lonely

Ginette, I fully agree with Tegan about this. Please go and talk to your GP.

You did 5 days.
That is a step in the right direction.

I have reread this thread.
A lack of friends, family and a husband who doesnt like you going out is a problem.
I think posters on here have suggested things about friends.
I dont think we can help much to change your husband anytime soon.
Are their family members who you can reconnect with?

Thanks ladies, I guess I may have to face the hard reality that I'm unable to cope and will require "happy" pills! I cant believe how hollow I feel, my daughter is oblivious and tgat does make it harder as if she was in touch more often perhaps it would ease my situation, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I remember looking back thinking how liberating it would be when she left home. How wrong was I! In hindsight I would have done more to keep busy and not live just for her.
My husband thinks its hilarious when I experience panic and anxiety attacks, last night was awful I couldn't breathe I'm terrified of the darkness and have to have as many lights on as possible until my husband comes home.
I want this to stop thats all

If you are also getting panic attacks of that magnitude as well as feeling low and unable to rise above life's ups and downs then off to the docs would be the best plan.

I have been struggling with a depressive illness (see thread called depression 2) and taking an anti-depressant has been the right course of action for me, and I am feeling more able to face life's battles now.

In addition you do not have someone living with you who is able (or wishes) to try and understand the problem or offer support. That is HIS problem, not yours. If you are unwell, you need help and his attitude is irrelevant. I have been blessed with supportive and understanding family and friends and I can imagine how hard it must be for you trying to cope without that.

I wonder whether your focus on your DD is not part of the poverty of your relationship with your OH at the moment - it might have been your way of avoiding dealing with that - and who can blame you?

I do hope that a visit to the GP might be a good way forward for you - do tell him/her that your OH is not being supportive, then they will understand quite what you are dealing with.

Good luck - we are all rooting for you. You will get there - it just takes a bit of time.

Go and see your GP Ginnette as a first step, many of us have been in similar situations and admitting that you can't cope isn't a crime, been there etc. my husband wasn't particularly supportive but I think some of that was a degree of shock as 'you've always coped' was his take on it.
Think of it as your mind/brain being overstretched and needing a bit of time to reprogramme, with help from medication if necessary (you wouldn't hesitate if you had a rash, sprain etc)
Fingers crossed and ((hug))

No-one who has never been depressed can possibly imagine how awful it is, I was very lucky because DBH gets SAD, so he was very understanding. I was very low for over a year. You really do need a bit of chemical help though, just until you have got a few things sorted out that make you feel good.

Loopylou Mishap and Janerowena
Again my sincere thanks, Mishap you nailed the issue at hand. Its living with a man who chooses to ignore my pain. In reality we live separate lives. For a long time I have turned to my daughter for that escape from the man, when I had her it didn't bother me how nasty or uncaring he was, now in order for me to feel sane, I have reached out to him and he has reciprocated by asking for sex! Sorry for being so blunt, don't even know if this is allowed so I do apologise but in order for you all to understand I have to put in out there, its a long story stemming from his inadequacies and shortcomings,. He has accused me of having affairs and for a while I kept forgiving him but it got to a point where I couldn't take anymore so I stopped sleeping in the same bed with him and moved to the spare room. To me i felt if he couldn't respect me then I couldn't sleep in the same bed. Thats when my daughter became the centre of my universe, last week when I couldn't cope I relented and turned to him only to be degraded! Sleeping with him is not something I want to do really but it is the only way I can get to feel sane as otherwise he will completely ostracise me and I would not be able to survive the loss of my daughter. Its not medication I recognise what the issue is but I have no escape as financially I couldn't survive, he has me over a barrel and he knows that. Hence he does as he wants.
I asked him today to do some activities with me, he is not interested. His idea of fun is to come back from work and sit in front of the TV.
I am stuck, I can only see my life changing when my daughter no longer relies on me and by the way he has stopped speaking to her because she has a boyfriend. She was home for Christmas and he didnt speak to her even on Christmas day!

Ginette; you can't be there for your daughter if you don't look after yourself, so you must put yourself first. See a doctor [they will understand] and get legal advice because it sounds as if you shouldn't be in this marriage any more. I was in exactly the same position as you 14 years ago and I've now moved on. But you must get help.

Tegan I have sought help but there is no legal aid anymore and I cant afford to move out. Social housing is non existent, I'm just at a loss, I need to be around for when my daughter needs to come home at least for the first year of uni, I'm so confused and I feel trapped. (Shock)

You must speak to your doctor. And, if you're really down phone the Samaritans..I'm not suggesting you're suicidal by the way, but I've been in an almost identical situation to you and I phoned them up once and said 'I'm not suicidal but will you please talk to me as I need someone to talk to', and they were wonderful. And I can remember saying to my doctor 'what about my children' over and over again, because all I could think of was them and not myself. That's when one of the few friends I'd confided in told me I had to look after myself and also advised me to take medication; the tablets didn't solve my problems but they pulled me out of the black hole that I was in so I could then deal with the problems. An unhappy marriage is a very lonely place to be and my children compensated for that which is why my world fell apart when they went to uni, so I do understand how you feel.

Thanks Tegan you comforted me, I'll make an appointment to see my GP tomorrow. Will let you know.

You must. And write down exactly how you feel before you see him/her and don't put on a brave face..let them see exactly how you are. xx

I will thanks again Tegan x

Just phoned my GP cant get an appointment until the 17th February and I'm at rock bottom. Trying desperately to stifle the panic. Just feel so helpless.

Ginette if you really are at rock bottom you could try the Samaritans - they have helped someone I know in a similar state enormously amd it is all done confidentially and anonymously if that is your wish.

Very best wishes - I hope you soon feel a little brighter.

Keep talking on here.

I think you should tell your doctor that it is an emergency. That way you should be seen this week I would have thought.

You may not think it is, but I think that you need to be seen right away.

Some GPs will do telephone appointments. It's not ideal but better than nothing. Is there a counsellor attached to your GP practice?

Ginette ring your GP surgery and tell them it is an emergency, you really need to get started on some sort of treatment. Also, from what you have said, you need to get some legal advice, you cant keep a roof over your head by unwillingly having sex with someone, even if you are married to him. Do you have a friend you could stay with until you get things sorted?

An appointment on 17th Feb is simply not good enough. There has to be a system of emergency appointments at every surgery. Take a deep breath and ring up and ask for one of these.

If you reach rock bottom, then please ring the Samaritans - that is what they are there for. They will help you to think straight in this minefield you are tiptoeing through.

Please take heart that there are many who have faced this situation and come out the other side - you must believe that and hang onto that, because it is true. Sometimes things seem overwhelming and insoluble, but one day you will look back on this patch in your life from a much better place. You have to remember that you are not alone in this. Not only have many others come through this, but you have your virtual friends here on Gransnet to walk beside you.

The first step is to get you strong enough to deal with the situation, and that is where the doc comes in. You will deal with it when you feel stronger.

Do you have any friends or relatives around who might be able to help or provide a place to stay while you sort yourself out?

You can go and see a marriage guidance counsellor on your own if you wish and he or she would be able to help you clear things in your own mind.(www.relate.org.uk/) Your OH does not seem the sort of chap who would be keen on going himself - but he may surprise you.

Your DD will be aware that things are not right between you two - she is not blind. She may be a friend and ally - you never know. Confiding in her may free her up to be honest and open about what is going on at home; or she may be frightened by it and back off. I know that my parents did not get on and there was an unspoken agreement that we did not talk about it, either at home or outside. When, many years after leaving home, I and my siblings started to talk openly about it, it was a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Pretending that all is well is a huge burden. It may give your DD the chance to grow up and feel like an adult if she is given the chance to do that.

Take it one step at a time. You have made a good start by acknowledging where the real problem lies and you are now able to look at tackling it.

There will be a solution - no magic wand of course - but a solution nevertheless. The only way is up just now!

I have phoned GP again there are no emergency appointments you have to call on the day!
Thank you everyone for sharing and caring, as Mishap says there will be an end to it all one day. To be honest my husband doesnt force me to have sex with him he just alienates me completely if I dont! This is why my daughter was more than my daughter, I had a connection with her. I didnt need him as I know he is controlling in every way, he locks everything in a safe! I felt awful yesterday I asked him if he had a first class stamp and he said no! This morning miraculously a stamp appeared on the envelope!
Like I said before if I left this house I would lose out as I did that a few years ago and through the Police he had to let me back home as my daughter was under age. Now that she has left home it would be the perfect time to shut me out!
He just doesnt care, his life is completely unaffected! What father doesn't speak to his daughter? Or is jealous of his wife for being close to her child? A child he doesn't have much to do with anyway?
I have to persevere I've put up with this for a long time, I'm not going to let him win. He's very astute with finances etc, he walked away from a previous marriage after 18 years completely unscathed!
All I need is guys like you (to prop me up) I'll get by with a little help from my friends! There's just so much to say but typing it all is a chore.......... I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart♥

The sooner you make the break with this control freak the better. If you have a CAB in the locality, go and make an appointment to see an adviser. Everything you say is completely confidential. The Bureau is a mine of vital information and you will find that you have more rights than you think. There will also be information on access to housing and benefits if these are needed. You will feel enlivened if you take this step - inaction is a symptom of depression which can only get worse.

Thanks annodimini have already done that they are inundated at the moment, I cant get an appointment for 6 weeks tried all 3 branches in my area same thing, seems a lot of people need help. I'm just exhausted.
Going back to work tomorrow I've been recuperating after an operation on my right hand, I hope I dont crumble!
Perhaps on the other hand I'll be ok to cope in different surroundings away from this house which is stifling me.
When I look out my window and see people getting on with their lives mine at a standstill, its crippling.
I need hope. I need to feel better. I need happiness so bad.
Oh how I pray!

You certainly need some legal advice and to put it bluntly, that advice should be on how to get away from the controlling behaviour of your husband. I know he didnt physically force you to have sex, but mentally he did. What is he keeping locked in the safe? Keep talking to us on here, go to your surgery if necessary and demand an emergency appointment, then make an appointment at CAB. There has been good advice on here, and lots of people will have the relevant professional knowledge to help you, as well as the emotional support. This situation is not going to get better until you get the help you so badly need. Please call CAB. Keep us posted, we are all here, and even during the night, there is bound to be someone on GN.

Ginette - I hope you resolve your situation soon. It is very hard when a child leaves home especially, as in my case, they are an only child. You put all your focus on the child and when they are gone you feel bereft. My daughter is in her 40s now and we are nowhere near as close as we were (or as I thought we were) but at at least we see each other. The situation has changed, that's all. It still upsets me every day. I am fortunate that I have a supportive husband. My daughter has only one child, a daughter too, and I watch her putting all her energy and time into her and I worry that she will suffer the same as I did when she leaves home. Good luck.

All good wishes and strength you Ginette that things may turn out better for you soon.
I joined here to unburden due to being sad and have had some nice chats and helpful suggestions.
I hope you are finding the same.
PM any time.
No solutions here but always up for a chat.