lonely

Indeed so. You could contact:

- CAB - say it's urgent
- womens aid
- a solicitor
- your bank
- any friends and relatives who might have practical help to offer or provide a bolthole
- your DD - she needs to know how things are now
- Samaritans if things get desperate - they may also be able to pass you on to other sources of help
- GP
- your local social services department
- www.refuge.org.uk/get-help-now/help-for-women/
- www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk
- www.nhs.uk/livewell/abuse/pages/domestic-violence-help.aspx
- leavingabuse.com/domestic.../help-for-abused-and-battered-women.html
- www.enddomesticabuse.org/emotional_verbal_abuse.php?tabs=0&gclid=CN32uID8uMMCFUPJtAod1DAAGg

There's a lot out there! Good luck.

I had a good day at work, a welcome distraction! Came home quite buoyant talked to my daughter and then had something to eat, then he walked in, completely ignored me ate and has just gone to bed, I am so lost. I immediately sought out the laptop to tell all of you how I feel, I know Elegran and Anya your question is jumping out at me!!
I havent told anyone except two friends who are abroad, here I feel so ashamed to tell anyone, there is only one person I could approach at work, she's a kind soul, do you think I should go to her for help, her husband cheated on her with her best friend. Ok while I was typing I called her as in the morning I would have chickened out!
I feel so ashamed as its not something I want to admit especially to a work colleague!
But im left with no choice, this man has my back against the wall!
I stand to lose a lot but at least I'll have my daughter and peace of mind. Its gone from good to bad to unbearable, I wouldn't make my enemy endure this mental torture, I have no black and blue patches to show the abuse that he puts me through, everyone sees me as this independent working wkman who drives and tends to her garden, and does the household chores but they dont see me behind closed doors, he on the other hand is living his life paying the bills as he calls it, and so giving himself the right to treat me really bad, not speak to his daughter, who still needs him, despite everything, he is ger father! She has done him no wrong, but he seeks to punish her as he knows that is one of the ways of piercing my heart, for one reason, I WONT SLEEP WITH HIM!

Ginette I have had a break for a day or two and have come to this page of your thread with some surprise. You started by saying how your daughter going to university has left you feeling lonely and how you are missing her. Now I recognise that this is not incompatible with what seems to be a much wider and serious issue, but cannot quite see at what point the subject of the thread changed.

I do not wish to pry but wonder if you are willing to share, or indeed if it helpful, how the apparently dodgy financial dealings come into the equation and what sounds like mental cruelty? Perhaps I just missed it, but I was unaware of these aspects in your original post. You say "At least I'll have my daughter", but was the original point not that you felt your daughter had gone off to uni, as it were without a backward glance?

Feel free to tell me to mind my own business or refer me to where the problem changed if you want, but I wonder whether the well-intentioned advice about getting out and about and filling the "hole " of ENS was not entirely irrelevant.

Is your daughter at home?

I was miserable for many years and thought the logistics wouldn't allow me to divorce, I only worked 12 hours weekly, my son was just starting uni while living at home (to start with). I had £1,000 in an account.

Believe me.... it can be done.
Within 5 minutes of me saying to ex that this was it.... divorce.... I felt like a butterfly, the weight was gone from my shoulders and no matter what was done or said, I was still free. I didn't know how it would work out but I was worth more than misery.

With the 50% equity I bought a very small house for myself, and for my son for as long as he wanted/needed me.

Ginette Think what it would be like to walk in your own front door with a light heart.

Soutra I cant type everything again if you cars to refer to the thread! The whole situation arose with my daughter leaving for university, I lived through a 22 year difficult marriage for her for the past 18 years as the first 3 years were ok. I was surrounded by family at the time and was younger
The situation has changed completely, the man is killing me, he has accused me of having affairs, not being there for him because I was and still am apparently all for my daughter!
He controls me financially, he checks up on everything I do.
Basically I am tired I need out but as Coolgran suggests moving away is not that straight forward for me. I have been a bit reckless with the plastic! Trying to buy comfort and happiness so I'm in debt, there is not much equity in this house, he is a very clever man he has put his debt on it and so I'll be lucky to get anything!
As I really have no one to turn to I'm on this forum just clutching at straws, Soutra please dont be unkind, if only you could walk in my shoes right now and feel what I feel at this precise moment!

Perhaps someone could take Ginette (and anyone else interested) step by step through the process of divorce.

This could be the world's first on-line divorce.

Could you do it Coolgran?

Thanks jinglbellfrocks

What makes you feel I have been unkind or unfair? I had no intention of being unkind and am sorry if anything I said was construed that way, just wondering aloud I suppose (and again this is entirely your own business) though why you didn't outline the problem at the outset. You say he is "killing " you? I have heard of quite a lot of marriages which break up when the children leave home and couples find there is nothing holding them together any more, but your relationship problems do seem to go a long way back. There has been a lot of good advice regarding Relate/CAB/financial and legal advice and I hope you will be able to follow up on whatever is most helpful to you.

Thanks Soutra

Have you thought about trying Skype to speak to your daughter. I speak to mine most days, and I can fill my screen with her through the video button, so it's like having her sitting opposite me.

Sam1950 I have skyped her in the past, but I feel I am being overbearing so I don't really ask, but its not impossible, I guess in a way I'm relying on her for my wellbeing and that in itself is unfair. I have realised though tried to push it away several times, that her not being understanding about home issues, is not the crux of the matter, it is my hollow, lonely life since she left home.
I have to face up to reality and admit that I cant go on this way, something has to change.

Good heavens! Even if Skype had existed when my DSs flew the nest, I certainly wouldn't have been on it daily! What a waste of time and energy that would have been.

I feel exactly the same. An occasional letter was enough and a phone call when the queue was short .Even now we feel contact once a week is sufficient though we do see the grandchildren a lot more than that.

It's the difference though between being in an abusive marriage and your only support going and being happy in your situation.
We (nearly) all naturally miss our children when they leave home but develop other interests within our lives but for some that leaving almost feels like abandonment. That's when, as Ginette says, you have to 'face up to reality' and make some tough decisions.
((Hugs)) x

I admire your wisdom in not wanting to be overbearing for your DD now she is spreading her wings - that must take some courage in your present situation and I can only say well done you.

You could skype her a little tiny bit? Not in an overbearing way. She might like it too?

I think, by the way, that you have come a long way in a couple of weeks. Well done.

You could try pointing out to your husband that things have changed. That you are not in touch with your daughter that much now.
I dont think it will make much difference, but I would hope that he would start to see that things have indeed changed.
[I myself have a husband, who unless prodded, thinks everything is still the same as say 2007, and has to be reminded to look up and see that people and places and life changes!]

It's such a shock to the system when the things that protected you from your husband [either mentally or physically] are suddenly removed. As if, when they were there, they formed an invisible barrier. I thought I would get to know my husband again when the children left for uni but, in fact, he'd already started the affair that eventually ended our marriage. Awful as it was at the time, at least I was able to divorce him and move on. I was actually scared when I found there was just him and me in the house alone [and had felt that way for a long time] even though he wasn't physically abusive towards me. He was [and is] a very good, kind man so it's difficult to make sense of how and why it all came to that. But the fact that he had no comprehension of how the affair was hurting both me and the children made me realise I'd been living in an emotional void that only my children could fill.

My daughter was the person who kept me sane, who provided an outlet, now that she's gone the impact of this loveless abusive marriage has hit home, I dont recognise the man anymore! But then again possibly I didnt see the real person, the man behind the mask!
I cant see what the future holds but I'm praying for better days.
Thanks Mishap and Soon to be and Tegan ♥♥♡

It's so hard Ginette when stark reality kicks in.
Hopefully you'll be able to start sorting your future out, as uncertain as that seems today.
I have my fingers crossed for you, hopefully the better days are not too far ahead x

Thanks loopylou its comforting to know I havd you all, really comforts me, makes me feel less alone and lonely, I know if I posf a message one of you will respond, I am very grateful, it is so good just to know that even though you cant help you all give me the pep talk and advice/suggestions.
God bless

Anyone there, just had a massive panic/anxiety episode need to chat with a kindred spirit?

Hi Ginette, I have just seen your post as I am in Australia and it is lunch time here. I suspect everyone was in bed when you posted, and I am sure someone else will also be along when they wake up to offer more words of support. I hope you have got over your panic attack, it can be quite scary, can't it and especially at night. I have just caught up with the last few pages of your post and I am so sorry you are in this situation. You would probably also benefit from some practical advice on how to move forward. I can't really help with that as I am not in the UK, but I do understand how you are feeling.

We tend to get wrapped up in children and jobs and then when they have gone we ask ourselves, is this it? I too have had similar feelings and moved countries to be near our children. I won't go into detail as I have posted on another thread, but for various reasons it looks like this is not going to work out and I will be left with just my hubby for company and having to think about what that means. Stay strong.

Hello Ginette I have only just come to this thread and can see what a very difficult time you are having. Do hope you managed to sleep.

As well as your Gransnet friends do you have anyone else to talk to? Perhaps a visit to your doctor might result in some help to get you through this difficult time.

Can you manage a short walk each day, this can help lift the spirits.

When I retired I realised I did not have many friends locally so I joined the WI which has provided me with the company I needed. This may not be for you, but if you can start to make some small changes in your life with time things could improve.

Sending you my very best wishes