lonely

I think I was more like you, anno and harrigran. I have written about this on another, similar ongoing thread.

But I had had a lot of practice - my children went to boarding school at the secondary stage - NOT because I necessarily agree with it but because, as an army family moving every 18 months / 2 years, sometimes to troubled spots (quite a few in the 70s/80s) they had to have stability in their education and social lives.

So after all that, seeing them off to university seemed quite normal. It wasn't easy, and I was sad to see them go, but happy for them that they were moving on to the next stage of independence.

Hi Tegan
My GP promptly gave me antidepressants I refused those. Im sad not depressed. I need focus in my life but its just hard. I know it will pass but for now I have to endure.
And through all of you wonderful people I get by.

On another thread, you said you are back at work next week, so that should start to help.
And this time of year is not exactly helpful.

You could, if it suited, rent out a room? I dont know all the ins and outs of that.
A few people even begin to foster. Which again may not necessarily suit.

What I did, for a while after mine all left, is scatter some of their things that they had not taken, in each room of the house, so that every room reminded me of them and made me smile.
Though in your case, not sure if that would make you feel better or worse.

I dont know if you have a dog or even like them.
But dog owners can get into conversations relatively naturally with other dog owners and dog lovers out and about.

Soon to be - I love animals I've had pets since my daughter was five, but our last beloved pet guinea pig passed away a week before sge went to university so it was really awful, unfortunately my husband doesnt like animals so with my daughter away and me at work during the day it wouldnt work, I do go and see my daughter's boyfriend's dog and bring her home on Friday evening, I really look forward to that and she adores me.

Unlike soontobe I quite liked the tidiness once the DDS had left home!!

Honestly Ginette you really need to accept this state of affairs and move on. How would you have felt if she had emigrated?? Being at university in Manchester is hardly a "bereavement" she'll be back to use the washing machine/car soon enough but if all she finds is a mum doing her impersonation of a wet lettuce, well she might not come back as often or as readily as if mum was cheerful, fulfilled and leading an interesting life.
Don't get me wrong, I am not unsympathetic but life goes on.

The house went tooo tidy for me.
Like Ginette says she wakes to an empty house and feels panic, I used to hate seeing quite such tidy and empty rooms, so put some of their things around, which helps a lot. The items are still there, and I move them around the house as and when!

The other thing I did, was told the kids that we could keep the skype on, when they first left. So we could see each other move around.
I did that partly for them and partly for me.

It helped them settle in quicker where they were, because they soon got tired of me watching them! And it helped me too. I obviously soon got tired of it as well. But we all knew the facility was available. And helped to speed up the new situation a lot quicker for all of us.

Thanks soon to be. Soutra its ok I get the drift believe me I'm trying very hard, I dont enjoy the situation, it's just hit me like a bullet train, I was completely unprepared that's all.

I suspect I am far from unique to have strong and independent daughters who simply thrived when they went away to university!! I know I was exactly the same so I never expected them to feel homesick and both they and I would have hated Skype had it existed in those days!!
Let's face it, the purpose of raising the young of whatever species is to prepare them to live independent lives and to survive. I cringe at my (charming, but I expect lazy) nephew who after completing his Masters 15 months ago went home to live with Mum and has shown no urge to even find a job or live on his own even though she has spent her GP retirement lump sum on a little flat for him! Our DD s would have had it done up and rented out for a profit soon as they could!
Of course we love feeling needed but all those "milestones" starting with weaning are a process towards our children's independence and we need to accept that. A friend who is the most loving mother I know once remarked sagely that " the teenage years are Nature's way of making sure we kick them out of the nest"!!

Ginette I do wonder if your op, enforced "leisure" from work plus January blues have combined to bring you down and are more to blame so you really should investigate your doctor's suspicion of depression in which your daughter leaving home is just a part. Do get help, it sounds more than ENS.

Leave the Skype on? Can you do that? I'm very sure that there are plenty of things my DSs wouldn't have wanted me to see once they had left home and I am equally sure I wouldn't have wanted to watch. Luckily when mine left, there was no such thing as Skype.

I would have thought it was a bit "Big mother is watching you"

Blimey! I definitely wouldn't have wanted to watch my daughter at uni. Luckily, Skype was not invented then. END syndrome is real and horrible. Luckily for me I was still working when DD left so I didn't have much time to mope. I think I was just glad of the tidy house and not having to give lifts everywhere. I think you need to give yourself a bit of time and perhaps think about your doctor's diagnosis of depression - perhaps he's right? The other thing is to get out and about although I don't know your situation. A friend of mine volunteered at a charity shop and absolutely loved it. It's not everyone's cup of tea but to her it was like treasure trove.

Quite annodomini and Elegran. It helped them to settle down much quicker.
But if they had off days for any reason, they knew I could be switched on.
A few minutes of me in the corner shortened any homesickness. Or any bouts of lonliness. Or any bouts of what have I done?

One of my sons now works thousands of miles away. But he knows I am available even during our night.
None of us really feels that we are very apart. Bliss.

NotTooOld. Yes, watching your daughter make her tea is certainly not riveting! But you can catch up with their busy lives at that time.

I was going to say something and then realised that Soutra had said the same. I'm begining to thing that there's a chicken and egg situation whereby there is depression to start off with and it has been compounded by your daughter leaving and you should reconsider taking an antidepressant. When my children left home and my marriage broke up I fought for ages against taking medication but eventually agreed to it and it brought me back up to a level whereby I could get my life back on track. I actually worked for my doctor at the time and he said it had taken me longer than most people to sink under the stress that I was under but that I had to take something. I only took them for a while but it did help me to help myself. I was fine when I was at work but couldn't stop crying the minute I was able to drop my Eleanor Rigby face.

..perhaps I need to Skype myself; it would make me tidy the house and get out of my pyjamas ....

I am hoping when I get back to work and routine I'll resolve the blues its also because I don't really havs friends or family. This forum is the only solid link I've had since monday. This weekend will test me to the limit as weekends were days we filled with baking, going out with the dog (not ours), the cinema or day trips and shopping while my husband was at work.
Thanks again for the help Tegan and Soutra

I tidy my hair before I make my skype appearances!

That is another good reason to resist Skype, " Yes dear, I've been up for hours really busy this morning. . . . La, la, la!" (Still in bed with umpteenth cup of tea, newspaper and crossword?)

Ginette Sounds as though you need to forge some links outside the house. Find somewhere to go regularly, something to do, someone to talk to.

When I was widowed, a lifeline was the list of adult education classes run by the local authority. Being over 60 and not employed, they cost me £19.20 for each 8 or 10 week course, and gave me places to go on a few days a week. Once there, I had people to talk to and other things to fill my mind than the fact that I was alone (but I always left lights on in the house so that it did not look so empty when I returned).

That would also give you something to tell DD when you next contact her, other than how miserable you are without her - you don't want to pile guilt on her, do you?

Hi Ginette
I can really understand how you feel - at first when they leave it is such a huge life change for you, so no wonder you are feeling down. I too am lonely, it has happened over the last few years. I lost my parents, and others of that generation, so feel rather lost as the family has really diminished.

Now when I compare my life to friends, they have young granchidren living locally who are a great joy and interest, plus their own children, always things going on in their livs. One of my children is living in other side of the world, the other is about 200 miles away, so I rarely see them, and like you have no grandchildren.

I just have to accept that this is just the reality of my life now, and try and get on with it as happily as I can (easier said than done). I don't want to get anti depressants, because I feel thats not a good move.

I too really need to make some new contacts locally, as Elegran suggests to you. Personally I am going to try the WI, as it is quite a young group with a walking club attached, and hope they are friendly.

I find that if I do have an unexpected meetup and chat with someone, it really lifts my spirits. Hope you can get something new in your life too.

How is everyone? I've not improved at all. I've really tried but I've hit a brick wall. I cant seem to escape these feelings of emptiness and loneliness, I just need this to end.

DS goes back this Saturday, so last night I had my first weird dream in which I can't find him. I shall probably have one every night for at least a week now.

I took St. John's Wort, joined here, joined every club I could face locally, DBH and I engineered more trips out together, and I stalked DS's little green light to check that he was still alive. I got through it, and you will too. Do you read much? That takes your mind off things too. If you don't, maybe you could start.

I still think you need to give antidepressants a go Ginette, because of the fact that you can't lift yourself up to the level at which you can then move on in some way. It worked for me.