lonely

Hope you dont feel quite so bad now?
I dont really know about them. But I too am here if you want to talk.

Sent you a message Ginette

Thanks nan Kate and Honda girl I'm just giing round in circles it seems, I admire the man, he sleeps so well at night! Wakes up to his routine and doesnt cast a glance at me knowing how much I'm suffering, I have no ons who I could trust and truly turn to. People just dont care, I may have made a mistake of telling my boss yesterday expecting help or sympathy, didn't happen!
I am here on a beautiful winter's day so caught up in fear and anxiety, I just want it to stop, people ard getting on with their lives, as I've said time and time again, folks on here must be sick of it!
The last time I sought help from women's aid I ended up worse off as the services were bleak! Its a head on battle with a man who doesn't care, I even think he's enjoying watching me suffer as its kind of payback time since I devoted time to my daughter as she was my escape from him. So now he's happy to see me suffer, he stopped all association with her since just before Christmas as he doesnt approve of her having a boyfriend, and because I was in her corner, I am suffering the consequences.
Hopelessly lost and unable to leave due to financial mess I've put myself in, not ever thinking about the future, never in my wildest imagination seeing my life turning out this way.

The fact that he objects to your DD having a boyfriend indicates that he likes to be in control - this objection is not normal (unless the lad is dreadful and he is worried about her).

It strikes me that he cannot be very happy either. Have you had this conversation with him? - or would that just not be possible? If you are both unhappy there is a motivation on both sides to deal with it.

I am fine with my daughter being with her boyfriend, its just him Mishap! I am tending to agree that's a control issue as he's no longer the alpha male in her life! How neanderthal is that? He's not happy unless he gets his way, because I've been a boyfriend supporter I'm paying the price, he has found his ultimate weapon, my daughter, to use to hurt me! Don't know how long I can cope with this. Can't see a solution, cant confide in any one who cares that's what is really getting to me, I've never been so helpless in my entire life,not having my daughter is just adding to my panic and anxiety issues, am I ever going to be happy again? I want a pet he has refused I'm scared he may harm the animal when I'm not around.

To me, and to put it bluntly, he's an abusive, bullying control freak.
It's easy for me to say get out but clearly your sanity is suffering.
Is there no one you could stay with to give you a breathing space?
Samaritans or MIND would be two support options?

You say "with her boyfriend" Is she or was she living with him?

What do you mean when you say that womens aid services were bleak?

Loopylou, elegran and soon to be
She is with her boyfriend at uni and prior to them going to uni they spent a lot of time with me, we gave the husband plenty of opportunities to join in stuff but he was never interested so we just did our own thing.
Soon to be - women's aid a few years ago when I was suffering another episode with him when he was accusing me of having an affair and my daughter who was 11 year old at the time stuck up for me and he hit her, I called the police but because she didnt want him locked up, the police couldn't do anything and because I was scared of him I called women's aid and they put us up in an awful refuge with women who didnt speak English, there was again no one to talk to and if I wanted to work I would have had to pay a lot towards upkeep it wasn't worth it, I thought about my daughter and for her sake I camd back home, he had changed the locks so I had to get the police to intervene and he was forced to give me the key!
So I have been through a lot with this man, the difference being I was younger and had my daughter who was all I cared about.
My life is one big never ending nightmare, I'm exhausted.

You seem to want someone to fix it for you, Ginette, but we can't, only you can.

Go back to CAB (they can't possibly be booked up indefinitely), get help from the Samaritans if you get desperate, but unless your husband's being physically violent towards you your options are limited.

Good luck!

You need to stand up to him Ginette. Have a bloody good row. Shout.

I hope you're not doing anything for him - cooking, shopping for him, washing his clothes. Go completely on strike. Make his life hell. Perhaps you just need to grow a pair get some backbone.

Stop suffering. Get angry.

Ana you are right! I am expecting help as I'm so confused as i don't recognise myself anymore at the same time I know only I can change stuff, but I'm scared, scared as I don't know where to start!
Jinglbellfrocks row?! It used to be a daily occurrence! It doesn't bother him, he has such a good coping mechanism, he drowns me out and just continues doing what he's doing or watches TV or gets in his laptop and plays games! He doesn't give a toss!
I don't do anything for him, I haven't slept with him for ages and he's frustrated, after all those accusations of affairs I told him I wouldn't!
I have a backbone my dear, but its broke!

Oh and as per Ana's suggestion to get in touch with the Samaritans I have, but as no physical violence (he's too clever for that) as Ana said its limited, CAB are inundated, they are employing extra staff and still can't cope, there is no immediate concise help out there for those in genuine need, no legal aid either except for immigrants, asylum seekers etc!

Get out. You can discuss it on here until the cows come home, with it looming worse the more you say about it. You work and you have your own bank account? Thank your lucky stars you are not totally dependent on him. A couple of generations ago you would have been destitute.

If it is all as bad as you say, staying there is not an option. Stop agonising, plan and act.

You have found a way not to carry out any of the excellent suggestions that have been made to you. Perhaps it is not as bad as it sometimes seems?

That may be a bit harsh Elegran.
She is like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

Can you make an appointment with CAB for their earliest one, even if it is 6 weeks time?
If you dont need it when it comes to it it wont matter, but at least you will have made the first step.
A journey starts somewhere and all that.

[I know Elegran that you may have been doing good cop bad cop].

I am not here to be analysed Elegran, I am here because for a long time I took the back seat, accepting what was going on as my lot in life, I would really appreciate if you didnt offer the negative side as it doesn't help, I am not on this forum to be used as a punch bag thank you. Yes I work and yes I have a bank account, do you choose to read parts that suit you from what I've been writing,? I have debt and dont contribute much to the household outgoings so I am financially held back! I have been complacent over the years, shutting out reality, taking comfort in entertaining and spoiling my daughter, in hindsight yes over-indulgence, but who hasn't been brushing stuff unded the carpet until its a pile! Possibly you are a strong independent woman, some of us, like me, are not and just need support and guidance, however long and arduous my journey may be, I don't appreciate your rudeness Elegran.
Soontobe as usual thanks, I have an appointment with CAB on 12/3 and my friend knows a solicitor friend who point me in the right direction.

Is he as unhappy as you sound? It can't be a happy life for him.

No, I wasn't rude, Ginette. I merely suggested, very politely, that if life is as bad as it appears, you will have to take a deep breath and do something about it. Posting on here and getting sympathy and support from all these excellent Gransnetters doesn't change anything. That is up to you. If you can take me to task for being "bracing", you can take action to change things at home.

Oh well done! A divorce in the offing. Let us know what happens how you get on.

I agree that your OH is probably pretty miserable too - it does not sound the sort of life that anyone would choose to have.

If he is not amenable to talking about the situation you are stuck with having to get out there and find a way of improving your life.

You do have a lot of obstacles to climb over, but making a start by phoning some of these organisations might help you to feel you were getting back in control.

I have to agree with Elegran on this one, you can keep talking forever, you do need to take action, to change things

May I make a point or two?
Elegran, mishap and others have made practical, informed suggestions in response to your appeal for help. If you ask for help and do not like what is offered that is your choice. At no point has there been " rudeness" but if facing up to reality is painful then don't blame others.
To launch into an attack on a person's good nature or good intentions is both unfair and ultimately unhelpful to yourself.
No amount of cyber {{hugs}} or will help you achieve a change in your life if that is what you really want.
Good luck with whatever path you choose, but please don't accuse GNetters of a lack of sympathy after 7 pages of trying to give you some constructive help.

At no point did I not appreciate everyone, I do, right now I'm really in a bad place, not thinking straight, not able to make right choices, I am seeing professionals soon, for now bear with me, apologies Elegran.
Mishap, Soon to be and others have been awesome, bear with me it may stretch to 10 pages if gnetters can still offer me support, for now and foreseeable future. It was never my intention to belittle anyone.
Jinglbellfrocks if he is miserable he has the means AND the knowhow to take matters further. In my case I have to think of my daughter and I am unable to make rash decisions cos of her, he has no qualms, I'm sorry but I have no feelings left for the man, he has killed every single iota of love I ever had for him.
Again I keep reiterating my thanks to all of you, I am just reaching out and expressing my feelings and thoughts, isnt that why we have this facility?
I wouldn't have been able to cope had it not been for this outlet, it gives md strength, to those who are getting exasperated, I implore you to either ignore my messages or help me through the most difficult time of my entire life.
When I used to hear about abused women I too didnt bat an eyelid as I didnt know how crippling and painful it is.
I uses to have the same views thinking that they could just leave, how wrong I was. It has happened to some strong women, broken them, but with support and understanding they come out the other side, and so shall I, until then bear with me please?