Feeling sad

All very true.....and sad, history repeating itself? My mother once said she wishes she'd had a bolthole when we were young, I was shocked because my parents always seemed so happy together, celebrated their 64th wedding anniversary yesterday......

Isn't it just...

How interesting that so many of us were told 'You made your bed'. My mother asked not so long ago why I stayed with Ex for so long, I replied that I had had to wait until I could find somewhere to live. She asked why I hadn't gone to her! I repeated to her exactly what she had said and she looked very guilty and shuffled around a bit. She said it was partly because she had hoped that matters would sort themselves out (No, I would have been dead) and partly that her own mother had said it to her when she tried to leave my father, and it just sort of came out, although she had vowed never to say it to any of us. She was quite shocked that she had said it to me, and seemed to have no memory of saying it, but was very sorry that she had. I think it was her initial gut reaction though, she just didn't want the bother. Whereas I have always tried to mentally plan for such a possibility, she did not. I suppose it's a hangover from the days when you simply didn't leave, you hung on in there no matter how miserable you were.

How sad harrigran, life's so unpredictable isn't it?

We have just heard that a body has been found in the region where DS's friend from work went missing. He was exactly the same age as DS and a very experienced walker

I was told 'You've made your bed etc' on the way to my wedding.
My mother lost her own mother when she was 6, and had no experience of being loved, which possibly explains some things........
She has always been closer to my sisters, and remains so now. I've never done anything right in her eyes so that's not going to change!
I've always told my DCs I'd be there for them, in anyway I can.

I do hope you don't think from my post that I wouldn't help mine. Both my DC's marriages have failed and I have helped every step of the way. At the moment with DD it is financial and I am glad to be in the situation to do it,and she hasn't asked but I have been aware help would be needed in the short term.

My own mother didn't get help from hers when she needed it, you would have thought she would have been a little more understanding.

I think I am there for my DCs precisely for that reason annsixty - I wish my mother had been there for me. What I got was 'You made your bed, you lie in it'. I wanted to leave an abusive Ex at the time, and needed a refuge. My DCs will always have one, no matter how short of space I am.

It is so sad loopyloo I would have been told "you made your bed...".

Isn't it sad if you can't turn to your mother?
The one (and only) time I did just that, when I really was seeking support, the response was 'I can't be doing with this' so I've never done it since.
Luckily my DD would get a very different and positive response on the rare occasion that's happened.
FB - I don't use it, seeing my niece atrociously bullied through FB was enough to put me off forever.

Just read this thread for the first time and will say straightaway I don't do Fb but my first thoughts are,how many of you relied on or told your Mums when things went wrong? I would never ever have told mine and as for telling her I couldn't cope, hell would have frozen over first. Have we made them non self reliant or do they just like to share everything in their lives. It is a foreign concept to me.

I also agree that FB/twitter are great for spreading the word when looking for missing people etc.

jane - Yes I do 'get it' it's just not for me. My DD has the same feelings as yours - that she ought to be able to cope. I have offered to help her in the past and have said 'I hope you don't feel that I think you can't cope just because I offer assistance'. She said 'I can't cope most of the time' but she rarely asks for help. I try not to intrude, just wait to be asked. I'm sure Facebook is great for most people (my DD has recently rekindled a friendship that ended on a bad note a few years ago. The reunion came about because of FB). I think it can also make some people feel (as in my case) excluded and that everyone is having a jolly time when some of us are not.

I would hate it to go.

KatyK I think DD puts in on FB rather than just phone me because she feels she is now a grown-up and ought to be able to cope. She doesn't like to intrude, but she knows that various friends and relatives who have the time, at that time, will get back to her. Which seems sensible to me. Phone calls can often come at extremely awkward moments - such as one I had just now when I had a problem standing on my doorstep that needed sorting out - and with fb messaging you can do it at a time that suits you all, like this board. I love the three-way chats I have on fb with my DCs.

I have friends on my Facebook who I know I would have lost touch with by now.

DD's friend posted photos of old buildings in New York while she was there. I really enjoyed them and told her so, then lots of other people posted they were enjoying them too. I like to see friends gardens and renovations, knitting, funny posts, sad stories, photos and lots of other things. One woman posted pictures of the straw bale house they were building in Tasmania.

I also enjoy seeing special food people have cooked. DD has a friend who lives in Japan and she loves cooking and posts her dishes sometimes.

It really can be a positive thing, my daughters and I have a three way continual chat on Private Messages. DD1 is the worst person in the world for keeping in touch, her friends and DD2 all complain about it, so this works for us.

FB has its good points. Like Harrigran says, it is great for spreading the word about missing pets, and our local page has gone viral with the page of a moron breaking into a local restaurant and being caught on CCTV. It is good to share people's good news and their bad, but yes, sometimes people use it as a forum to boast, but heyho, there are worse habits.

One of the good things about Facebook is being able to spread the word about missing people and lost pets. At present a work colleague of DS is missing in Scotland, he set out to do a walk on Saturday and nobody has heard from him since. The mountain rescue are out looking and we are all sharing the information on FB in the hope that they find him soon.

Nina - when I was on FB I used to see people posting pics of their dinner. How odd.

nina I have a friend who only ever posts her boasts! She never 'likes' or 'shares' anything anyone else posts. I just laugh. Nowt so strange as folks.

The Idiot does that especially when his plate is overloaded!

KatyK what I find incomprehensible is the likes of my nephew's wife who quiet regularly posts pictures of what they're having for dinner. like anyone gives a ......

I like Facebook and use it as a quick way of keeping up with busy friends all over the place. We have a laugh, we look at each other's photos etc. If anyone ever did anything unpleasant or simply something I didn't life I would just 'unfriend' them and that would be that.

I agree Nina that parenting is hard and sometimes relentless. Oh for the days when they were small and their problems could so easily be solved.

Just because they are adults doesn't stop us loving and caring for them. DiL hates that we help DS (probably because she doesn't get any from her family) and taunts DS about it saying the children won't need help when they grow up because of her perfect parenting! She has a lot to learn.

Call me old fashioned then but I have no idea why anyone would put their troubles on FB when they have a mum or a friend at the end of the phone. Yes, I know it's what they do today but I will never understand it.

My DD vents on fb too, I just pick up the phone and ask if she wants a shoulder - we've done exactly that just now. Things just get on top of them, it's a bit like a call for help when it goes on FB. Rather than sit and stare at her walls she writes down what she is feeling, I think it's healthier. It's not as if she does it enough enough to look needy. she says it's easier than ringing around all her friends to see who else needs a natter and a bit of sympathy. It's probably her equivalent of putting it on somewhere like this. DD doesn't do forums.

Ruby6918 She is an adult, with two children of her own and not living at home. She's just having a hard time at the moment.