lonely

Feeling hopeless and unwanted, never expected my life to turn out like this, I just called my mother who lives in Tanzania and I felt better, I cant tell her anything though she thinks my husband is such a nice person.
But just hearing her made a difference, I miss my family, I miss my daughter. I just need someone to hug me, I don't get that!

<hugs> and <flowers>

I know what you mean about hugs. They make things feel a lot better and more bearable.

<hugs> again.

If you want to talk to someone you can always ring Samaritans. You don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. They will listen.

Their number is 08457 90 90 90 (((hugs)))

Ginette, I am shocked to hear that the CAB has such a backlog of appointments. If you need to look for advice on line, you can use www.adviceguide.org.uk which is useful, though it's much better to have a human being to talk to. Your husband is clearly a psychological abuser and you would be able to get advice from a local Women's Aid organisation as this kind of abuse is taken very seriously. They could also point you in the direction of a solicitor who may offer free advice sessions. Hope this helps.

Thanks Anya and soon to be hugs gratefully received. Annodomini the women's advice is where I've been in the past they offer refuge byt as I work the amount they take is unreasonable. Im well and truly up shit creek without a paddle, what's tgat saying one door closes and another one opens?

Do you own your house? If so, is it in joint names? And do you have a joint bank account?

You need a divorce, don't you? Sorry to state the fact bluntly, but I think you need to face the reality of that fact.

Jinglebellsfrocks yes the house is jointly owned but he changed the joint account to his name only without telling me a few years back.
I found out that when I tried to withdraw some funds from my pay check, so I now have a separate account which he's not happy about but I couldn't care less, I need a divorce but the logistics are impossible.
I know what I want but wanting and getting are two different things, do you for one second think I don't want a way out?

I didn't know it was possible to change a joint account to just one name without the written consent of the other account holder.

Don't you think it would be best to see a solicitor? If the house was sold, you could get your own small place. Build a new life. You would probably be a lot happier.

Oh. Sorry.

[hugs]

Do you mean he changed the house being jointly owned?
Or the bank account being jointly owned?
I dont know about a mortgage, but he cant have changed a bank joint account like that unless you signed something, or he tricked you in some way.

I didn't think you could either, but on this Citizens advice page about joint bank accounts it says it depends how the original mandate was set up. I reckon everyone should be aware of this, particularly if their relationship is a bit rocky.

I'd have thought that too. Is the house still in joint names, or has he changed that too - have you checked, Ginette?

Getting back to work will at least get you out of the house and allow you a bit of breathing space. I know it's a difficult position to be in, I've been there myself in the past.

(A few posts have appeared since I wrote mine - sorry if out of sync!)

Elegran, which specific bit of the link are you refering to?
It is late at night for me, and I cant find it.

The bit that says

"Who can manage a joint account

When two or more people decide to open a joint bank account, they have to sign a form called a mandate. The mandate sets out what the joint account holders can do, for example, who can sign cheques and take money out.

You can cancel the mandate at any time without the agreement of the others. You would need to do this, for example, if you want to change the terms of the joint account or close it.

However, it is possible to draw up a mandate which only allows you to change the terms of the joint account or to close it with the agreement of all the account holders."

But it also says in another place

"If there is disagreement about a joint account

If you have a disagreement with another joint account holder, you should cancel the joint account mandate straight away.

If the mandate isn't cancelled straight away, any one account holder will still be able to get access to the account and the bank won't be able to refuse to pay them.

When you cancel a joint account mandate, the account will be frozen. All the account holders will then have to agree on how to divide the money up between them. If it's not possible to agree, the courts will have to decide how to divide the money up."

I think Ginette should go and see the bank if he has changed the terms of the account without consulting her. The bank manager will be able to tell her what the position is.

Its too late about the bank account ladies. Its done! Jingle bellsfrocks thanks for the hugs xx
Its icy outside and it's icier indoors! I'm dreading going back to work today having to put on a mask as no one is aware of what is going on its embarrassing as the picture he depicts is one of a caring man, if only they knew!
Then the coming home to a man who just doesnt care, I do need to look at all my options.
I too thought that a joint bank account needed two signatories to shut it down, like I said in my earlier threads this man has me over a barrel! He is fully aware of what he is doing and how he is hurting me, he is in full flow!
I didnt know it was possible to detest someone so!
Right my cyber friends I havd to go and face the day, please hold me in your thoughts and pray for me.
And thank you to each and every individual for the support. HUGS GALORE xxxx

So he must have closed the joint account. Withdrawn all the money in it, and opened an account in his name only. hmm. Oh heck Ginette6957.
<hugs> again.
I think that you are right. You do need to look at your options.

It is a shame that the womens refuge seem to take an unreasonable amount of your wages.
I dont know enough about them to know whether that is the best answer for you.
But it does seem to me that you need professional advice from someone and soon.

Just one question Ginette....apart from us, who have you actually sought professional advice from?

It might not be too late regarding the bank account Ginette if your husband has done something underhand, and not within the original mandate, it could be possible to rectify the situation - you won't know unless you make a serious effort to find out.

At the very least you should seek to protect your share of any assets of the marriage - it doesn't matter whose name they're in.

And as you are joint owner of the house, logistics of a divorce are not 'impossible'. There are many women who've extricated themselves from difficult marriages that involved messy finances.

It all depends on what you want and whether you have a real desire to take control of your life.

To me, it looks as though he could only close the account, which would then be frozen, and redo the mandate. If he did that then he would not get at the money either, which looks like cutting off his nose to spite his face.

I would repeat Anya's question. Who else have you sought advice from? We can post till the cows come home, but we can't give you definite individual advice.

Your position is looking increasingly desperate, going from missing your daughter as she moves on to another phase of her life, to being trapped in a disastrous (and in some ways abusive) marriage. Sit back and consider it coolly and decide what you want to happen, then get professional advice on how to achieve it. A solicitor will give you half an hour free.

Posting on here gets plenty of sympathy and support (and that can be very satisfying in itself) but it won't move you forward.

Get online and look up a solicitor and make an appointment. You are entitled to more than your husband will tell you. Even if you dont get enough to buy yourself a house, you can rent somewhere and possible get some help with working tax credits if you dont earn enough. Get back to work, get to a solicitor and give your daughter a good example to follow, be a strong woman who will not be bullied. Offload on here, lots of people have come out the other side of terrible marriages and will help you to realise that you can do it. Life is too short.