, when my Father died in 1949 his whole family went into black clothing for months and my Mother was criticised for buying a tweed suit 9 months later. I suppose it does enable people to know to treat you with extra care.
kassi it is very early days for you,just feel how you want to feel and not how you think others expect. We are individuals and will react differently.Give yourself time to mourn and grieve and I hope you soon feel lighter in your mood.

kassi I'm so sorry you are feeling like this. It is as others have said a natural process. I went through the same thing myself a few years ago when both my parents dies within a few years of each other with cancer. I didn't get help and I should have done. I ate and drank far too much instead of talking to anyone about t and made myself very ill. I would urge you to get bereavement counselling and talk about what you are experiencing to stop you internalising all those negative and hurt feelings. I hope today at east is a better day for you.

The raw pain will pass, not by the calendar , do not turn to alcohol please, it may ease the pain for a little while but when the effects wear off the pain will still be there , it's rather like a scar which fades as time passes , cry but also allow yourself to laugh , where you are now your parents once were when they grieved for their loved ones . Grief really is the price we pay for the love we received and it does fade . I did find 'A Grief Observed' as suggested by Ash Tree helpful . Remind yourself - this too will pass x

Flowers and hugs for you Kassi, you need lots of friends around you. Try and get out and about a bit. Ever thought of joining a chior, it's a very cathartic activity along with the added bonus of making new friends. Best not to seek solace in the alcohol. [fowers]

Kassi Many years ago someone recommended this book to me: Bereavement Studies of Grief in Adult Life by Colin Murray Parkes. It's not as 'heavyweight' as the title might suggest! I think I probably read the original version, so I can't comment on the newer books. I seem to remember that it explains the various stages that one goes through - anger, sadness, sense of loss etc - all being perfectly normal.

There's no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone reacts differently to a loss and may experience the symptoms in a completely different way or order from someone else. My OH didn't even start to grieve until a year after his DM died and then it just gushed out of him.

It's 7 years since my mum died - a few days after my 60th birthday - and I have to say the others are right about the rawness improving over time.
However, just this morning I realised that it does not fade away.
I had just finished knitting a shawl for the DD of a good friend and the thought which popped into my mind was that I should go and visit Mum to show it to her.
She knitted some beautiful baby clothes and always encouraged us too.
Immediately I stopped myself but shed a few tears.
Yes we recover from the immediate shock but we don't forget.
Be gentle with yourself.

I started to go online to buy my Dad a birthday card - it would have been his birthday on 10th April - and suddenly remembered he died 2 years ago - how daft is that!? It brought it all back again. I miss him - he was a character.

There are no easy answers I'm afraid. I lost my mum when I was 23 (my youngest sister was only 14 at the time). Our father was an alcoholic who was no father at all. I lost my brother to suicide when he was 24, my nephew to leukemia at 16, my sister-in-law (his mother) died suddenly at the age of 49 - just collapsed and died in the house, the list goes on. I thought I might be losing my husband to cancer last year but fortunately that ended well. I am so sorry for all who are struggling with grief. Daisy I can't imagine what you are going through. I agree with what Mishap says above, there is no "should".

I wonder kassi if you had no opportunity to mourn your Mother as you were straight into looking after your Father. Thus you are having a double impact now that your Father has died. Talk about them laugh and cry and don't shy away from seeking help.